


What Happens On Tour

by blahdeblahdeblah



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, F/F, Minor Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, bandmates with benefits, bears no relationship to the actual modern music industry, increasing amounts of fluff, past relationship angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 82,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26449966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blahdeblahdeblah/pseuds/blahdeblahdeblah
Summary: After breaking up with Finn and quitting their band, the Delinquents, singer Clarke Griffin heads home to find something new. Her old friend Raven convinces her to give music another try, and when they meet up with the Woods sisters, Lexa and Anya. They’re also looking for something new after their singer Costia quit the band and her relationship with Lexa. Add drummer Octavia Blake to the mix and you’ve got a crew of five ready to go and rock the world together.With their history of heartbreak, Clarke and Lexa are both determined to focus on the music and avoid any relationship entanglements, and they’re certainly not going to admit their growing feelings for each other just as their band hits the launchpad to success.And if they can’t keep those feelings completely under control? Well, what happens on tour stays on tour. Right?(Updated description now I’m further into the story and have a better idea of the shape of it.)
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Octavia Blake/Lincoln, Past Lexa/Costia - Relationship, past Clarke Griffin/Finn Collins
Comments: 231
Kudos: 426





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time I've written and published anything like this in a long time, so please be gentle...  
> Updates hopefully vaguely frequent, but as and when I can.

_Thudthudthudthud._

Somewhere in the house, someone was definitely hitting something. Slowly and unwillingly rising out of her sleep, Clarke pulled the covers up over her head trying to muffle the noise enough to fall back into oblivion.

_Thudthudthudthud._

Very close. Not somewhere else in the house, then. On her door. It had to be her mother. She scrunched her eyes tighter and curled up more as if that would drive away the sound.

“Come on, Clarke! Time to get up.”

Not her mother. “Raven?” She slid the covers down, wincing into the shafts of sunlight spearing through the half-closed blinds.

“Who else?” The door handle creaked as it began to turn, her friend’s familiar face peering through the gap as the door opened. “And I have coffee. You decent?”

Clarke glanced down at herself, seeing a t-shirt and shorts covering her. “Yeah.” She pushed herself up into a sitting position in the bed as Raven walked in and glanced around the bedroom. She shifted a jumbled pile of clothes out of the way to sit on the chair at the foot of the bed, sipping from the giant take out coffee cup she held. After a moment Clarke’s still-waking brain realised there was only one cup there. “You said you had coffee.”

“I do.” Raven said, grinning as she took another sip. “What I didn’t say was that I had any for you.”

“Not fair, Raven. At least let me have some of yours.”

“Like I’m going to let Miss ‘it’s only coffee if it’s black and capable of stripping paint’ have some of my soy latte just to spit it out. Anyway, I left yours downstairs.”

Clarke groaned. Just sitting up was giving her a headache as she recalled how much they’d drunk last night, and the thought of standing up was not appealing to her. “Why would you do that?”

“Because last night someone told me I had to make sure she got up and started work on the brilliant idea she had, and the best way I can think to tempt you is with coffee.” She stood up and headed to the door. “You coming?”

Clarke groaned as she watched her friend disappear, cursing both her ability to dodge hangovers and that she had a key to the house. Clarke paused to slip into a pair of jeans as she listened to her descending the stairs, trying to give herself time to remember just what idea she might have had last night that had Raven barging in at - what was the time, anyway? She scrabbled around and found her phone, still clinging on to its last little bit of battery life to tell her it was already past eleven. As she walked downstairs and through the house, she tried to piece together a memory of the night before. They’d headed out to open mike night, like they did every week. It was the one time the bar was busy enough they could hang out in a booth at the back semi-anonymously. With everyone focused on the acts, it meant she wasn’t getting hassled by anyone wanting to know why she’d quit the Delinquents and could focus on forgetting it all.

She walked into the kitchen, expecting to see Raven there with the coffee, but it was empty. Then she spied the door to the basement hanging ajar and it all came flooding back to her.

“Absolutely not.” She said from the top of the stairs. “This was a bad idea, and you should have talked me out of it, not encouraged me.”

“It’s a great idea, Griffin.” Raven replied from somewhere in the basement. “And I’m staying down here till this coffee gets cold.”

“Fine. For the coffee.” She walked down the stairs. “But I’m done with singing, I’m done with performing. It was a drunk idea, those are always the worst.”

“Sure, you’re totally done.” Raven said, handing over the coffee as Clarke reached the foot of the stairs. “That’s why you’ve applied for precisely zero jobs in the last three months, and the happiest I’ve seen you since you came home was when you were singing along last night.”

“I was happy because I was having a fun night out with my best friend.”

“Sure, and as your best friend I was the one who agreed that we should clear this place out so we could make music in it, just like we did in high school. That was entirely your idea, Clarke, because - and I quote - ‘damn, I miss when it was just fun’.”

“I said that? OK, yes, I did say that. I was drunk at the time, though.” She took a look round the space. Save for a coating of dust and a few more boxes of junk, it was pretty much as it had been when they’d last used it regularly, five or six years ago. Back then, she and Raven had called it their studio. It was where they’d put together their mixes of Clarke’s voice and Raven’s music and talked about publishing it online at some point. The furthest they’d got was sharing it with friends at school, some of whom had them shared it with others, which had eventually led to Finn hearing her voice and deciding he needed Clarke to front his band. While

Raven went off to college, Clarke had ended up roaming the country with the Delinquents until she’d walked out on them three months ago and come home.

“Exactly. You let your guard down when you drink, show what you really want. And what you want, Clarke Griffin, is to use that amazing voice of yours for something other than those blues-rock dirges you’ve been doing for the last five years.”

“Hey, some of those songs weren’t that bad.”

“Yeah, the ones they let you have some input on were at least aspiring to mediocrity. You can glare at me all you want, but you can’t deny it, can you?”

Raven was right. At first, she’d just enjoyed the sensation of singing for a crowd and realising how much she lived it to care about what she was singing. Then the gigs had got bigger and bigger, the label had picked them up, and she was too busy discovering what it was like to make an album to care too much that the boys’ club in the rehearsal room and the studio usually found reasons to dismiss her ideas and suggestions. Then it had been the money and the even bigger gigs that distracted her as the album started floating around the lower reaches of the charts. Then there’d been the press hailing her and Finn as a new power couple of music, and she’d let his late night promises persuade her that he really did care about her. It was only when she’d caught him sneaking off to see other women that she realised just how much wool had been pulled over her eyes.

The official statement from the label had said she’d quit because of ‘personal and musical differences’, which was much more diplomatic and printable than anything she’d actually said to him and the rest of them before she walked out of the rehearsal room, cleared out her apartment and drove away. Her mother had been too surprised to have her daughter home to restart any of the arguments they’d had when she’d left.

“Why do you want to do this? Don’t you have, you know, an actual job?”

“I do, and I know this might come as a shock to someone who’s never had a proper job, but work sucks. I spent four years at college, and now I get to sit taking notes of meetings between middle aged guys who don’t want to hear me explain that the engineering problem they’re taking hours to puzzle out is really damn simple to fix. So, when my recently-returned best friend declares she wants to do something we both find fun, I’m going to jump at the chance.”

Clarke sat down on the old couch, waving away the dust that rose up from it. “I don’t know. I mean, I loved it when it was just us two down here, making our weird little tunes. It’s just everything that came after that, and now I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing.”

Raven sat down on the wide arm of the couch, testing the strength before swinging her legs up and crossing them in front of he, somehow managing to balance on it. Clarke was reminded of all the times they’d sat like this before, throwing ideas back and forth while she wondered just how Raven managed to sit like that.

“I don’t know what you’re meant to be doing either. And I’m not saying this is it, but it’s got to be better than nothing, right? It was your idea, and honestly, you just looked so alive and happy when you were talking about it. And when you were singing along with that one act, even if no one but me could hear you.”

The memories of the night before were starting to come back now. Clarke hadn’t even been able to see who was up on stage from where they were sitting, but something about the two women’s voices had made her want to sing along to the old song they were playing. “It did feel good, but that’s the problem.”

“When is feeling good a problem?” Raven raised an eyebrow.

“When it feels so good you’ll wade through rivers of shit to feel like that.” Clarke said. “I never had those dreams of being famous everyone else in the band seemed to have, I just wanted to sing. Here with you it was just fun messing around with the music and the sounds, then Finn asked me to come sing with them and it was fun, then I did it on stage in front of a crowd and it was just the biggest rush. I just wanted that feeling again and again, and I put up with all the times they said my ideas didn’t fit with the sound, all the times they told me to ease it back or they had to fade me down in the mix, and all the crap of being ‘his girlfriend’ just because I loved singing so much.”

She paused, taking a long slug of coffee, the shaking her head to clear it. “I miss it, and I really want to do this with you but I’m just scared, Raven. I’ve spent the last three months trying to think of what I can do with my life, and it keeps coming back to this, because singing is the one thing that makes me feel right, but I worry about what mistakes I might make this time.”

“Clarke, I promise you this. From now on, if I think you’re making a mistake because of singing or anything else, I will not hesitate to tell you. So, we’re doing this?”

“We’re doing this.” Clarke leaned back on the couch, then sprang straight back up as she was enveloped by a cloud of dust. “Which means first we’re cleaning up this place. You up for that?”

“Definitely. You realise I’ve got the skills to build a whole studio down here now?”

“Can we start with just getting rid of the dust before we freak my mom out too much?”

“OK, but I tell you if we just soundproof that corner there, we’ll get some amazing results.” Clarke could see the wheels whirring in Raven’s mind, and just how to explain it to her mother, though she’d probably be happy Clarke was doing something other than moping.

A thought struck her. “While I think of it, do you know who it was I was singing along to last night? I should probably thank them, or something. Plus, they were actually good.”

“No idea, but they’ll probably be there again next time we go.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the positive response to chapter 1!  
> I've now got a new Tumblr for updates and anything else: https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/

“Is this where we are now?” Lexa asked. “Open mike nights once a week and keeping our fingers crossed?”

“Unless you come up with a better idea, yes it is.” Anya replied. “We did pretty well tonight. I definitely heard someone singing along at one point, and Lincoln asked us to come back next week.”

“Great. Another free drink each. That’s-”

“I know, OK? Not what we were expecting right now. You can always quit if you want.” Anya pushed her guitar into the backseat then got into the driver’s seat, ending the conversation for now.

Lexa sighed, squeezing her guitar into the remaining space in the back of her sister’s car, then settled into the passenger seat for the drive home. Anya didn’t know the law school application forms were all filled out on Lexa’s laptop, just waiting to be sent off. For the last few weeks it had felt like the only real option open to her since Costia had taken all their dreams and torn herself apart from them. The only thing that had stopped her so far was knowing that doing it would be admitting defeat. If she gave up the idea of a career as a musician, she wanted it to be on her terms, not something she was forced into by a treacherous ex.

“What do you think she’s doing now?” She didn’t really want to think about it, but it felt better to voice it and share it rather than obsessing over it alone, and saying something, anything, felt better than enduring the drive in silence.

Anya took her eyes from the road to glare at her for a moment, then focused on her driving. “Probably not thinking about what we’re doing, I know that much.”

“I keep hoping she regrets it.” Lexa said quietly.

“If she was capable of regretting it, she wouldn’t have done it.” She reached over and rested her hand on Lexa’s shoulder. “I know you loved her, but she used us.

She didn’t just lose her head one day and walk out, she’d been planning it.”

“Thank you.” Lexa said, tilting her head to lightly rest it on her sister’s hand.

“For what?”

“Keeping up the fury and the anger when I waver. There are times when I think that maybe I don’t want to call down bloody vengeance from the skies on her and everyone else, and you keep it going for me.”

“Oh, we’re going to get vengeance. We just have to build up to it. But do me one favour on the way.”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“If and when we work with other people, promise me you won’t fall in love with them.”

“Absolutely, that is never going to happen again. Just the music this time.”

“It was good tonight, wasn’t it? I know it’s not the greatest venue, but Lincoln’s trying to build it up from nothing.”

“Just like us, you mean?” Lexa said. “When we were up there playing, it felt really good. It was just when it was over, I realised how far we are from where I thought we would be.”

“We’ll get there, and we’ll get further than she ever does. Right, am I dropping you at your place, or do you want the couch at mine again?”

Lexa thought about the empty apartment, the way she and Costia used to come back from performing together, talking it over and rediscovering all that energy from the stage until it led them into the bedroom. She was getting used to being alone in the space of what was now just her apartment, but she wondered just what sort of mistakes she’d make if she went back there now. She still had that same restless post-gig energy, and nowhere at home to burn it off.

“Couch.” She said, putting off the test of seeing what she’d do alone for another time, and decided instead that now was a good time to pick up a new post-performing habit. “But drop me on the corner and I’ll go to Tony’s, I’m hungry and we need pizza.”

* * *

Lexa was still getting used to the rhythms of her life without The Flame as a key part of it. It took her a while to realise that the feelings she had growing through the next few days were eagerness and anticipation of the next open mike night, when she’d finally get a chance to perform and play again. There’d been a time after Costia left when she felt like she wouldn’t ever get that feeling back, and now it was there again it still felt like a dangerous temptation, connected to the way she’d used to feel on stage.

Their parents had raised her and Anya with music all around them, but until Costia arrived in her life she’d always thought it would be just another part of her life, not something she’d try to make into a whole career and life. She’d been the catalyst that made her and Anya take it more seriously, her vocals combining with their backing to make something that caught people’s attention. They’d written, gigged and recorded right to the point when they had actual labels interested in signing them up, offering them the sort of life that had felt like other people’s dreams, only for it all to disappear as if they’d woken up. Costia hadn’t even told them to their faces, just left a long and rambling self-justifying note in the apartment she shared with Lexa, explaining that she’d been offered a solo contract and decided to take it, leaving the two of them behind. For a few moments on that terrible day, she thought it was just a bad joke, until she’d looked round the apartment and saw that all of Costia’s stuff was gone, whisked away with her into the night. Until that life had been right in front of her, Lexa had never known she wanted it, but now it had been snatched away she couldn’t just forget about it.

She might have tried to forget about it, and sent off those forms for law school, if Anya hadn’t persuaded her to give it one more chance. Lexa had resisted at first, feeling it was like giving in to a doomed temptation or just hoping lightning would strike for a second time, but eventually her sister had worn her down and Lexa had agreed to try it again. Her only condition had been to start from scratch, getting rid of the songs they’d written for Costia’s voice and making new music that wouldn’t remind Lexa of her. Without Costia, they wouldn’t be The Flame anymore, but something new. They were still working on new material, but Anya had got them a slot at the open mike anyway just to get them back out there. It had been a while since she’d played old covers, but they’d gone down well even if she hadn’t been able to hear the person Anya claimed was singing along.

“It’s not Christmas, Lex. Calm down and breathe a little. I don’t want you exploding on stage tonight, right?” Anya grinned at her as they headed from the parking lot into Lincoln’s. It was still early, no one was up on stage yet and the bar was still mostly empty, only people starting the night early showing up at this point. Lexa had only been there a few times, all of them since Lincoln had taken it over. He was someone Anya knew better than she did, one of the people who’d orbited in similar circles to her since their school days. She remembered it as being quite a dingy place, the sort of bar you bypassed on your way to somewhere more welcoming and better-lit, one that changed its name frequently as it passed through different owners. Lincoln’s was now the name over the door, and looking round she could see traces of that previous run-down existence under the more recent renovations, the most obvious being the stage area at the far end of the room. 

They took a couple of seats at the bar as Lincoln came over to them. “Still got a slot for us?” Anya asked.

“At the moment, I’d give you a slot every week. Did you hear some of the others up there last week? Where do you want to go? You’re the first here so wherever you want.”

“How many you got?”

“Six, maybe seven.”

“Fourth.” Anya said. “We’ll go fourth.”

“You sure?” Lexa asked, raising an eyebrow as she turned to look at her. “We could be the headliners for once.”

“Absolutely. First, you know how much people drink here, and by the time the last act goes on, most of them aren’t paying attention. Second, you’re so wired, I don’t think you could last that long without getting up on stage. Fourth is the sweet spot, people still just enjoying themselves, the other acts have warmed them up, and you’ll be just hyped enough to enjoy it without going over the edge.” She looked back at Lincoln. “Hey, what’s the opposite of caffeine? Because that’s what she needs right now.”

“Usually, it’s alcohol. That’s kind of what people come here for.”

“No, I’m definitely not drinking before I go on stage.” Lexa said. “You must have something.”

* * *

By the time the third act were tuning up, Lexa had decided that she quite liked tomato juice, even if Lincoln had been kidding when he served it up to her. She was still focused on the fact they were going to be performing in a little, but no longer feeling like she needed to bounce off the walls while they waited. The place was a lot busier now, and she kept spotting people she vaguely knew from gigs they’d done in the past while hoping none of them would come over and ask why there were just two of them now. She hadn’t known either of the first two acts, both of whom had all looked young enough to make her wonder if they were breaking a law by being in the bar. The third act looked like an illustration of stage fright as he obsessively tuned his guitar at one corner of the stage, staying as far away from the microphone as possible. When he finally did make it there, his eyes ended up locked on the ground just in front of him as he began to mumble his way through his songs as he fumbled his chord changes.

Looking for distraction, she glanced around the bar again, spotting a blonde woman sitting in a booth at the back watching the stage, then leaning back to laugh at something her friend said to her. Something about her was familiar to Lexa, but she couldn’t work out where she knew her from. It was as though she’d seen her somewhere, but not actually met her which had her thinking she was some sort of celebrity, but what would anyone even vaguely famous be doing at Lincoln’s open mike night?

“We’re up.” Anya’s voice disturbed her train of thought, and she quickly looked back to the stage, where the mumbling man was packing up and leaving, the audience so unengaged by his performance that they’d failed to notice that his last few mumbles had been a thank you and good night, not another part of a song.

“At least we don’t have to worry about the audience being too excited.” Lexa said, as they moved up to the stage and quickly set themselves up. As they sorted themselves out, the nervous anticipation that had been building up in her all week started to transform as she focused on the routine of setting up. Her method was to check everything, then check it again, making sure there were no surprises from the equipment as tested out the microphone, listened to the guitar as she strummed it, even shifted on the chair to make sure it wasn’t going to unexpectedly wobble or collapse on her. As she did it, the nerves faded into excitement built on the memory of the times she’d done this before and how much she enjoyed it.

She looked at Anya, feeling her heart beating fast but steady as she positioned her fingers on the frets of her guitar. Her sister smiled at her, then nodded. It was time.

“Hi guys. We’re… well we don’t have a name. I’m Lexa, this is Anya.” Her fingers tapped on the body of the guitar. “1, 2, 3, 4.”

And then it was just the music, and everything felt right again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos everyone. Glad you're liking it so far - and this chapter's a little longer.

Clarke was tired, but it felt good. It had been a long week working on the basement but now she was feeling flushed with success at having achieved something for the first time in a while, even if she had needed to fight back the urge to murder Raven on a few occasions during it.

They’d started by cleaning up the place, discovering just how much dust could settle into old furniture and work itself into cracks and surfaces over the years. Once they’d done that and rearranged the furniture and boxes to make some more space, she was sure they were done, but that was forgetting Raven’s ability to let her ideas run ahead of people’s expectations. Clarke was about to sit down and suggest some drinks to celebrate a job completed when she realized Raven was asking her to hold the end of a tape measure as she sized up various parts of the room, jotting down notes on her phone as she went.

“Raven, what are we doing? No, what are you doing?” She asked as Raven stretched up above her, checking the height of the ceiling.

“Working out what you need to get from the hardware store tomorrow.”

“Hardware store? What? Why do I need to go the hardware store?” Clarke wasn’t even sure where the hardware store was, let alone why she’d go there.

“Because I’ll be at work, and if you get it, then I can just come straight here after and get going.”

Clarke wondered when she’d get an answer that didn’t lead to a dozen more questions. “Get to work on what? I thought we were just about done.”

“We are. I just need to build the booth, and maybe get that door to the outside working again, it’ll be easier to get panels in through there than through the house.” Her replies were very calm and matter-of-fact, as though she was telling Clarke things she really ought to know already.

“What booth? Did I forget a conversation or something?”

“You said you wanted to clear this space out so we could write and make music here, right?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Well, if we’re going to do that we’re going to need a booth.”

“What, like a studio?”

“Ha, I wish! No, that would take too long, but back when we used to record stuff here, I could never get all the background noise out when we recorded your voice, and the software and the mikes are better now, but they’re still not perfect. So, I can’t fully soundproof but I can build a booth that should do the job just as well.” She looked at Clarke as though she’d just stated something very obvious.

“You’ve got this all worked out, haven’t you?” Clarke smiled. Raven had been just like this through their time at school, getting sudden ideas for projects and roping anyone nearby into helping make them real. “I’ll have to check it with mom before we start building stuff down here, though.”

“I already did. She says as long as I don’t do anything to the foundations or the frame of the house, she’s fine with it.”

* * *

“Since when have you and Raven been talking to each other about her building things in the basement?” Clarke asked her mother the next morning.

“The building stuff is new, but we’ve kept in touch since you went away. I was her doctor once, so I wanted to keep up with how she was doing when she wasn’t coming round here. Our lives didn’t all pause when you went away, and we’d share news on those rare occasions one of us heard something from you.” Abby replied, pouring coffee into a travel mug before she headed off to the hospital for another shift.

“And you’re fine with her remodeling the basement?”

“Honestly? I’m fine with anyone doing anything that gets you out of bed and looking like you’re interested in something again.”  
Clarke paused, seeing the look on her mother’s face. “I didn’t-”

“Clarke, you’ve spent the last three months not going much further than your room and the couch, and that’s fine because no matter what happens this is always your home. Unless Raven accidentally demolishes it.”

“She won’t. I think. And I’m sorry, I just haven’t know what to do with myself now.”

“You’ll find it, even if it takes a while.” 

“I hope so. Did Raven tell you she thinks she can fix the door downstairs too, so we can get stuff in and out more easily?”

That made Abby put her mug down and look at Clarke quizzically. “Do you want her to?”

“I think so. I mean, it makes sense and the steps from the outside are shallower than the stairs so it’d be easier for her, right? It’s just, that was Dad’s door, you know?” Abby nodded at her. “He’d come back from working on a site, and you’d tell him to not come in up here because he’d be covered in dirt.”

“And you’d dash down the stairs to try and get it open before he got there.” Abby smiled. “Half the time, he wasn’t even that dirty, we just saw how much you loved playing that game. It was your door as much as it was his, so don’t let that stop you making changes if they help. And now I have got to get going or I’ll be late.”

“Thanks Mom. I have to get to the hardware store. Raven’s giving me a list of things we need.”

“Clarke Griffin in a hardware store? I almost want to take a day off work to see that.”

* * *

The hardware store hadn’t been too hard to find and Raven had sent the the list of everything she needed, which had Clarke thinking it would be easy until she’d actually looked at the list. That had then required a long text conversation as Clarke wandered around the store, first interrogating Raven about what her many abbreviations meant, and then when she’d worked out what she was looking for, trying to actually find it. She’d often come to stores like this with her dad when she’d been younger, but her memories of those trips were mainly about him, rather than the details of any of the things he might have bought there. She realised that wandering the wide aisles of the store was perhaps the most exercise she’d got since coming home, getting in a lot of laps as she scanned the same shelves over and over trying to find something that matched up to Raven’s description.

Walking round, she realised that no one there knew or cared who she was, beyond being just another customer on a quiet day. When anyone approached her, it wasn’t to ask her if she’d really quit the band and if she might be going back, or why she’d done it. They just wanted to know if she needed help finding something or reaching stuff from the higher shelves. They might have heard the Delinquents when they got one of their infrequent pieces of radio airtime, but that was all. She’d let herself sit around at home or hide in the corner of the bar when she made her infrequent journeys out because she was convinced everyone looking at her would think she was a failure, and realising they didn’t think anything about her actually felt better.

Raven had been impressed with her buying abilities, and they’d got to work that night. Or rather, Raven had got to work while Clarke’s main role had been holding things in place while Raven measured, cut, taped, drilled, screwed and hammered around her. Slowly, the basement was taking shape around them, especially after

Raven delivered on her promise to get the rusted-shut door open, while Clarke spent a day clearing years of grime off the thin window strips, letting some natural light enter the space for the first time in years. By the time the end of the week came around, they had it all just the way they wanted it and Clarke felt like she’d done a useful week’s work for the first time in forever.

“What do you want to do now?” Raven asked, looking around with pride. “Any brilliant new musical ideas you want to test out here?”

“Right now, it’d all be industrial. I’m just hearing hammering and drilling noises. We can make music tomorrow, tonight let’s just celebrate finishing this.”

“To the bar?”

“To the bar.”

* * *

They were in time to grab the booth at the back before the first act came on. It had only been a week since they’d last been there, but Clarke felt very different. Back then, her aim had been to come along and drink as much as she could before going back home for a busy weekend of doing nothing, now she was out to just enjoy herself, and looking for inspiration for songs to write with Raven over the weekend.

The times she’d come there before with Raven she’d been searching for anonymity, but her realisation in the store had shown her she didn’t need to search for it, she had about the same level of it as most people. When she’d been in the band, everything about it had been her whole world, but coming out of it had shown that most people were barely aware that world had existed. Even when the Delinquents had played gigs back here in their home town, they’d hardly been triumphant returns to a packed arena, more a few hundred people in a hurriedly converted sports hall, or trying to catch the crowd’s attention over everything else that was going on at the local festival. Around here, she was probably as likely to be recognised by someone she went to school with as she was by someone who’d actually paid attention to the band.

With the pressure off her, she could just enjoy herself. The first two acts had made up for their lack of experience and skill with enthusiasm, but now the stage was occupied by someone who looked like he was trying to suck all the energy out of the room with his performance. Clarke found herself almost wincing for him as he fumbled another chord change, and then seemed to forget where the microphone was as he adjusted.

“OK, you’re a professional singer, right?” Raven asked.

“I definitely was. I don’t know if I still count.”

“Doesn’t matter. I just need your experience. Answer me this about this guy. How do you manage to mumble out of tune?”

Clarke laughed. Raven was right, his voice wasn’t much more than a drone but he was still somehow discordant with that. “It’s some kind of talent. At least he’s up there, taking the risk while assholes like us joke.”

“You want to be up there, don’t you?”

“Kind of. It’s not like I want to go and storm the stage, grab the mike and take over right now, but I’ll know when I’m ready for it again. Anyway, I need some decent material first. You going to be up there with me when I do it?”

“Only if I can lurk at the back. I like the music, not sure about the attention. And unlike that guy, I know the limits of my voice. Oh, I think he’s done. You want another beer before the next act?”

“Sure.” Raven headed off to the bar, as Clarke watched the man depart the stage, to be replaced by two women, who looked a lot more competent and promising than he’d been. They were both checking the stage and their equipment with a bit more professionalism and focus than she’d expect from a place like this.

“Hey, you never told me you knew Lincoln.” Raven said as she returned with two more bottles.

“Do I? Who’s Lincoln?”

“The guy behind the bar, got his name over the door, owns this place.”

“Oh, right.” Clarke was feeling very confused and wasn’t sure if it was because of the beer or Raven’s brain going a thousand miles an hour faster than hers again. “I only know him from us coming here. Why do you think I know him?”

“Oh.” Raven gritted her teeth. “Then I guess you didn’t know he’s seeing Octavia Blake.” She pointed across the room.

“What?” Clarke asked, turning her head to follow where Raven was pointing and saw the girl they’d been at school with behind the bar, arms around the guy she assumed was the Lincoln Raven had talked about. A few things started clicking into place. “I haven’t seen her for a while, she hadn’t been out to see Bellamy much at all the last year or so. I was so caught up in all the bullshit with Finn that we never talked about anything other than band stuff. I should go say-”

Then the music started again, cutting off their conversation and sending her mind right back to a week ago. Two women, two guitars and two voices, the song switching between the two of them as they passed the vocal line back and forth, occasionally crossing in harmony. Beneath that, the two guitars played out the old song they were covering, following its notes but adding some new complexities as they twisted around each other. It was a different song, but Clarke had just the same urge to sing along as she had before, the same urge that had led her to turn things around over the last week.

She could see Raven smiling as she watched her, and turned more to see them better. Their position wasn’t great for watching the stage, but she managed to lean over and get a decent view. It was just two of them, looking relaxed and comfortable, sitting down as they played and sang together like they’d been doing it for years. She wondered why they were playing at a place like this, surrounded on a bill with acts whose enthusiasm usually heavily outstripped their talent. Clarke almost wanted to stand up and get closer to see them better, a memory nagging at her for attention, seeing an act somewhere that might have included them that somehow connected to another argument with Finn. She shook her head to let it go and leave it for another time, focusing on the moment and just enjoying their performance. She didn’t sing along this time, but she did clap and cheer enthusiastically after each song, then was wishing for more when their short performance ended.

“Those were the two from last week, weren’t they? The ones who got you singing.” Raven asked, and Clarke nodded in response. “You should go say hello, tell them you enjoyed it.”

“I will, but give them a break first. Worst thing when you’ve done a performance is to have some stranger in your face babbling away. I was going to go say hi to Octavia, did you see where she went?”

“I think she left. I don’t think she works here, I think she works at some kind of gym or martial arts centre now.”

“Octavia? Really?”

“I guess she likes hitting things.”

“Yeah, I’ve spent time around Bellamy, I can see why that would be.” Clarke grinned. She looked around, the next act was setting up on the stage and the two women who’d just performed were now standing by the bar. “Screw it, I’m going to go say hello to them now before they leave too. Want to come?”

“I just got back from the bar. If they’re hanging around, get them to come and join us, it’d be fun to watch you fangirl over them.”

“I’m not a fangirl.”

“You say that, but you didn’t see the way you looked when you were listening to them.” Raven grinned at her. “Go, do your fangirl thing.”

Leaving her beer behind, Clarke headed over to the bar, seeing the two women talking to each other, both looking animated and excited after their performance. She felt a wistful moment of wanting that feeling for herself again, then stepped closer to them.

“Hey, sorry to butt in, but just wanted to say I thought you two were really good. I hope I can see you again sometime.”

They both turned to look at her, the one with darker hair smiling at her. “Thanks, it’s so hard to tell how it goes in a place like this. There was definite clapping though.” Her green eyes were wide and animated as she talked and she had an excited energy about her as she talked quickly.

“Well, I was definitely clapping. Have you been doing this for long? I keep feeling I’ve sen you guys before somewhere, but I can’t think where.” Clarke asked.

“It’s just the second time we’ve done this with just us two, but we used to be part of something else. That might be where.” The dark haired woman replied.

“Could be it. What’s your names/ I missed them at the start, my friend was talking.”

“I’m Lexa, this is my sister Anya.”

“I’m -”

“Clarke, from the Delinquents.” The other woman - Anya, she knew now - said. “We did the festival with you last year.”

“You did?” The old memory came back, and this time it made sense. She was killing time in the hours they had before going on stage themselves and they’d caught her attention then just like they had now. There’d been more than just the two of them. “You did. I knew I’d seen you before.” Now she’d remembered, she’d just been getting into it, when Finn had found her and insisted she return to the backstage area with him because there was some journalist she had to meet, who turned out to be some guy from a guitarists’ blog who only had questions for Finn while she sat there feeling useless.

She was just about to ask what had happened to the rest of their band when there was a sudden screeching noise as the next act on stage began their set with a burst of heavy feedback.

“I’m here with a friend.” Clarke said quickly in what felt like a brief gap after the feedback faded away, gesturing towards where Raven was hopefully still sitting.

“You want to join us? It’s a bit quieter back there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they've finally met...  
> Come say hi https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a bit longer to write than I thought, but thanks for all the comments and kudos so far, the feedback keeps me motivated. Hopefully less than a week till the next chapter comes along.

Lexa was trying to keep herself calm. She was buzzing in the afterglow of their set and then, just as she was talking it through with Anya, a gorgeous woman had appeared out of nowhere to tell them how good they’d been.

“There was definite clapping.” She heard herself say in response, not quite sure where the words had come from, but knowing she needed to say something. She said a few more things, almost on autopilot as she talked. She’d had this rush after performing before, but usually when they’d had some massive reaction from the crowd, not just people in a crowded bar noticing they were there and paying a bit more attention to them than their own conversations.

Lexa remembered seeing this woman before they’d performed, that sense of there being something familiar about her when she’d watched her laugh at something her friend had said. She wanted to see that laugh again. She wanted a lot more right at that moment, more than her brain could easily process and she was relieved when Anya started talking to the woman, relieving Lexa of the need to do so. Not for the first time, she was glad that Anya was able to stay on a more even keel after performing, allowing Lexa to just listen in to her conversation with the woman.

Anya knew the woman’s name, which surprised her, until her scattered mind picked up the memory from the year before and she remembered where she knew Clarke from. The festival had been a good day out for them. It had been just as they were starting to get some attention and was probably the largest audience the Flame had ever performed to in their short existence. They’d only seen the Delinquents from afar and while their music hadn’t been too impressive when they were on stage, she had been impressed by the few times the songs had allowed Clarke to open up and let loose with her voice before she’d given way to another dull guitar break.

The piercing shriek of feedback broke into the chain of memories, and she saw that Anya was looking questioningly at her. “Do you want to hang out here for a while or head off?” She asked Lexa.

“Oh, right. Here.” Lexa replied, trying to focus.

“Lead on.” Anya said to Clarke, letting her head off around the bar, then taking Lexa’s elbow as she followed, leaning in towards her. “Sure you’re OK?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Just that whole being back on stage thing.”

“Right. I remember. You should stop staring at her ass, she was with the guitarist in her band for ages so she’s probably crazily straight.”

“What? I’m not-”

“You’re not looking anywhere near as subtly as you think you are.” Anya said through gritted teeth as she leaned in. “And I remember how you and…she who must not be named would jump on each other as soon as we got off stage.”

“There’s no harm in looking.”

“As long as you don’t touch or get caught.” She turned away, standing straighter as they reached the booth where Clarke had slid in next to a dark-haired woman. “Hi.”

“Introductions!” Clarke said, gesturing to them to take a seat on the other side of the booth. “This is Raven, who I’ve known for approximately forever, and this is Lexa and Anya, who you just saw up on stage.”

“You guys are good.” Raven said. “And you got Griffin here fangirling over you, which was great to see.”

“It’s just good to see someone with some actual talent playing in a place like this.” Clarke said. As if to demonstrate her point, the band on stage started playing.

“It’s like they’re racing to see who can get to the end of the song first, but they’re all playing slightly different versions of it, so even when they’re in time, they’re not together.” Raven said as they watched.

“She’s like this with everyone.” Clarke said. “Always a critic.”

“Really?” Lexa asked. “Everyone?”

“Trust me. She’s spent most of the last week explaining just why every one of my songs suck.”

“Not strictly accurate, Griffin.” Raven said, jabbing the table with her finger to emphasise her point. “They suck because they weren’t your songs. You were just singing over the top of whatever dirges your idiot ex had composed.”

“You know, I’d probably hate you if you weren’t right.”

“So what did you think of us?” Lexa asked. She was still feeling good, she could take an honest opinion now, and it would help them.

“You’re good. You both play well. You-” She pointed at Anya. “-have a habit of tapping your foot on the microphone stand which is a bit annoying and you’re two backing singers trying to sound like a lead, but you’re way too good to be playing here for much longer.”

“That-” Lexa said. Looking Raven in the eyes she felt Anya tense up next to her as she anticipated an angry reaction. “-is pretty fair, actually.”

“See, she knows her stuff. So what happened to the rest of your band?” Clarke asked.

She’d asked it with curiosity and without any guile, but it the memory of the past still struck Lexa like a dagger of ice into her guts. “She left. The band and our relationship, at the same time.”

“Oh. Oh shit. Sorry, I didn’t realise.” Clarke looked like she was mortified at having brought the topic up.

“It’s OK, it was a few months ago. We’re just getting on without her now. You don’t have to apologise, it would have come up some time.” She was still buzzing and enjoying the moment, but she felt like she’d missed some important information, things that Anya and Raven had said nagging at her for attention.

“That’s good. It’s been three months for me, and I’m not sure I’m ready to get back on a stage just yet. Maybe soon though.”

“Three months since what?” Lexa asked, her voice running ahead of her thoughts again, knowing she was missing something even before she noticed that Anya was giving her a very odd look.

“Do you not remember?” She asked Lexa. “She quit her band.”

Lexa felt a few pieces clicking into place, centered around Raven referring to Clarke’s ex and what her songs were, not are. “Oh.” Now it was her turn. “Oh my, my turn to say I’m sorry, I didn’t realise. Are you all right?”

Clarke had leaned forward over the table, pressing her forehead to the wooden surface, her body shaking. For a moment, Lexa thought she’d inadvertently done something terrible, then Clarke pushed herself back up and Lexa saw that she was laughing, hard and joyously, leaning back against her seat as she let the shakes of it pass through her.

“I’m fine.” Clarke said. “I’m laughing at myself. I’ve just been stuck in my head obsessing over it all for the last three months, thinking this was the biggest news ever, the most important thing and I don’t know how to get past it, and it just hit me when you had no idea about it. No one cares about my bullshit.”

“You’re sure you’re all right?” Lexa said, leaning towards Clarke and actually taking her in for the first time. No longer was she looking like a celebrity temporarily descending to join them, but just another musician hanging around after a gig with them. She was gorgeous, but like Anya had said probably crazily straight, the women she liked usually were no matter how famous they might be.

“I definitely told her.” Anya said. “It came up on my phone while I was waiting to meet her for coffee, and I wondered if that festival was cursed and every band on it was going to break up.”

Lexa thought back. “Oh, I remember that. I missed why you were thinking that, so I just thought you were trying to tell me every band breaks up to make me feel better.”

Clarke was still smiling at her from the other side of the table, and Lexa decided that she liked that even if it didn’t mean anything. “I’m fine and I’m not offended at all. You can’t survive a week working for Raven if you have too much ego.”

“You were working with me, Clarke, not for me.”

“Raven, I was literally buying whatever you told me, then standing to hold it in place while you did whatever you needed to it.”

Anya’s eyes were getting wider as she listened to them. “Just what were you guys working on?” She asked.

“Raven decided we should turn my mom’s basement into a studio.”

“A music studio?” Lexa asked.

“Kind of.” Raven said. “I mean, not a full one all the tech gear you’d have in a real one, but you can replicate most of that with software. We cleared it out and then built in a booth that’s mostly soundproof, so me and the rock queen here can start making some songs again.”

“There was one article, once, on a website I never saw that called me a rock queen.” Clarke said to them. “Someone thought it was funny.”

“I don’t think it’s funny. It is funny, fact.” Raven took a drink from her bottle then paused, biting on her lower lip as she seemed to stop and think. “But do you know what would be good? You two should come and see it sometime, see what we can do together. Bring your guitars.”

* * *

“Are you sure this is the place?” Lexa asked as they pulled up in the driveway. “It all feels very…suburban.”

“It’s the address Raven gave me.” Anya said. “Clarke said it was her mom’s house, remember? And she was part of the Delinquents, not the Beatles, I doubt she could afford a rock star mansion.”

It was a big house, but not one that looked out of place on the long wide suburban street it was on. They’d played and rehearsed in lots of different places, but none of them had ever looked quite so normal as this. “You’re right. Don’t think I’d ever want to live out here though.” Lexa said, climbing out of Anya’s car as a familiar blonde head emerged from underneath the house.

“Hey guys, you made it.” Clarke said, walking over to greet them. It had been a couple of days since they’d all met at the bar, and Lexa had wondered whether the plans they’d made then over a few beers had been a good idea, but seeing the genuine smile on Clarke’s face reassured her they were welcome. “Need a hand with anything?” She asked as they got their guitar cases from the back of the car.

Anya handed her one guitar case as she drew another from the car while Lexa took hers from the other side. “I don’t know what gear you’ve got, but we brought two acoustics and an electric.”

“Whatever it is, I’m sure Raven can hook it up to something. Come down and have a look.” She led them down the shallow steps and into the basement.

“Wow.” Lexa heard Anya’s reaction as she stepped through the door in front of her, then got her own view of the place when her sister stepped out of the way. The basement and her attention was immediately drwn to the far corner. Just as they’d promised there was a booth there, neatly assembled out of wood and packing material with a small perspex window. Several cables trailed out of it and around it, some heading to power sockets, others to a nearby workbench where three laptops, a keyboard, and a few other boxes of electronics sat, watched over by a headphone-wearing Raven. Clarke carefully put the guitar she was carrying on an empty table near some old couches then gently tapped Raven on the shoulder.

“We’ve got company.” She said as Raven slipped the headphones back.

“What? Who? I thought they were coming at-” She looked at her watch. “Oh. Hi guys, you’re right on time. Two seconds.” The headphones went back on and she turned her attention to the screen again.

“She gets a bit focused when she’s working on something. It’s best not to interrupt her.” Clarke said with a shrug. “You guys want a drink? I can give you the tour, that’ll take about thirty-”

She was interrupted by a couple of speakers positioned by the couches sparking into life. Raven stood up, pushing the headphones down until they were round her neck. “Still rough, but listen to this.” She said. A click track started playing, then disappeared under a staccato rhythm of what initially sounded like a piano then moved into a more electronic tone, breaking into a rhythm and melody and then a voice coming in over the top.

Out of interest, Lexa had downloaded a Delinquents album the day before and listened to it on he drive to and from work. She hadn’t been expecting much from it, and the musical content had been as derivative and repetitive as she’d expected, but she had been impressed by Clarke’s voice. There’d been something in there that had caught her attention, a hint of potential and ability that was never given a chance to break out of the shackles of the songs she was singing.

This sound was that voice being properly unleashed, and it was extraordinary. She started low, almost purring along with the music, then began to range across and around it. What lyrics there were for the song were rough and obviously unfinished, but that didn’t matter to Lexa, as she could hear the range, the power and the control Clarke had. She looked over at Anya as they listened to it and got a nod and a smile from her.

“What did you think?” Clarke asked, gripping her hands tensely together in front of her, her voice wavering a little as though she was hiding some nerves. “I mean there’s no real lyrics to it, those take me a while to come up with normally, but I thought what Raven did was amazing, right?”

_She doesn’t realise how good she is_ , Lexa thought. “I didn’t really notice the lyrics. Your voice is fantastic, and the tune’s great too.” She said.

“Same here.” Anya said. “And this space is pretty amazing too.”

Lexa looked at Clarke. She still looked tense. “Are you all right?”

“Honestly, you liked it?” Clarke asked, looking straight at her. “You’re not just being nice?”

Lexa understood then that ever since she’d found out who Clarke was, she’d been expecting her to be something she wasn’t. She’d been assuming that all singers were the divas the media portrayed, or had the innate confidence that Costia had carried with her. Clarke was a contrast to that, someone who had a real talent but had been kept within narrow limits and not told how good she was or what she could be. “I mean it. You’ve got an incredible voice.” She watched as Clarke’s face broke into a smile as she relaxed.

“You see, Clarke?” Raven said. “It’s not just me.”

“Me too.” Anya said.

“Do you guys want to work with us?” Clarke asked. “I mean, if it’s not your style, we’ll understand.”  
Lexa could hear the song in her head already, thinking of where they could add to it. Even hearing it once it had got ideas coming, and she wanted to share them.

“We definitely want to work with you. Can we hear it again?”

As Raven replayed the song and they started getting their guitars out, Lexa found herself constantly looking towards Clarke and knew she wanted other things too, but she told herself that just working with her would be enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are my fuel, but so's this story, and I want to see where it goes as much as you all do. (I mean, I know where we're headed, but I'm discovering what the route is like as we travel)  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/

It had been the sort of day Clarke hadn’t experienced for years. It was as though she’d known Lexa and Anya for almost as long as she’d known Raven, the four of them just clicking when they got together. One of them would throw an idea out there - a couple of lines of lyrics, a riff, a bass line - and someone else would pick it up, add to it, and pretty soon all four of them would be putting together something new and different. Raven was recording a bunch of the stuff they did, and using the breaks they took to mix it all together. Even when one of them disagreed with something, it was because they had another idea to tackle something, and so the hours just flew by.

They were trying to work out a way of harmonising their voices together on top of one of the melodies they’d come up with in the afternoon. Raven was giving them a guide on her keyboard, Lexa and Anya’s voices were mixing together on top of that, and Clarke could see the flow of the tune in her head, waiting for her to come in at just the right moment. It was almost like an instinct in the way she could sense the wya her voice would sound, but when she started singing what came out was more of a strangulated groan rather than the singing voice she was expecting.  
Immediately, the other three stopped and looked at her.

“What was that?” Raven asked.

“Are you all right?” Lexa added at just about the same time.

Clarke knew what it was, holding one hand up to pause them while the other moved to her throat as a reflex, even though she knew she wouldn’t feel anything there. “I’m fine.” She said softly, testing her voice and her throat as she spoke. “Nothing wrong, just - hey, what time is it?”

“Almost nine.” Anya said, glancing at her watch.

“So we’ve been doing this for what - sevem, eight hours?” Clarke asked.

“Oh right.” Lexa said. “I didn’t think of that. How long’s it been?”

“Three months? More? I’ve barely done any singing since I got back here, and now I’ve been doing it all afternoon. Surprised I held out this long, really.”

“Oh crap.” Raven asked. “We didn’t break you, did we?”

“You didn’t break me, Raven, I’m tougher than that. And if you did, I wouldn’t be talking now, would I?” Clarke grinned. “I was just enjoying it so much I didn’t realise how much I’d been doing and it’s just tired out.”

“So should we stop?” Lexa asked.

“I need to take a break and get a drink, but you guys carry on, I can still throw some ideas in.” She swallowed, testing how it felt. Nothing overly sore or raw, which was a good sign. “I’m going to head up to the kitchen. Any of you guys need anything?”

* * *

Clarke was searching through the cupboards in the kitchen, trying to find what she needed while also attempting to remember her mom’s system for organising everything she had in there. Boxes and cans were sorted into very neat lines with surgical precision, but the logic of their arrangement was something she’d never been able to get her head around, and any attempts Clarke made to put things where she thought they should be never stuck in place.

“Everything OK?” Clarke turned around from the cupboard she’d been investigating and saw Lexa standing at the top of the stairs from the basement. “It’s not got worse, has it?”

“Everything will be perfect in a minute, when I find the - ha! There it is.” Clarke finally found a jar of honey at the back of one cupboard, raising it in mock triumph as she brought it out on the counter, then stirred a spoonful into the large mug of tea she’d already made. “I’m fine, though. Just overdid it today and need to soothe my throat. Do you want anything? The water’s just boiled, or there’s drinks in the fridge.”

Lexa took a bottle of water for herself. “Anya and Raven are in some big technical discussion, and they lost me after about ten words, so I thought I’d leave them to it and make sure you were fine.”

“Ten words? I can only usually make it to five before she loses me.”

“Anya’s a coder, so I’ve picked up a few things from her. Enough to bluff and get onto a different topic, at least. They’re both way too deep in it for me to keep up.”

“Raven will be happy to have someone that understands her, rather than me.” She pulled out a stool and and took a seat. Lexa followed her lead and took a seat too. “I didn’t realise Anya was a techie like that, I guess we’ve jumped past a lot of the getting to know you part. What do you do?”

“Right now, I work in a bookstore, but I was planning on going to law school before the music got in the way. How do you and Raven know each other?” She asked.

“We were at school together. Actually, my mom knew her first, she’s a surgeon and Raven was in a car accident, Mom was the one who put her hip back together after it.” Clarke could see Lexa’s green eyes were looking at her quizzically. “It’s why she has a limp sometimes, and it’s all right, she doesn’t mind people knowing about it. It’s probably better coming from me, she’d insist on showing you the scar.”

“Really?” Lexa had a fascinating look on her face when she was intrigued by something, Clarke realised.

“Oh yes, but please don’t bring it up tonight.” Clarke laughed. “Anyway, this was just before high school, and we’d been at different schools before that. So, Mom tells me that there’s a going to be a girl at school who’s got a brace on her leg and she might be self-conscious about it, so to watch out for her. Of course, the first time I see her, she’s going round showing it off to everyone, and when she discovers Mom was her surgeon, she’s asking me to help in making a few alterations to her brace because she thinks she can make it work better.”

“And did they improve it?”

“I managed to talk her out of doing it with a wrench she’d found somewhere at the school, but she insisted on coming home with me to show Mom her ideas. It turned out they did work, and we haven’t been able to stop her coming round since.”

Lexa was laughing, which was something Clarke liked seeing. “I’ve not known her long, but I don’t doubt any of that. And she got you into music?”

“I’d done some choir and school stuff when I was younger, but I stopped after my dad died. Then we ended up doing something about acoustics for a science project together, so we were just making whatever noises we could with whatever to hand downstairs and recording it, then it turned into us making our own songs together. We kept it to ourselves for ages, then started sharing it with some people we knew, they passed it on to others, eventually Finn heard it…and well, you know the rest, right?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you’d lost your father.”

“Thanks, it kind of messed me up in high school, I was a bit of an outsider, didn’t really know what I wanted to do. Kind of drove a wedge between me and Mom too, she wanted me to go to college and study medicine, I wanted to go to art school, then the band was just a way to get away from everything.” Clarke didn’t usually open up to people like this, but there was something about Lexa that made her feel relaxed and more open.

Lexa nodded. “But Raven didn’t join the band with you?”

“She didn’t want to, and by that point she had a full scholarship for college. Even if she had, they never really had much time for a woman with ideas in that band.”

“What?” Lexa asked, and Clarke saw a flash of rage pass across her eyes, looking like she’d be willing to go fight the whole world if needed. “So you never did anything like this?”

Clarke laughed. “Have you heard the albums? Does it sound like I had much to do with them?”

“Well, they’re idiots.”

“That’s definitely true. But I was an idiot too.”

“I’m sure you weren’t.” Lexa lowered her gaze, giving her a serious look.

“Lexa, I appreciate the solidarity but I definitely was. I spent years touring with them, and I was always just Finn’s girlfriend or ‘the singer’. Today, and doing all that stuff with Raven in the last week, it’s shown me what I’ve been missing.” It was good to open up like this, but she’d enjoyed the rest of the time they’d spent together too. Whatever they’d been doing that day, she was hoping it wasn’t going to be a one-off.

“It wasn’t all bad, was it?” Lexa asked.

“Oh no, it wasn’t. Do not give up on your dreams because I had a bad time. I loved that feeling of being up on stage, just losing yourself in it, you know? Do you get that?” Lexa nodded. “I was putting up with a whole lot of crap for that, then realised it wasn’t worth it, the balance wasn’t there. Plus, Finn was chasing after any girl who so much looked at him, which really did a number on my ego. If I do anything else in music, whatever it is, I’m definitely not getting involved with anyone I work with.”

Lexa laughed. “I said the same to Anya the other day. Keep anything like that as far away from the music as possible, it has to make it easier, right?”

“I don’t know where I’m going to end up with all this, but that’s definitely a rule - no relationships in the band, or with anyone I’m working with. So come on, you’ve heard my story, what’ your tale of musical woe?” Clarke knew the rule was a good idea, whatever she was going to do now she had to be professional, but something was nagging at her as she made that declaration. The logic of it was definitely there for both of them, and it wasn’t like there were any guys around she was interested in, anyway.

“I think I told you most of it the other night.” Lexa said. “I met Costia at college,I used to go to these student jam sessions they had in one of the bars. We hit it off personally and musically, which was kind of a first for me, persuaded Anya to join in with us, and it was all going really well.”

“I’m really annoyed I didn’t get to see more of you guys when I had the chance.” Clarke said. “So what happened?”

“I’m still not entirely sure. We were getting some interest from labels, and talking to guys, and guys who knew guys, guys who definitely had the phone number of the guy who worked in the office next door to the guy who could offer us a deal, all that sort of thing.”

“Oh I do. We weren’t that much higher up the chain. The other guys in the band always used to get angry that they never got the big bosses from the label coming to see us.”

“It’s like a maze, right? And almost all men, too.” Lexa smiled for a minute, then looked away from Clarke, her smile fading as she recalled something. “It all went pretty quick, and those guys didn’t want to talk to me and Anya after, but from what I could piece together someone somewhere decided they liked the look of her, someone else told her she could do better on her own, not being tied to us, and she took whatever was on offer, which meant walking out on everything we had. Which, I’ll be honest, was not a good time in my life.”

“Sounds like we were having our bad times at about the same time. So now we turn it around and make something good, right?”

“Definitely.” Lexa said.

“Hey you two.” Raven’s voice came up from the stairwell, then her face appeared in the doorway. “You want to come hear what we managed to make of everything?”

* * *

“So, this is all still pretty rough and it’s just the one tune, but I think we got the spirit of it.” Anya said. “You ready to hear?”

“Sure.” Clarke said, trying to control her nerves. They’d followed Raven back downstairs, and now she and Lexa were at either end of the old couch, watching the other two crouched over a laptop together.

“Do your worst.” Lexa said, and in response to that Anya tapped a couple of keys, then the speakers by them kicked into life.

They’d played around with a few ideas that day, but Clarke recognised that this was the first full attempt at a song they’d worked on together. Hearing her own voice always made her self-conscious, wanting to pick out everything she could have done differently, and Anya and Raven’s mix had put it front and centre from the start of the tune. She came crashing in over the initial click track, her voice almost completely bare until everything else swarmed in behind her. Anya was right that it sounded rough, with some of it out of time and different takes roughly spliced together into one version, but even with that and trying to not to focus too much on her own voice, Clarke could hear there was power and potential in the music. Everything they’d done was being crashed together with something new and dynamic was coming out of it. It was still jagged and rough at that point, but she knew there was the core of something great in there. Clarke found herself watching Lexa as she listened to the music, seeing her face in profile, eyes half-closed, her long dark hair tied loosely back, lips moving slightly as she mouthed along with the music, a smile playing on her lips as she went through the same experience as Clarke, realising what they’d achieved.

Clarke’s lyrics for the song had been rough and she’d mainly been using her voice as a guide for the others to work off. The words weren’t making much sense, some of it was things that had just come into her head as she sang along to the music, wanting something other than a string of ‘la la la’, but a flash of something she sang caught her attention. She reached over to the table and grabbed the notepad she’d been writing ideas on to write it down and make sure she remembered it as a basis for writing something more.

_Out of the ark we came falling_.

“Damn.” Lexa said, as the playback abruptly stopped. “We’ve made something good, haven’t we?”

“We have.” Clarke said. “Does that mean we’re…?” She trailed off, trying to think of the right word for where they all were, somewhere short of being a fully-fledged band but also a long way from ‘hey, let’s do this again sometime’.

“Working together? Writing together? Exploring?” Anya suggested. “Doesn’t have to be anything until we decide, right?”

“Sounds good to me.” Raven said. “The song, and the working together, I mean.”

Clarke saw Lexa turn to look at her for just a moment before speaking. “I’m in, whatever it is.” She said. Clarke couldn’t place the tone of her voice, it sounded enthusiastic but with an underlaying of something else. Clarke wasn’t quite sure what the something else was, but watching Lexa she had a sense of it herself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still feeding off your comments and kudos, so thank you for all those. Advance warning that updates might slow down a bit towards the end of the month, but hopefully back to my regularly vaguely consistent frequency in Novemeber. https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/

**Raven 6.27am**   
_We need drums._   
_Sampled are fine, but they’ve got no soul._   
_And really annoying to program when you keep changing up the rhythm._   
_Do we know anyone?_

**Lexa 7.22am**   
_And good morning to you too._   
_Why are you only asking me this?_

**Raven 7.24am**   
_Sorry! Meant to go to the group chat._   
_They'll both still be asleep, anyway._   
_But you had one, right?_

**Lexa 7.27am**   
_We did. But after it ended, he got a job on a cruise ship._

**Raven 7.29am**   
_Ouch, that’s pretty dull. I thought you guys were cool._   
_That was a joke!_   
_???_

**Lexa 7.49am**   
_I was in the shower!_   
_We were cool! Dull just pays better._

Lexa put her phone down and focused on getting herself ready for work. Over the years she’d had many ideas about where she might be in her life by this point, and none of them had included working in a bookshop while writing songs in someone else’s basement. It should have felt like a massive setback to her life plans, and it had until a few weeks ago, then they’d met Clarke and Raven.

They’d been doing whatever it was they were doing - and steadfastly refusing to give a name to - for only a couple of weeks, but it wasn’t like anything she’d been involved in before. The songs they were creating together were continually circling in her mind, and every time they got together each of them had so many ideas, they barely had time to get them all out. The only question they hadn’t addressed yet was what they were going to do when the songs were finished. Were they just new friends having some fun before heading off to lives outside of music, writing them for themselves to perform at some time, or just to make a name for themselves as songwriters? The law school application was still sitting there on her laptop, waiting for her to make a decision about which way her future was going. It felt like none of them wanted to ask the question, but maybe Raven’s determination to push them forwards would force them to decide.

**Raven 7.51am**   
_It does. So I should do some of the work they’re paying me for._   
_It’s no good, I haven’t had enough coffee to care about this yet._   
_Should I ask the others about drummers?_

Lexa’s instinct was to text back a ‘yes’ then ask what the plans for tonight were, but something stopped her. Adding in a drummer was moving on a step from where they’d been. It wasn’t just the practical side of finding space for a drum kit, but the sense that they’d be locking themselves into this, whatever it was. She enjoyed everything they were doing, and the music they were making together was exciting her, but she wondered whether she was ready to be in a band again, ready to commit to something like this.

She looked at herself in the mirror as she tied her hair back ready for work, knowing that those weren’t the real questions she had to answer. She was absolutely ready to be in a band again, and she really wanted to get out there with the others, playing their songs.

_Am I ready to be in a band with Clarke?_

Lexa had felt an attraction to ever since that first night they’d met at the bar, but she’d thought that was just from the rush she felt from being on stage having nowhere to go now she wasn’t with Costia. Then she’d explained it away as just a bit of a crush thanks to someone her brain had tagged as famous wanting to spend time with her. That first day they’d all met up, she’d been glad that they both agreed relationships with people you work with were a bad idea, and she was willing to set it all aside while they were doing that. Her hope had been that either the attraction or the working relationship would fizzle out given enough time, but both had got stronger. It wasn’t just that Clarke was phenomenally talented with a voice that did all sorts of thing to her when she heard it, or that she was gorgeous, it was that her experience of fame hadn’t turned her into an ego-driven star. She was down to earth, naturally seeing herself as an equal to the other three.

On the other hand, there was the rather large issue that Clarke hadn’t shown any indication of being anything other than straight, but more pressing was that Lexa knew the no relationships rule was a good idea. Costia had simultaneously destroyed both their relationship and the Flame, but the rest of the band, and especially Anya, had been subject to the whims of their relationship while they were together. At the time, she hadn’t considered the consequences of their relationship ending, sure that they were in it for the long haul, but experience had taught her some tough lessons. What if they’d got what they wanted, got a contract, made an album and then split up? Would the band have survived it? She didn’t have to be a devoted music historian to know that there were plenty of careers that had foundered alongside failed personal relationships. It wouldn’t be fair on Anya, Raven and whoever else they might bring into this to make them accept the risk of a relationship going wrong.

With that thought, she knew she had the answers she needed. What they had felt like something genuinely special, something where she had to see if it could work without throwing spanners into the works from the very start. The attraction she was feeling would surely fade over time, anyway.

**Lexa 8.09am**   
_Go ahead, it’s a good idea._

* * *

Lexa and Anya took a couple of seats at the bar as they waited for Clarke and Raven to arrive. They’d decided on a night out at Lincoln’s when Clarke told them her mother had an early surgery the next day and needed some quiet in the house for once. Missing a night of making music was a blow for Lexa, and likely for all of them, but it was good to have a night out with her friends, and perhaps it could be an opportunity for them to talk about where they were going with this, even if the day’s conversation on the group chat hadn’t generated a drummer for them yet.

“Where have you guys been? I’ve still got a slot open for this week’s open mike if you want it.” Lincoln asked as he walked over to them. Anya had known him for as long as Lexa could remember, and she always felt slightly conscious of her previous status as the over-inquisitive younger sister to properly relax around him.

“Not this week, Linc.” Anya replied. “Working with someone new on a project, but maybe at some point in the future.”

“A project? Who with? And anytime you guys want to play here with anyone, I’m happy.”

Anya looked at Lexa, raising an eyebrow. Lexa shrugged in response, it didn’t feel like anything they were doing was super-secret and it wasn’t like Clarke was some reclusive diva who was demanding total privacy.

“You know Clarke Griffin?” Anya asked. “With her and a friend of hers.”

“Course I do. I mean, I’ve never met her, but Octavia’s brother’s in the Delinquents., so…”

The way he trailed off felt odd to Lexa. “Is there something we should know?” She asked, suddenly wondering if they should have asked some more people before diving into this.

“About Clarke? Not that I know of.” He replied and Lexa felt herself relax. “Just Octavia and her brother, they don’t get on. But that’s her story to tell, not mine.”

“Got you.” Anya said with a nod. “Hey, you must speak to a bunch of musicians, know any drummers who might be interested in working with us?”

Before he could reply, Lexa felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to see Clarke and Raven had arrived. “Hey guys, sorry we’re late. I had to persuade Raven she didn’t need more coffee.”

“Which I still dispute, but we’re here now.”

Lexa smiled, wondering just how, and if, Raven slept with the amount of coffee she drank. “We were just chatting with Lincoln, I didn’t realise we were all connected.”

“Neither did I till Raven told me.” Clarke said, then turned to look at Lincoln. “And we haven’t properly met, have we? Feels like I haven’t seen Octavia for a long time, is she around?”

“She’s still at work.” Lincoln said. “But she’ll be coming in later. I think she’ll want to say hi to you guys when she does.”

* * *

“I just had this image in my head.” Clarke said, her hands moving as she talked about the song. “This idea of people falling out of the sky, and that connected to the whole ‘came falling out of the ark’ thing I did for the song, then it all ust sort of flowed from there.”

Lexa looked at the paper she held in her hands, where Clarke had written out the lyrics she’d written for one of their songs. There were lots of crossing outs and rewrites there, along with a whole lot of sketches and doodles around the side of the page, but Lexa could track the way they went and hear in her head how they would fit in with that first song they’ve written. “These are really good.” She said. “The imagery is pretty wild, but it works.”

“You sure? The guys always used to shoot down my-”

Raven jumped into the conversation. “Clarke, we’ve already established many times that they’re idiots who had no idea how damn talented you are. Lexa’s right, these are great, and so are all those others you’ve been writing.”

“Hey guys.” The voice came from the end of the booth they were sitting in. Lexa looked up and saw a young woman there who she recognised from being around the bar, but couldn’t quite place. Clarke turned to look and Lexa saw her face break into a smile.

“Octavia!” Clarke called out, shifting along the seat so she was squeezed in closer next to Lexa, patting the space behind her for the other woman to sit in. “It’s been a while, how have you been?”

“Good. Bellamy’s still being an asshole, but you know that.” Octavia said, slipping to the empty space.

“I do. He’d never really explain why you two fell out, so I figured it was his fault. I should have got in touch, but everything was just a mess.”

“I know, don’t worry about it. He doesn’t like Lincoln, told me I needed to break up with him, so I told him to leave me alone till he understood I make my own decision.”

“That sounds…entirely like him.” Clarke said, laughing. “It’s o good not having to deal with all those egos any more. Oh, I forgot. You know Raven, obviously, this is Lexa, and this is Anya, we’re all…working together.”

“Lincoln said you were. So are you a band?” Octavia asked, prompting the four of them to go silent as they looked at each other. “Right. I get it. Anyway, Linc said you were looking for a drummer.”

“We are.” Raven said. “Do you know one?”

“I do.” Octavia said. “Me.”

Lexa could see the looks of incredulity on Clarke and Raven’s faces.

“What?” Raven asked. “How long for?”

“A few years now. Long story, but someone at the gym got me into it. Turns out that I like hitting things.”

“Bellamy never said anything.” Clarke said.

“Probably because I never told him. He’s the musician in the family, he’d never have taken it seriously.”

“True.” Clarke said.

“Have you played with anyone?” Anya asked.

“Honestly? No, not many people. I’ve rehearsed with a couple of things that never took off, and been in a wedding band a couple of times when their regular guy was sick. There are probably loads of guys out there with a lot more experience, but I know you and Raven, and I’ve seen you two-” She pointed at Lexa and Anya “-play, so when Linc said you were looking for someone, I thought I’d give it a try.”

The four of them glanced around at each other again. Lexa nodded. “I like your spirit.” Anya said. “And we don’t have anyone else right now, so sure, let’s give it a try.”

* * *

Sorting out five different schedules and then waiting for Clarke to find a time her mom wouldn’t be disturbed by adding drums to their meant it was a few days before they got to see Octavia in action and work with her. Raven had sent Octavia some of the rough mixes of their songs to learn them, so by the time she was set up and ready to go there was a tension in the air. Octavia was a bundle of nervous energy, passing a pair of drumsticks from hand to hand as they talked through the songs and settled on starting with a run-through of ‘Out Of The Ark’, which was the song the four of them all seemed happiest with and eager to see what a drummer could add to it.

“Let’s do this.” Octavia said, tapping the sticks together as she counted to four, then began the song, following the rhythm Raven and Anya had used for the original mix, waiting for Clarke’s vocal to come in, the other three of them following in turn.

That was the point Lexa truly knew they had something special. Live drums filled out the sound, and Octavia picked up their rhythms like she’d been playing with them for all the weeks they’d been together. She kept looking around as they played, her guitar feeling light in her hands, all the notes and the runs she’d spent time working on flowing naturally, her voice mixing in with Anya’s behind Clarke’s when needed. When they finished that song, they plunged straight into the others, testing out what they had, just to be sure, but when they ran out of songs to play, the situation was clear. Octavia was in the band, and they were now a band, not just something waiting for definition.

The excitement and adrenalin took them to Lincoln’s to celebrate, and then to have their first disagreement as a band as they tried to settle on a name. Each of them throwing in potential names only for the others to shoot down. The Five, Dropship, Gleaming, Keepers, Reapers, Pressure and others all get scribbled on a notepad, then crossed out as one or more of them vetoed it.

“Good to see one happy crew.” Lincoln said as he dropped off another round at their table, and even though things were getting hazy by then, something resonated. Lexa looked to Clarke, waiting for the idea to come properly clear, then they both turned at the sound of Octavia grabbing the notepad, writing on it, then turning it to show the others. It was one new word and seven letters that sounded right to them all.

_Onecrew_.

* * *

Later that night, sometime after it all turned into a blur, Lexa woke up, trying to work out if it was her pounding head, numb arm or cramped leg that had forced her out of her drunken sleep. She didn’t recognise where she was, or the bed she was lying on until she carefully raised her head in the dim light and realised she was in Clarke’s basement, still dressed. An unfamiliar arm was wrapped partly around her, and the realisation that there was someone else lying close behind her on the wide couch made her slowly turn her head to see who, while her brain scrambled to work out how she’d got there.

For a moment, the lack of light let her pretend it was someone else, just another night she’d ended up crashed out next to her sister, but Anya’s hair was longer and nowhere near as blonde as the woman Lexa was lying next to.

_Just a drunken night. A complete one-off, we’ll never have a day when we create a band again_ , she told herself, trying not to notice how good it felt to have Clarke lying next to her and holding her as she fell back to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Being able to sleep just about anywhere was one skill Clarke had learned during her years on tour. The band’s lifestyle had meant she rarely just got to go to bed and sleep, and so she’d developed the ability to grab whatever sleep she could whenever she had the chance. Waking up on the couch in her mom’s basement was a long way from the most unusual or uncomfortable place she’d found herself, and there’d been plenty of nights in her youth when crashing there had been more attractive than walking all the way up the stairs to her own bed.

What was surprising her this time was that she wasn’t alone on the couch. Her arm was slipped around something - no, someone - warm, and her face was beneath a mass of dark hair that definitely wasn’t her own. She shook her head to clear the hair from her face as she pushed herself up on her other arm, wincing as she became aware of her headache, then looked down to confirm what she’d already been pretty sure of. She’d just spent the night on the couch with Lexa, who was still deeply asleep and nestled up against her in a way that was distinctly not uncomfortable despite the two of them still being dressed.

The morning light was floating in through the narrow windows, glinting off the array of empty bottles and half-full glasses that were scattered around the place. As she looked around Clarke was relieved to discover that she and Lexa were the only people still in the basement, wondering just what the other members of the band would think of finding the two of them like this.

She carefully extricated herself from behind Lexa, trying not to disturb and wake her as her mind worked to piece together what had happened the night before.

They’d come back from the bar for some more drinks to celebrate forming the band, then Lincoln had arrived to take Octavia home. Lexa and Anya had got a ride with - no, that couldn’t be right, because Lexa was there with her - Anya had gone with them.

“You can always crash here, there’s loads of space.” Clarke heard herself saying that, remembering how she and Lexa had been passing her phone back and forth, playing each other songs they liked that they thought the other wouldn’t have heard, both of them getting excited when they discovered a shared favourite. The three of them had been talking about songs they could cover, ways they could mix them up, and-

_The three of them?_

“Shotgun on the guest room with the big bed.” Clarke remembered Raven declaring that, and how she’d been sat in the big chair opposite the couch she and Lexa were on. They’d been talking deep into the night, bouncing ideas off each other until yawns and mumbles had outnumbered actual words.

“Time to crash. You two coming?” Raven had asked, pushing herself up out of the chair.

“Right behind you. Come on Lexa, better places to sleep upstairs.” Clarke had said as she watched Raven going up the stairs, and then felt Lexa slumped against her. She had a hazy memory of deciding to stay sitting there for a couple of minutes to let Lexa wake up before guiding her upstairs.

And then she’d woken up with her. The house above was silent, and when she turned to look to her side, Lexa was sleeping peacefully, her hair strewn across the couch behind her. It was odd for Clarke to see her face so relaxed and peaceful, those green eyes hidden away. Normally, Lexa was paying intense attention to whatever was going on around her but asleep she looked totally at ease for once. It was a good look, Clarke decided. For a moment she was tempted to lie down where she’d been and go back to sleep, but as she watched, Lexa moved a little, wrapping her arms tighter around herself as she pushed back against the couch and she decided to fetch her a blanket instead.

There still seemed to be no one up as she got to the top of the stairs and walked along the hallway to the closet where she knew her mom kept extra blankets, so she almost jumped in shock when a door opened as she walked by it.

“Never thought I’d catch you doing a walk of shame, Clarke.” Raven said quietly.

“What? I’m not, I mean, I never-” Clarke’s heart was hammering and she suddenly felt very awake.

“I’m kidding. Even if you are wearing exactly what you had on when I left you.”

Clarke looked down at herself, trying to think of an excuse, then wondering why she needed an excuse. “We both fell asleep down there. Lexa’s still sleeping, I thought I should grab her a blanket or something.”

“Sure. Whatever. I need coffee, you go tuck in your sleeping beauty.” She shuffled past Clarke and then headed down towards the kitchen as Clarke found a blanket and headed back to the basement. She walked carefully down the stairs, not wanting to wake Lexa, only to discover that she was already awake.

“Oh, hi.” Clarke said. “I brought you this for if you were getting cold.” She held out the blanket towards the bleary-eyed Lexa who had now pushed herself up into a mostly sitting position on the old couch.

“Thanks.” Lexa said, blinking her green eyes as she pushed her hair back from covering her face. “I think I’m awake now, though.”

“Well, it’s here if you need it.” Clarke said, putting it down on the other chair. “I mean, if you didn’t sleep well, or you’re just cold or anything. Did you sleep all right?” She asked, hoping asking a question would make her stop filling the silence between them with whatever was passing through her head.

“I did, actually.” Lexa said with a faint smile. “Bit of a hangover now. Are you OK?” Her eyebrow raised as she looked at Clarke in a way that seemed to be asking her other questions she wasn’t ready to contemplate that morning.

“Yes, good. Slept well. I mean I did.” Clarke was finding it hard to look away from Lexa and to think of anything sensible to say until she grabbed on something passing through her head. “Raven’s making coffee. If you want some, think I need it anyway.”

That felt like a good enough reason to finally turn away and quickly walk up the stairs, while also wondering just what she was doing. All they’d done was crash together on the couch, she told herself, it wasn’t as though anything had actually happened between them. Yes, she’d had her arm around Lexa while they slept, but that was just because it had to go somewhere, it didn’t mean she had any sort of attraction going on. Besides, she could remember the conversation they’d had up here, neither of them wanted anything to get in the way of the music, so even if she was feeling anything-

“Earth to Griffin, I said is there any breakfast food in this kitchen that you know of?” Raven’s voice and waving hand broke her out of her train of thought.

“Try in there.”

“I did. It’s all granola, wheat bread and things that are far too healthy.” Raven scowled.

“You really think my mom would have anything unhealthy in her kitchen? How long have you known us?”

“Long enough to hope that you might have done some shopping so there was something vaguely tasty in here.” Her gaze moved past Clarke. “Hey Lexa.”

Clarke turned and saw Lexa standing at the top of the stairs, somehow looking a lot more healthier and awake than Clarke felt. “Is there coffee?” Lexa asked.  
“Sure is, but nothing else useful or tasty.” Raven said. “You guys want to go get breakfast?”

“I would, but I’ve got work today.” Clarke watched as her face scrunched up while she thought. “And how did we get back here last night? Because I think my car is still at Lincoln’s.”

“We Ubered.” Raven said.

“Which means my car is there as well.” Clarke said, remembering squeezing up against Lexa in the back of the car. “So we better go get them. You’re not going to be late for work or anything, are you?” She asked Lexa, worried for her.

“No, not starting till later today, but I do need to get home and shower and change.”

This time, they sat on either side of the back seat. Clarke had the urge to say something to Lexa, but couldn’t work out what it was, and instead she rode in silence, listening to Raven talk to their driver instead, occasionally glancing over at Lexa, seeing a look on her face that was hard to read, the intensity back on it as she looked out of the rear window of the car watching the rain that was now falling. When they got to the bar, it was too wet to hang around and they all dashed to the protection of their cars, Lexa’s lights flashing at them before she drove away.

**Lexa 10.02am**   
_How’s breakfast?_   
_Thanks for last night. Letting me crash, I mean._

**Clarke 10.03am**   
_It’s good. Raven has decided she wants to marry a plate of waffles._   
_It’s OK, you’re welcome. Any time._

_Lexa is typing…_

Clarke watched her phone screen from the corner of her eye as she chatted with Raven while they ate. The typing dots appeared and disappeared a few times, but no message came until after she’d dropped Raven off and was heading home.

**Lexa 11.25am**   
_Thanks! Got to get to work. See you later._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, bit of a shorter chapter, but the scene that's going to follow this felt like it needed to be in a new part. And it means you got a quicker update, so all's good, right?   
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Achievement unlocked: over 100 kudos! Thank you all for the feedback, it keeps me going.  
> Say hi, ask questions, get updates, feed my raging ego even more: https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/

“Lincoln’s got a slot for us if we want it.” Octavia said.

“Aren’t we a bit big for an open mike slot?” Lexa asked. “Plus, it’d take a while to set up with five of us.”

“Not an open mike. He wants us to do a full set. Our first proper gig.”

That created a rare silence in the basement as the others paused to take in the implications of it.

“Are we ready for that?” Anya asked. “When’s the slot?”

“He’s booking in a few bands at weekends now. A few of the decent ones from the open mikes and others that are around. I got him to keep one free for us. Sunday, two weeks from now.”

“Two weeks? Is that enough time for us to be ready?” Clarke asked. “We’ve been writing and creating, not really rehearsing as such.”

“Clarke, it’s a Sunday night at Lincoln’s and - no offence, Octavia - that’s hardly Carnegie Hall.” Raven said. “We’ve got to do a first gig at some point, might as well be amongst friends.”

Clarke thought it over as the others talked about it, sensing their excitement growing at the idea. It felt like a rush, but then everything about the band so far had been a rush and had worked out. Plus, the idea of actually having an audience again was very inviting, especially as this time she’d be singing songs she’d been part of creating.

“So, we’re doing this?” Octavia asked. The other three all jumped in to say yes before Clarke could speak.

“Absolutely.” She said, and suddenly she could feel the excitement in the room rise as thought they’d all started an internal countdown clock. “What are we putting on the set list?”

As the others started throwing ideas forward, Clarke found herself glancing towards Lexa, catching her eye and then both of them looking away. By not talking about it, they’d come to a mutual agreement to not mention what had happened on the night they fell asleep together, and with even Raven not having shown any curiosity about it, the rest of the band were none the wiser. Clarke had tried to forget about it, but then she’d catch Lexa looking at her sometimes and it would feel like it was the same way Clarke looked at her, asking questions she wasn’t ready to answer.

Clarke didn’t want to repeat her old mistakes, mixing up the music and relationships. She’d joined the Delinquents purely as a singer, and the relationship with Finn had developed as they’d spent more time together, never anything official until it was, and then she felt like she’d lost something and become just an adjunct to him and his views, not part of the group in her own right. She’d spent enough time around Lexa to know that she was a completely different person from Finn, but when that relationship had completed its long slow collapse she’d had to walk away from everything to get out of the rubble it left behind. If the same happened here, Clarke didn’t think she’d have Raven around to pull her out of it again, and the chance of another musical opportunity like this coming around would be slim.

She shook her head, focused on the excitement she was feeling, that anticipation of being about to get up on a stage again, joining in the discussion on what the best order for the songs they had.

* * *

“Are you doing anything next Sunday?” Clarke asked.

“I’ll have to check the schedule at the hospital, but I think I’m free. Why?” Abby replied.

“The new band. We’re doing our first gig, and I was hoping you might want to come see us. Will you?”

“I think I’m free. I’ll check the schedule but if I’m not down then I can block it off to keep it free. And thank you.”

“For what?” Clarke asked.

“For asking me to come, it’s the first time you’ve done that in a while.”

“You came to loads of our shows.”

“You never directly asked me to come, though.” Abby said, looking at her over the kitchen table. It was one of the rare days when they were both in and eating breakfast at the same time. “You’d mention you were playing somewhere near here and then a ticket or a pass would turn up in the mail. You assumed I would come, you never actually asked me to.”

“I-” Clarke started to protest, then thought it over, had she ever actually asked her mom to come? She’d always made sure that Abby knew when they were playing near to home, but she was right, Clarke had usually assumed she’d come, she’d never made the effort to ask her to come along. That had been the attitude of the band as a whole, expecting that they’d get the things they wanted whenever they said they wanted them, not thinking that they might need to ask. “You did come though. Usually.”

“Because it was a rare chance to actually see my daughter in person. I was always trying to keep track of what was happening with you, even if you weren’t talking to me about what was going on in your life.”

It hurt to hear that, and Clarke knew that it wasn’t that long ago she’d have stormed out of the room rather than listen to more of it. Something she’d realised over the last few weeks of working with the band was that being in music didn’t have to be long periods of tension and arguments where she’d be relieved to get on stage and forget about it for an hour or so. “Was I really that bad?”

“I think we both were, it’s not all on you. We shut ourselves off from each other when Jake died, and then we forgot how to communicate, so we just managed to have arguments instead of conversations until you went away.”

Clarke knew that was right. They’d got stuck in their trenches of art school and med school, neither willing to give a yard, and when the offer to hit the road with the band had come along, she’d seen it as a way to get away from everything. “I guess we were both pretty angry. But you didn’t try to get me to come back when I left.”

“Because you’d have said no and probably had nothing more to do with me. I kept talking and because so if it all fell apart, you’d have somewhere to come back to.”

“So are you coming to see us because you want to, or because you feel you should?”

“This time it’s because I want to. For the first time in forever, you look like you’re actually happy and enjoying yourself.”

* * *

It didn’t take long to realise that at Lincoln’s, ‘backstage’ actually meant ‘hastily cleared out store room’, but by the time they were all in there, Clarke had too much energy flowing through her in anticipation to properly care. It was a long way down from even the modest heights the Delinquents reached and their rider consisted of just a few bottles of water and plastic cups, but Clarke felt more excited about this gig than any other she’d been at in a long while. She looked round the room, seeing Anya and Lexa tuning their guitars, Octavia idly tapping her sticks on a table, then twirling them around her fingers as her feet tapped out a rhythm, and Raven lying across three chairs hands held out above her as she tapped out a sequence. Clarke had been in that room the longest, the others letting her have it to herself for a little while to do her vocal warm ups, and she’d stayed in there after finishing them, getting no sense of how many people there might be outside, part of her fearing that the sole audience for this was going to be her mom and Lincoln.

It was Lexa who took command and got them going. Moving the guitar to her side, she walked to the middle of the room. “It’s time.” She said, her face taking on the intense cast that Clarke had seen on her so many times already. “We’ve got great songs, we know them back to front, we’re going to sound great, and they’re going to love them. Are we ready?”

“YES!” The other four replied together, the atmosphere in the room hitting a peak just as they headed out of the room. As the door opened, Clarke could hear the noise filtering through from the bar. It was the sound of lots of people talking, moving, drinking, waiting for them to come on stage. She relaxed as she heard it, knowing there were people there for them, letting the old feelings run through her and remembering she was a performer again. They were on stage and quickly setting up, each of the other four nodding to her after they plugged in and made their last few checks. They were ready.

She took the microphone in one hand, her other hand tilting the stand towards her. The stage was small and not that high above the ground, the crowd close in front of her, the noise level dropping as people anticipated them starting. There wasn’t room for her or any of them to move much, but she knew she could make this work.

“You ready for this?” She asked the crowd, getting a murmur of responses and a few shouts from them in response. “We’re Onecrew, and be nice to us, OK? This is our first time.” Grinning, she rested on the stand, turning around to look to Octavia, knowing it was up to her to start this off. Clarke saw her take in a deep breath as she raised her arms up, clicking the drumsticks together as she counted them in.

“One, two, three, four.” Clarke looked from Octavia to Lexa, saw her hit the first notes on her guitar, feeling them reverberate around the room as Octavia picked up the rhythm, then Raven and Anya came in behind. She could feel the music around her, flowing through her and waiting for her to join in, and it was as though the way she’d felt it before had just been a rehearsal for this, preparing her for this night. She wasn’t just a singer any more, she was part of something bigger, something that came from all of them, and it felt so good.

* * *

“You guys were fantastic!”

Lincoln was the first one into the store room after they’d come off stage and left the crowd behind. Clarke was still buzzing from it, ad looking around, it seemed they all were, all of them excitedly pacing the room as they processed what had happened. The set had flowed like they were on rails, almost perfectly matching up with each other, the crowd slowly getting more and more excited as they ranged across the material they’d created, playing all their songs and showing them what they could do. There’d been a swarm of people around them as they came off, all congratulating them, wanting to know when and where they’d be on next, and now they were all in something like shock at how well it went.

“We did it. We actually did it!” Anya cried, hugging Lexa tightly, then Clarke as she moved around the band. As she moved towards Raven and Octavia, Clarke found herself looking straight at Lexa, their eyes catching each other and she instinctively opened her arms towards her, sweeping into an excited hug, both of them grinning as they pressed together, warm and covered with a sheen of sweat from the heat of the stage. She pulled back slightly, looking into those green eyes for a moment, sharing that joy together.

“Clarke! You were so good!” She heard a familiar voice, then another pair of arms around the two of them as her mother hugged them both. “I love that guitar sound of yours Lexa, and you sound really good together when you’re singing.” She stepped back from them and Lexa followed her lead, staying close to Clarke but just a little bit away from direct contact.

“You liked it? Honestly?” Clarke asked.

“I did. I know I’m not musical like you, but I know when something sounds good, and you all sounded really good. And I had someone who is an expert say the same.” Abby said, turning slightly away and gesturing to a man by the door who Clarke hadn’t noticed until then.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Clarke asked. “Are you even allowed to be?”

“Hi to you too, Clarke.” Marcus said, stepping closer to them. “And I thought you guys were great too.”

Clarke stopped for a moment, taking a breath as she tried to collect her thoughts, working through everything that was happening.

“I’m Lexa.” She heard from next to her.

“Marcus Kane, great to meet you, loved your guitar work. I-”

“Marcus is the Deliquents’ manager.” Clarke interrupted, facing him. “And you know my problems were with them, not with you, but I signed that agreement when I left, and it says I can’t have direct contact with you.”

“That’s true, but the phrase is actually ‘member of the management team’, and as of about two weeks ago that no longer applies to me.”

“What? You quit?” Clarke asked, trying to process everything happening right at the moment while fighting the urge to grab Lexa again for support.

“I wish. They fired me, would you believe it? But that’s for another time. Abby said you had something new and thought I might want to see, and she was right.”

“Mom?”

“I’m not covered by any agreement you signed, and Marcus always kept me up to date with what was going on with you, so I was just returning the favour.”

“This is all a bit much.” Clarke said. Back when he’d first become their manager, Kane had been tough towards them all, but Clarke had got him to know him more over the years and he’d supported her where he could, then done his best to facilitate her escape from the Delinquents when it happened.

“We’ll let you guys enjoy the rest of the night.” Abby said. “Marcus will be here for a couple of days, leave all that to tomorrow.” She hugged Clarke again. “I’m so proud of you.”

With that, they were gone, and Clarke looked at Lexa again, waiting for the right words to come, but then the other three were on them, and Lincoln was cutting a path through the crowd to get them to the bar. Clarke let them all lead her, leaving the problems for another day, determined to enjoy the night that lay ahead of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's two Clarke chapters in a row, but we'll be back with Lexa next time.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm away at the end of next week for about a week, so updates might slow down while I'm away. Or they might speed up if there's nowhere to go out at night while I'm away, we'll see.   
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/

Lexa was trying to enjoy what should have been one of the best nights of her life. The show had felt incredible, their performance well beyond anything she’d expected for their first time out and the crowd had loved them. Even now, a while after they’d finished people were still coming up and telling them how good they’d been and wondering when they’d be playing next.

“You’ll find out when I do.” It was the simple answer to give them that hid they hadn’t paid any consideration to where they were going after this gig. Like the rest of the process that had brought them here, they’d jumped from one landmark to the next, and now she realised they just might need to make a plan. Thoughts of where it was all going were filling her mind, taking her away from enjoying the moment as she walked around the bar trying to burn off some of the nervous energy that still flowed through her. It hadn’t helped that she’d got to spend so much of it right next to Clarke on stage, watching the way she moved on the stage, how she came alive as she sang.

“Hi.” A woman’s voice distracted her. It was someone she didn’t know, a loose shock of multi-coloured hair over a sharp undercut. “You guys were really good, and you’re a really great guitarist.”

“Thanks, I’m glad you noticed.” Lexa said, noting the not unwelcome way the other woman’s toned body was leaning closer into hers, the thoughts she was generating in Lexa’s head finally pushing the worries out.

“I definitely noticed you.” She said. “You looked really good up there. I definitely want to see more.”

“Of the band, or just me?” Lexa said with a smile, moving herself closer to her in response to her presence. It had been a while since she’d flirted with anyone, but her body seemed to remember the old moves. She’d never experienced this after performing before, but at this point after all her previous gigs she’d been back at the apartment with Costia, tearing each other’s clothes off.

“I liked the music, but you were definitely the main attraction.” The woman said, a hand moving to Lexa’s hip to reinforce her point.  
Lexa could feel the rush inside her, all that energy from being on stage needing a release and her imagination already working on how it would feel to take this woman home and let herself go with her. She twisted around a little to face her better and as she moved around she could see the rest of the band standing over by the bar, spotting Clarke between Anya and Raven, her head tilting back in a laugh at something one of them had said. With that look her mind juddered, like she was stumbling over a rock in the middle of what had been a perfectly smooth path, and then it wasn’t the woman she was talking to who was in her imagination.

“Thanks, but I’ve got to go, see you around sometime.” Lexa said, flustered as she pulled herself away from the other woman and registering the shock on her face. She left the girl behind and walked around to the bar to join the rest of the band, trying not to think too much about what she’d just turned down. She’d thought she’d put the moment she and Clarke shared backstage out of her mind, but just catching a glance of her blonde hair across the room was enough to remind Lexa of the intensity of that moment they’d shared. If Clarke’s mother hadn’t interrupted them right at the moment, she wasn’t sure what would have happened, but Lexa was sure she’d seen her feelings for Clarke reflected in the way she’d looked back at her.

By the time she reached the others, she was feeling almost calm, able to ignore the urges within her for a while and well on the way to convincing herself that she hadn’t made a mistake walking away from the woman and all she represented. Clarke, Raven and Anya were still gathered around, with Octavia on the other side of the bar, pouring out shots for them all.

“Lexa! Just in time!” She said, pushing a glass to her, as the others all picked up theirs. “Onecrew!” Octavia cried as they all knocked them back. Lexa winced at the raw burn as the shot went down, then joined the others in slamming the glass down on the bar.

“Everyone wants to know when we’re playing again.” Clarke said. “It’s annoying having to tell them I have no idea.”

“Lincoln says he’ll fit us in whenever he can, if we want.” Octavia said. “But it’s another month before he has a decent slot free.”

“Then we need to get out and find some more shows.” Raven said. “Not that I have any idea how we do that.”

“Wait, have we just found the one subject Raven’s not an expert in?” Clarke said. “We should probably note the historic day.”

“Very funny, Griffin. I don’t see you stepping up to find us any more.”

“I’ve never had to. I just turned up where they told me to.”

“There’s a few places we used to play.” Lexa said, looking at Anya who was giving her a curious look. “We could try some of them, I think they’ll remember us.”  
Anya shrugged. “They’ll probably be booked up for a while like here, though. And likely need us to do more of the work to set it up than Lincoln did. It’s not going to be easy, guys.”

“It’s worth it though, right?” Octavia said, pouring out another set of shots for them. “Tonight was great, they really liked us and they want more. We all want more too, don’t we?”

“We do.” Lexa said, picking up the glass and knocking the drink back, her throat feeling slightly less raw this time. “We’ll sort it and find somewhere. This is just the start.”

* * *

“So, what’s going on with you?” Anya asked at lunch the next day. They’d met up at a sandwich place near Lexa’s work at her sister’s request. She’d assumed Anya was bored of staring at a screen and needed a break, but the question came with more intensity than she’d expect.

“You know what’s going on with me. Work, band, sleep, you see me pretty much every day.” Lexa said.

“I do, but we hardly get to talk, just the two of us. I’m your sister, so I can tell when there’s something going on.”

Lexa focused on her food for a moment, using it as a chance to avoid Anya’s question for a moment or two. Anya had always had a knack of seeing behind whatever facade Lexa put up around herself, going right back to the first night they’d met when Lexa had been scared on her first night in a new foster home and Anya had been there to reassure her that Gustus and Indra’s house would be a safe place for her. Anya had understood her then because she’d been through the same things. Lexa had connected to the older girl and decided she was her sister long before the paperwork made it official.

“Why do you think there’s something going on with me?” Lexa asked.

“Because last night I watched you turn down an absolute sure thing.”

“What?” Lexa spluttered, trying to turn her face away.

“Lexa, I know you. I got very used to watching you get off stage and then spend the bare minimum of time with everyone before you dragged Costia off back home with a very horny look in your eyes.”

“It’s kind of weird my sister noticed that, you know.”

“I’d have to have been kind of blind not to, you’re not as subtle as you think you are. Anyway, back to last night and while the rest of us were talking, I caught sight of you and some girl getting very close, and it’s feeling very like those times we used to go to clubs.”

“We haven’t done that in a while.” Lexa said.

“We haven’t. Probably because they usually involved you meeting some girl, checking I was OK, then disappearing not long after we got there. I got used to nights on my own there.”

“And this is relevant because…?”

“Because I saw you flirting last night, so I was expecting the same and thinking about how I’m going to explain it to the others. Then suddenly I see you leaving a very surprised-looking girl alone and joining the rest of us.” Anya said.

Lexa watched her sister for a moment, seeing the sceptical look on her face. “She was hot but she had a boyfriend, wanted to take me back for him to watch.”

“Oh, that’s terrible.” Anya said, and for a moment Lexa thought she’d got away with it. “Well, it would be if it was true. You’re a really bad liar, Lex, so that’s not why you turned her down. And there were other girls in there giving you the eye after her, and you could have got with any of them but you didn’t. So, you were up for it, then something changed, that’s what’s up with you.”

“I just wasn’t into it, OK? There’s nothing up with me, it’s just like you said, how would it have looked to everyone? This band’s a new start, and I didn’t want to start that off by being the one who hooks up with a stranger after every gig.”

“Sure, but whenever you’ve been single before, I’ve never known you to turn down a hookup. There’s something else going on.” She paused, sipping her coffee as she looked at Lexa as if she was waiting for something. “OK, I’ll say it. You were thinking of her, weren’t you?”

“What?” Lexa gasped, trying to work out how Anya had worked out that Clarke had distracted her from the girl. “W-what makes you think that?”

“Well, your reaction now is a good sign I’m right. But it all fits.”

“How so?”

“Well, you’d have been thinking of her, given it was our first real gig since she left, and you’d have missed not being able to dash off with her at the end of the night, right?”

Lexa nodded slowly, her whole body tense. Anya had strayed so close to her secret, then veered away at the last minute by thinking it was all about Costia, not Clarke.

“So it’s natural to think about her, but you really shouldn’t get hung up on her, you know? That’s not going to be good for you. Like you said, this is a new start.”

“I know it is. It’s just that she got in my head last night. I was into it with that girl, then thought of her and just didn’t want it.” She hoped Anya wouldn’t notice she avoided using a name, because if she kept it like that, she wasn’t technically lying to her sister.

“Look, I’m fine if you don’t want to get back into being the hookup queen, but please don’t get hung up on Costia.”

“Anya, I’m not going to get hung up on her. I barely think of her, it’s just sometimes she pops in my head. We were together for a while, it’s going to happen, but I don’t want her back, I promise you that.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, things were a bit stressful either side of my break and couldn't get writing as much as I wanted. Hopefully back to more regular updates now!

Clarke’s head was pounding as she walked into the kitchen, trying to remember how to make coffee. Her head felt like a radioactive gorilla had been jumping on it for most of the night and she needed a large infusion of caffeine to shrug off her hangover and give her a chance to focus on the rest of the day.

“Good afternoon.” Abby said from the kitchen table.

“Oh hi. Morning.” Her eyes briefly focused on the clock on the wall behind her mom. “Oh, right. Afternoon.”

“There’s coffee here if you want it.” Abby said, gesturing to the pot on the table. “Probably safer than you trying to make it yourself. Water will help get rid of the hangover better though.”

“It’s not a hangover,” Clarke lied, embarrassed at her mom having spotted her condition. “I’m just tired after last night.”

“Clarke, you’re not in school anymore, you’re an adult, I can accept that you drink and get hangovers. Anyway, you guys were good last night, you deserved to get to celebrate it.”

Clarke got herself some water, then poured herself some coffee at the table. “You enjoyed it then?”

“I did, and it looked like you did as well. You looked so much more happier and into it than before.”

“Before?” Clarke asked.

“Your old band. When I saw you with them. I mean, I was always proud of seeing you up there performing, but it usually looked more a lot more like work than pleasure. Last night, you all looked like you were having fun.”

“It was fun.” Clarke said, thinking it over and remembering the rush she’d felt, the way they’d all worked together on stage. She was used to waking up with a hangover after performing, but that had normally come from desultory drinks backstage or in a bar next to whatever motel they’d stayed in. Her mom was right, last night’s had been a celebration, continuing the fun from the gig. “We just need to work out where the next one’s going to be. Lincoln’s not got an open slot for a while, and we were so focused on this one we didn’t really think about what was going to come next.”

“Maybe you guys need that talk about what’s coming next. Have you thought about where you want it to go?”

“Not really.” Clarke said. “I mean, I have, but I don’t know what the others want, they were all pretty keen on finding more gigs last night though. I’ll think about it more when my head’s clear.”

“I’m just going out, so if you want to clear your head on the couch in front of the TV, go ahead.”

“I thought today was your day off?” Clarke asked.

“It is, I’m meeting Marcus for lunch while he’s still in town.”

“Oh.” Clarke had forgotten the strangeness of her former manager turning up amidst everything else that had been going on. “You didn’t tell me you and him were friends.”

“Well, we used to talk when you were in the band and he’d keep me up to date with what was going on with you, then he got back in touch a couple of weeks ago. When I told him you were doing a gig again, he wanted to come along. He didn’t get in till a couple of hours before, and I thought you were too focused on the gig for me to disturb you with the news.”

“Is he staying around for long?”

“I’m not sure, you can come to lunch if you want.”

“I would, but the idea of getting dressed, moving, and eating right now is not making my head pound any less. Maybe bring him round here after, I might be more awake then?”

* * *

After a shower, more coffee, and finally finding some unhealthy snacks hidden at the back of a kitchen cupboard, Clarke was feeling more alive and had moved herself from the couch in front of the TV to the one down in the basement. Lexa had left one of her acoustic guitars behind and Clarke was idly strumming it to remind herself of one of their unfinished songs, scribbling ideas for lyrics on a notepad by her side.

“Hey.” Clarke almost jumped off the seat at the voice, thinking she was alone in the house. She looked up and saw Marcus standing at the bottom of the stairs.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to disturb, but you’re mom said I should say hello, and as I legally can now, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity.”

“It’s fine.” Clarke said, putting the guitar to one side. “I had a great lyric about the sky being burning orange, then realised I needed that to rhyme with something on the next line. It took me about ten minutes to remember nothing rhymes with orange, so I probably shouldn’t be writing today.”

“It’s great that you’re writing.” Marcus said, moving over to sit on the couch opposite. “And the stuff I heard last night was great.”

“Thanks, but I’m mostly just the lyrics, the music comes from all the others. Anyway, what I want to know is what happened to you? Were you serious about them sacking you?”

“Absolutely. Well, not officially sacked, you know how it is, it’s ‘contract terminated by mutual consent’, but ever since you left things weren’t good so I probably should have seen it coming.”

“Really?”

“Well, they were saying things were better than ever before, you’d been holding them back and everything you’d expect, but they also thought I’d been too willing to help you get out and make sure you got a payoff, and the atmosphere was terrible whenever I tried to get them focusing on doing any actual work.”

“That’s not exactly new.” Over her last year in the band, Clarke had noticed how much of their time was spent looking like they were writing or rehearsing, but instead wasting hours on pointless tasks, obscure squabbles and minor details. “It’s part of why I got out of there.”

“So, what happens is that some of the guys at the label are going off to do some wilderness survival course, and Finn and Bellamy decide they want to go because they’re off on some whole thing about being macho men now there’s no longer a woman in the band.”

“Wait? Finn doing a wilderness course? I’d have rejoined just to see that. How bad was it?” Clarke laughed.

“I never saw, but they never posted anything of it on social media, so I guess it wasn’t that good for them.” He smiled and shrugged. “But it turns out the guy organising all this for the label - Pike - he thinks he could do a better job than me managing them, and uses being on the course with them to win them over. I don’t hear anything when they come back, and then a few days later I get a call from the lawyers that I’m being cut out. I fought it for a while, but then I realised it’s probably better for them and me if they’ve got a manager who can actually stand to be in the same room as them. So, as I’m no longer under contract to them, there was nothing stopping me from being in contact with Abby or you any more.”

“They didn’t tell you to your face you were fired? That’s pretty crappy. At least I told them I was quitting before I walked out.”

“I was there, remember? I think I was the only person in the room who didn’t get a very accurate explanation of why I sucked.”

“Because you were the only person in there who didn’t.” Clarke said. She couldn’t remember the detail of just how much she’d unloaded on the rest of the band that day as it had just flowed out of her on instinct, but it had been extremely cathartic. “I mean, I thought you were an asshole when the label forced you on us at the start, but you spent a long time cleaning up our shit and doing your job. We wouldn’t have got as far as we did without you.”

“And now I get to do it all over again. Ever since the news got out, I’ve had labels asking me to come and manage some group of stroppy antisocial teenagers they’ve signed up. I know you guys never went as far as you thought you were going to go, but you got a couple of albums, some decent airplay, a few devoted fans and some cash in the bank, which is a lot better than most get.”

“Who’s the lucky group going to be? I’m available for advice for any girl singers stuck with a group of guys if you need it.” 

“Honestly? The plan was to take a couple of months off.” Marcus said, sitting up on the couch and looking across at her. “Travel around, relax, see some friends, you know? I haven’t had a decent break where I didn’t have to break it all off because one of you guys called me up with an urgent crisis in years. So when Abby tells me you’re doing a gig with some bar band you’ve joined up with-”

“Hey, we’re not a bar band.” Clarke interrupted. “We didn’t do a single cover last night.”

“I know, but the way she described it to me, that’s what it sounded like. I was thinking you could do better, but it’d be good to check it out and see that you’re doing OK. I figure that’s the important thing here, that’s why you got out.”

“And I am.” Clarke said.

“I can see, but you know what I saw last night?” He was animated now, moving more as he talked, not just in easy conversation.

“What?”

“A lot more than I expected. You guys have been together, what, one month? Two months?”

Clarke thought back to when she and Raven had first cleared out the basement, and when they’d met Lexa and Anya. “Nearer two.”

“Two months, and you’re already tighter than guys who’ve been playing together for years, plus you’ve put together a whole bunch of songs that have the potential to be absolutely stellar.”

“Marcus, you don’t have to flatter me anymore, you’re not being paid to do it.”

“Hey, I might have praised you guys sometime, but I was always honest. I don’t think you realise how good you are.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying if I had a label exec there with me last night, I could have got you signed up to a deal by this morning, and if I had two, I could have started a bidding war that would have got you everything you want by the end of the week. Clarke, you guys have the potential to be massive, and I want to be the manager who takes you there.”

“Really? You think we’re that good?” She was shocked to hear it, but there was also a thrill there at knowing that she’d been right, that the music they’d been putting together was something special.

“I do. I’m not going to guarantee anything, and you’ve still got a lot of work to do, but if you want to try it, you’ve got a great chance.” Marcus said, looking right at her. She was sure he was being sincere about this, and knew that what he was offering was possible.

“We’ve only played one gig. I don’t even know if the others are wanting to do this full time. I can’t make the decision for them.”

“You don’t have to, I’m not asking you to do anything today. Talk it over, think it over, and if you’re all up for it, we can meet and talk it through. I’m not in any rush.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully back to more regular updates from now on, and I think all the main pieces are in place...

Lexa dashed from her car towards Clarke’s house, pulling up the hood on her jacket to shelter from the rain that had been coming down all day. Through the narrow windows, she could see the lights were on in the basement so she headed straight down the outside steps to get there, the door thankfully unlocked to let her in and get quickly out of the rain.

Lexa could feel a different energy in the room as soon as she entered, the other four already there and waiting for her. It had been a couple of days since they’d played the gig at Lincoln’s, but she’d spent so much of the time since then dissecting the performance and experience in here head, excited at having taken that major step. Tonight they were planning a group debrief of all their thoughts on that night, thinking about different ways they could have ordered the songs for better impact, or places where what they’d hoped for hadn’t quite worked out, or they hadn’t been able to replicate what they’d been doing in rehearsal.  
For Lexa, thinking over the performance had naturally led into thinking about everything else that had happened that night, especially how Clarke had slipped into her head even more. She was glad that Anya knew her just well enough to miss the cause of her distraction, as she really wasn’t ready to talk about it with anyone yet. A discussion like that would make it all too real. For now she could pretend it was little more than a workplace crush, something harmless that would soon fade away into a regular friendship as they spent more time working together, her professionalism about the band getting it under control.

She’d almost convinced herself that was true before she walked into the room, then Clarke turned to smile at her, blue eyes glinting in the light from the various lamps around the room.

“Hi Lexa.” Clarke said. “We were just comparing hangovers from Sunday.”

“Eh, it was survivable, not the worst, and work wasn’t too busy on Monday morning, which helped.” _And I went home and actually slept instead of hooking up_ , she thought. “So, what are we doing tonight?”

“I thought we were going to debrief from the gig.” Raven said. “But Griffin has so obviously got something she needs to tell us that we should probably do that first.”

“What?” Clarke said, looking shocked at Raven.

“Ever since I got here you’ve been on edge, obviously waiting for everyone else to get here. I’ve known you long enough to know that you’re not good at keeping secrets, Clarke. So spill. Did you get us another gig?”

Lexa’s stomach churned with nerves as she realised Raven was right. Clarke didn’t look on edge, or like she was going to deliver bad news, but she clearly did have something she wanted to say to them. Everything had been going so well since they’d started playing together that Lexa had been waiting for something to go wrong with it. She wondered if playing on Sunday had made Clarke realise how much she’d missed her old life and so had decided to go back to it.

“All right, all right. First, it’s not another gig, well not straight away.” Clarke said, letting the others grab seats around her. “I don’t know if any of you saw him, but the guy who came to the show with my mom on Sunday was Marcus Kane, he was the manager of the Delinquents.”

_I knew it_ , Lexa thought, _she’s going back_. “What did he want?” She heard herself ask, her voice wavering a little.

“It’s complicated, but when I left them, he was really helpful in getting me out of it all, because there’s a load of legal stuff involved in it which I have no clue about. But, I wasn’t allowed to contact him after that because the agreement I signed said I couldn’t have contact with anyone in their management.”

Lexa looked around at the others, all of whom seemed just as confused as she felt right now.

“So you’re not allowed to talk to him, but he could come to our gig? That’s pretty messed up.” Anya said.

Clarke laughed. “I guess I’m not explaining this too well, am I? He was there because he’s not their manager any more, they sacked him, and it turns out that he and my mom have become friends so she invited him along.”

“That’s Marcus?” Raven said. “Your mom used to mention him when she was telling me what you were up to…and we should probably talk about that later. Carry on.”

“Was she sending out mass emails about what I was doing? I never realised how much you were all keeping track of me.” Clarke asked, looking at Raven. “You’re right, let’s not get distracted. The point I’m trying to get to is Marcus was at the gig and then I spoke with him yesterday. He says he think we’re really good, and he wants to manage us.”

“He wants to manage us?” Octavia asked. “As in professionally? He knows we didn’t get paid in cash for that gig, doesn’t he?”

“He thinks we can be a lot bigger than that. Like, a lot bigger.”

“How big?” Anya asked.

“I don’t know, I don’t think he knows but he was talking about how he reckons labels would be interested in hearing us, even signing us.”

“This is kind of a big thing to drop on us, Griffin.” Raven said. “One gig and suddenly this.”

“Hey, I know. Look, I could have just told him thank you and ignored it, but I thought you all should know what he said. Whatever else, he’s been working in the business since before I was born and he thinks we’re good, so we can take the compliment, right?”

Lexa looked over to Anya to try and gauge how her sister was reacting to this, but she’d turned away to say something to Raven. She felt hollow, like the nerves she’d had earlier had grown and swarmed inside her. She could feel the excitement of the others, understand that what Clarke was passing on sounded like good news, but all it was generating in her was a sense of dread, like everything Clarke was saying was just a precursor to an inevitable doom waiting down the tracks for them.

She felt a hand on her knee, someone getting her attention. “You all right?” Clarke said, leaning over towards her. “You’re pretty quiet.”

Lexa realised she’d lost track of what the others had been saying as she got lost in her train of thought. “Yeah, all fine. Just busy at work today.” She said, looking at Clarke and not seeing any guile or hidden secrets there, but still unable to shake the fear this news had generated in her.

Clarke gave her a quizzical look then turned back to the other three, who’d been talking it through. “I get it, I’ve known it for a day and it still feels kind of weird, right? We don’t have to decide anything now, anyway.”

“Maybe we should all meet him.” Anya said. “You know him, and you obviously trust him, but none of us have.”

“I’m up for that.” Raven said. “Being told how good we are will be good for the ego, even if nothing comes of it.”

“That’s good for me. As long as he knows where we are on it. I mean, we don’t even know where we’re going yet, do we?” Octavia said.

“From what he said to me, he’s not in any rush. He was taking time out before taking anything on, but then I guess we got his attention.” Clarke said, turning back to look at Lexa. “What do you think?”

She could feel four sets of eyes on her, waiting for her to say something, join in with what they were all agreeing on. They all seemed happy and enthusiastic, not feeling the dread that was still hanging over her. “I - I don’t know. It just feels like…” She said, trailing off as she remembered just what it felt like, almost physically sick as it came to her.

Lexa pushed herself up off the chair. “I need some air.” She heard herself say, legs moving automatically and quickly to take her to the door and then outside, the voices of the others just noise as she fled outside.

* * *

Lexa watched the rain flowing down the windscreen of her car, listening to it patter on the roof. Her fingers rested on the keys in the ignition ready to turn it, but she couldn’t find the motivation to do it. She’d come to her car when she realised it was too wet to stand around outside, but now she had no idea what she wanted to do next. The dread was still there, but she knew driving away wouldn’t get rid of it or what had caused it. That had already happened, and there was no way for her to go back and change the past, no matter how much she wanted to. Instead, she watched the rain for a while, caught between running away from everything and going back to the basement, where she knew she’d have to explain to the others why she’d reacted like that.

She was disturbed by the sound of someone tapping on the passenger side window. Turning her head, she saw Clarke, trying to shelter herself under a coat.

“It’s not locked.” Lexa said, leaning over to pull the inner door handle, Clarke quickly slipping into the seat as the door opened, then closing it quickly behind her.

“Hey.” Clarke said, biting on her bottom lip as she looked toward Lexa.

“You got the short straw of coming out to talk to me?” Lexa asked.

“No, I volunteered.” She shifted around in the seat to face her better. “Anya said it’s best-”

“To give me a few minutes before anyone talks to me?” Anya would remember how to deal with her when she was like this, Lexa knew, it had happened enough when they were younger.

“Yeah. She was going to come out, but I think it was something I said, wasn’t it? So I thought I should come out and find out what I can do to fix it.”

“You didn’t break anything, you don’t need to fix it.” Lexa kept watching the rain, watching a bead of water flow down it to stop her from looking across to Clarke.

“Lexa, you looked like you’d seen a ghost, then you got up and left without saying anything and now you’re sitting in your car in the rain. I might not have broken anything, but something’s obviously wrong.” She reached out, resting her hand softly on Lexa’s knee. “What is it?”

Lexa turned a little to look at her, seeing the concern and confusion on Clarke’s face. “It wasn’t a ghost. Just that you reminded me of something - of someone.”

“Oh.” Clarke said, and they paused in silence for a moment. “Can I ask who?”

“Costia.” Lexa said, her voice barely more than a whisper as she turned away.

“I see.” She heard Clarke say, her hand remaining in place. “And not in a good way, obviously.”

Lexa shook her head, realising that it wasn’t the rain on the glass outside that was making her vision blurry and wet. Clarke didn’t say anything for a while, but she didn’t move away.

“She found your old manager, didn’t she?” Clarke said eventually. “And told you just like I did.”

Lexa nodded, closing her eyes and trying to force the old memories to disappear. “And the guy from the label too. The one who thought we were really good.” Her voice wavered as she spoke.

“And you think I’m going to do the same as her?” Clarke asked softly.

“I don’t think you are, but I worry you will. Even if it’s not back to them, you’re a bigger name on your own than you are with us.”

“Lexa? Look at me.” Slowly, she turned around, trying to blink away the tears that were forming, then rubbing her eyes instead to clear them. Clarke was leaning toward her, looking directly into her eyes. “I’m not Costia. I’m not leaving you, OK? I’m part of this band. Onecrew, remember? It’s all five of us or nothing, I’m not giving up on that. I’m not giving up on us.”

“Promise?”

“Absolutely, cross my heart and whatever else.” She paused, her hand squeezing Lexa’s knee in a way that was entirely not uncomfortable. “Do you know why I came back home when I quit?”

“No.”

“This is just between us, right? I haven’t told Mom or Raven.”

Lexa nodded.

“It was the day it was all official, I’d signed all the papers, walked out of that office and was heading back to my apartment with no idea what I was going to do next. Then, and this is like ten minutes after it was all official I get a call. It’s some guy called Cage, Rage, some stupid name like that, works for the Mount Weather label. Anyway, he says he heard I’m free now and they want to sign me up on a solo contract.”

Lexa looked at her in surprise, wondering how none of them had heard anything about this. “What happened?”

“I felt like I think you did just now.” She said, her face scowling at the memory. “He was reeling off all these things they wanted to do for me, and every single one of them sounded like the worst thing in the world. I love music, I love singing, but I don’t want to be the centre of attention, or some great big star, I don’t want to sing other people’s songs they’ve chosen for me, I don’t want stylists and media managers and whatever else he went on about. He was listing all these things like they were just want I wanted, and I just felt sick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hung up and went back to my place and by the time I’d calmed down from that call, I had two other messages on my phone from other labels offering me the same thing. I realised if I stayed there, they’d be trying to drag me into being something I didn’t want to be, and at some point I might crack. So, I cancelled the lease on my apartment, packed everything I wanted to keep in my car and drove back here, throwing my phone off a bridge on the way. Then I got home and basically went to bed for three months because I realised I’m literally not qualified to do anything else.”  
Lexa could feel herself relaxing as Clarke shared her story, even laughing at the end of it.

“Luckily, Raven dragged me out to a bar one night and got me singing along to a couple of sisters, and then you were there for the rest of the story.”

“The story so far.” Lexa said.

“Definitely.” Clarke said with a grin. “So, as I’m not going anywhere, and you’re not driving off into the night, are we good?”

“We’re good.” Lexa said, and on that, Clarke leaned in, her other arm wrapping around Lexa’s shoulders as she awkwardly hugged her in the cramped space of the car. Lexa gripped her back, remembering the way it had felt holding her before, realising that they might have solved this issue, but there was still something hanging between them that neither of them seemed ready to acknowledge yet.

Slowly, they let each other go and moved back, “I can tell Marcus no thanks if you’re not ready for it.” Clarke said. “There’s plenty of other people who’ll want to work with us, I’m sure.”

“No, we should meet him. I need to get over this, not wallow in it. And we should get back inside too.”

Clarke was smiling as she looked at her. “We should, but there’s one thing I think you ought to know that you might not like before we go back inside.”

“What?” Lexa worried for a moment, but saw Clarke was still smiling and not looking worried.

“You smudged your makeup when you rubbed your eyes earlier, and you kind of look like a raccoon right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever, thanks for the comments and kudos, they keep me going!

Clarke had noticed that the house reverberated when they played. It was nothing serious, they weren’t knocking it off its foundations, but sometimes when she was singing it would feel as though the house was reflecting their music back at them, adding another layer to it. The mix of sounds and vibrations varied as she moved around the basement, giving her different insights into the songs and how her vocals mixed in with everything else.

Tonight, things were sounding different again. Normally, they assembled in a rough circle as they played, Raven’s bench of keyboards and laptops positioned next to Octavia’s drum kit while Clarke, Lexa and Anya faced them, speakers and cables scattered around the room. Over time through trial, error and a few stumbles over outstretched cables, they’d found the best position for everything. This time, though, they were in an awkwardly new position, Clarke, Lexa and Anya facing out from the circle, in the opposite of their usual position. Marcus had come down to the basement while they were playing through their last couple of songs for the night and they were attempting to not simply show their backs to him as he leaned on the edge of the couch to listen to them. With the sound around her being different and the tension of performing for someone possibly important, Clarke was slightly on edge and trying not to make eye contact with him as she sang, hoping that they still sounded somewhat as good as they had at the gig.

She watched Lexa as the last song came to an end, seeing the intensity and focus on her face as she drew the last few notes from her guitar, finally holding on to one final wavering note as the rest of the music faded into silence around her. Even when they’d been performing on Sunday, she’d been amazed by Lexa’s ability to focus entirely on the moment, playing as if there was no one else around. “That works.” Lexa said, as her fingers came off the strings and the last of the sound faded into the walls around them, then shrugging the guitar off and unhooking the cable. It was odd seeing Lexa back to hr usual self after their conversation in the car the other night when she’d been completely different, so open and vulnerable.

Finally, as the rest of the band started turning things off and putting them away, Clarke risked a look at Marcus as she began winding up the microphone cable. She knew their sound tonight had been rougher than when he’d heard them before, but she hoped it hadn’t changed his mind about them.

He was clearly thinking as he watched them move around, but he didn’t seem tense or like someone looking like he was about to leave. “You didn’t play those two on Sunday, did you?”

“They’re still not finished.” Lexa said. “But I think that new ending works, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Clarke said to her. “It did, holding the one note makes it easier for the others to fade out.”

“Not finished.” Marcus said, shaking his head with a smile. “Perfectionism. I can work with that.”

“What’s wrong with perfectionism?” Lexa asked.

“Nothing at all. It’s refreshing to see. Makes a big change from what I’ve been used to the last few years.”

“Well, thanks.” Clarke said.

“You were the exception. Everyone else was doing the bare minimum to get by.” He said, then looked past her to the others. “Before I accidentally insult anyone else, I’ll be honest. From what I’ve seen and heard tonight and Sunday, I can see you guys are good. You’re not all the way there yet, but you’ve got the potential to be something great and I can help you get there. If that’s what you want.”

There was silence as the five of them looked at each other. Clarke knew what her answer was, but didn’t want to speak for the others, they’d arranged for Marcus to come that evening because they needed to make their own minds up.

It was Lexa who took control, looking at each of them in turn, green eyes looking for any opposition from each of them before she walked over to take a seat facing Marcus. “We’ve still got a lot of talking to do before any decisions get made, but we do want to hear what you’ve got to offer.”

“That’s the most I was expecting.” Marcus said as the others sat down so they were facing him in an arc with Lexa at the centre on the couch, Clarke taking the space next to her. “Most of you don’t know me, and I don’t know how much Clarke has told you.”

“Enough to get you in here.” Lexa said. Clarke couldn’t help but watch her face when she was like this, in control and commanding the situation. They hadn’t needed to discuss that she’d take the lead for them, they’d all just assumed it would be like this.

“I’ve been working behind the scenes for bands since I was in college. I never expected it to become my life, but turns out it’s more interesting than the public administration degree I got. I’ve never been good at making music, but I know what sounds good, and what I do is make things easier for the bands I work with. I look at you guys and I know that if you keep on rehearsing and doing gigs, then you’ll start getting other potential managers interested, but in those few months you’re going to get really stressed dealing with venues and trying to get gigs, chasing up whatever’s happened to demos you’ve made and all the other stuff you’re going to need to do just to get some attention. You did your first gig on Sunday, and I bet you’re already finding that getting the second one isn’t easy, right?”

They didn’t need to say anything to each other to confirm that, the general shrug amongst them was enough. Anyone they’d spoken to had been non-committal in their response, wanting more information before going ahead with talking about any bookings.

“Look, you’ll get them, you’ll just have to jump through a lot of hoops. If you want to work with me, then it’ll be my job to jump through whatever hoops I can. I can call up contacts I’ve got, get you some gigs and probably get you on some showcases for labels in a few months if you’re ready for that.”

“And how do we know you’ll do what’s best for us? I mean all of us, not just one or two.” Lexa asked. Clarke watched her face as she asked that, still impassive, showing none of the emotion she’d revealed to her in the car. It was strange to see, but also somewhat of a thrill to her.

“Honestly? I’m not here looking for solo artists or anything like that. It’s you five as a unit and what you’ve created together I’m interested in. But if you’re worried I might do something like that, we can put things in the contract to stop it. I know that four of you don’t really know me, but I can’t do the job if you don’t trust me, so all I can do is promise to make myself worth your trust if I get a chance to prove it.” Marcus said. He and Lexa were facing off with each other across the room, but Clarke didn’t feel like it was tense or antagonistic between them, more that they were testing each other out.

“Let me put it this way.” Marcus said, looking round at all of them before focusing on Lexa again. “I’ve already got labels wanting me to come in and manage some new act they’ve signed. It’s my job, I can do most of it on autopilot, and I don’t even have to think they’re any good to do it to make a decent living doing it.”

“So why are you here?” Lexa asked.

“Because you’ve got real potential. Massive potential. The bands I’ve managed have been medium-sized at best, trundling round the same medium-sized venues, playing songs that sound just like all the other medium bands, building medium-sized fandoms and think getting the occasional four-star review is something to celebrate. When I listen to you guys, it’s something different, something new and this is my chance to get in at the start of the challenge of making you a lot bigger.”

“Are you saying we’re your midlife crisis career change?” Lexa asked, still impassive but sitting next to her Clarke could feel her relax, like she was convinced by something.

Marcus laughed. “Sure, why not? But managing you would be much more interesting than starting a microbrewery or whatever else I could do.”

Lexa’s face relaxed a little, a small smile playing on it as she looked to the others for any more questions but no one said anything. “We need to talk it over and think about it.” She said.

Marcus pushed himself up from the couch. “I’ll wait to hear from you but whatever you decide, I do want to see what you guys do together, OK? Even if I have to pay for tickets.” He said his goodbyes then left them alone for a discussion that went on well into the night .

* * *

Clarke walked into the coffee shop the next day, looking around for Raven for a moment before she spotted her at a table in the corner hunched over a laptop, two mugs steaming on the table next to it.

“Is one of those for me, or were you up all night working again?” She asked as she reached the table, taking a seat opposite her friend.

“You’re here before I got a chance to taste either of them, so sure.” Raven said, looking up from the screen. “And it wasn’t quite all night, there was definitely an hour or so of sleep in there. But it means I’m all caught up with everything, and just about done with work.”

“I thought you were never done with work. You’re always complaining about it.”

“Because they keep giving me more when I tell them I’m done with the stuff they’ve given me.” Raven said, pausing to take a swig of her coffee. “And now I’m at the point where I’m ready to tell them I don’t want any more.”

Clarke thought for a moment, parsing her way through Raven’s words and how it fitted in with what they’d all been discussing last night, the commitments they’d need to make if they were to take up Marcus’s offer and go for it. “You’re going to quit? Raven, being an engineer is all you’ve ever wanted to be for as long as I’ve known you.”

“It is, but it’s not like the world’s going to ever stop needing engineers, is it? So if I want to do something else for a while, something that’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance, I can do that and then come back to it if I need to.”

“You think we’re going to be successful enough that you can quit your job?”

“More that there’s no way you guys are going to make it without me, and I need to be able to focus properly on it. There’s only so much caffeine can make up for lack of sleep.”

“So what did you want me here for?” Clarke asked.

“Because I’ve got my email giving notice sitting ready to be send, but I want to be sure this isn’t going to all fall apart in a few months.”

Clarke sighed. “Raven, we’ve had this discussion, and like I told Lexa and told you all, I’m not going to quit and go solo. It’s absolutely not something I’m interested in. And I’m definitely not ever going back to the Delinquents.”

“Those are the least of my worries. I’m concerned that whatever’s going on between you and Lexa is going to blow this up.”

Clarke almost spat out her coffee when her friend said that, but she just about managed to maintain her dignity as she swallowed it down without choking. “What?”

She finally said, hoping that just staring at Raven without saying anything would convince her to change the topic.

“Please Clarke, don’t pretend there’s nothing happening, even if there’s nothing actually happening.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Clarke said, her voice wavering despite all her attempts to sound firm.

“Really? Denial? So, you think no one else has noticed the way you two stare at each other when you think no one’s looking? I mean, she was impressive talking to Marcus last night but you were looking at her like she was a piece of art.”

“I was just impressed how she kept so calm, that’s all.”

“Sure.” Raven said, looking at Clarke over the rim of her mug of coffee. “Impressed. That’s definitely how it looked. And what happened the other night when she walked out?”

“We just talked in her car. You were there, we all talked to Anya about it before I went out. She was worried I was going to go off like her ex did and leave the band behind, so I explained that wasn’t going to happen. We’re friends, nothing more. I’m not-”

“Griffin, don’t say it. I remember junior year.” Raven said. “What was her name?”

“Who?” Clarke said, feeling herself blush.

“You’re a terrible liar, you do know that, don’t you?”

“Niylah.” Clarke said, defeated and remembering the senior she’d had a thing for. “It was just a crush, nothing more.”

“Clarke, you spent most of the year in full bisexual panic mode. The only reason nothing happened was because you got completely tongue tied around her and couldn’t say a word.” Raven said with a smile. “And this isn’t about your sexuality, it’s about this band. Remember what you promised when we started?”

“No relationships in the band. Which is fine, because I’m not planning on having one.”

“Promise?” Raven said.

“I promise. I know I haven’t got a job or anything to give up for this, but I want it and I want it to work. I wasted years of my life being with Finn because I knew us breaking up would mess up the band, I’m not repeating that mistake again.” Clarke said. She knew Raven was right, and maybe if they’d met in another way at another time, something might have happened between her and Lexa, but what they had now was far too important for all of them for her to let her feelings risk it for the others.

Raven said nothing, just turned to her laptop, quickly made a few keystrokes then turned back to Clarke. “And that’s done.”

“What’s done?”

“I just sent my boss my notice. Whatever was happening between you and Lexa was the one doubt I had left, but now I’m in. Let’s go rock the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, if nothing's ever going to happen, I can end it there.
> 
> Kidding, obviously. But you're lucky this isn't going up around April 1st :)
> 
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	13. Chapter 13

Lexa found Clarke sitting up on the balcony level of the theatre. They’d closed it off to anyone attending the gig to keep them in the downstairs section, but the stairs from backstage led up there too and no one had thought to close those down. She could see why Clarke had come up here. Despite the noise from downstairs, it was almost serene, especially when compared to the chaos of backstage where six different acts were squabbling over space, setups and running orders, every one of them on edge because they knew how important today was.

Clarke was sprawled out across a couple of seats, still wearing her stage gear of black jeans and a mesh top stage gear. She’d changed into them almost as soon as they’d got here, then said she needed to find some space to think. Now, she had a notepad resting on her thighs, and Lexa recognised the furrows on her face accompanied with frantic scratching and scribbling that indicated she was deep in the middle of writing something. Clarke’s process fascinated Lexa and over the past few months she’d seen countless crumpled sheets of paper eventually turn into the complex and powerful lyrics that dovetailed perfectly with the music they created. You could tell what stage of the process she was in by seeing the ratio of words to pictures on the page. Early drafts would feature a few words and phrases, normally dotted with gaps and punctuated with question marks, surrounded by a mass of sketches which were then gradually replaced by more and more words as the ideas took shape until she had a final art-free version to share with the rest of them.

“Hey.” Lexa said as she walked around the seats towards her. “There you are.”

“Oh, hi Lexa.” Clarke said, looking up. “Is it time?”

“We’ve got a while yet. It’s all a bit tense down there, thought I’d see if you’d found somewhere peaceful, but I can leave you to it if and find somewhere else if you want space.”

“It’s fine, the next band’s on soon and if I try writing when they’re playing I’ll probably end up borrowing their words and not realising it.”

Their position meant they could look down onto the stage below them, where roadies were dashing around to set up for the next act. There were two crowds in the space in front of the stage, a crowd of connected music fans milling around on the open floor as they waited for the next act, and an older group at tables and chairs further back. After a few months where their lives had become dominated by rehearsing interspersed with the occasional gig, Marcus had got them a slot at this showcase gig. They were sharing the bill with five other acts, but this time their main focus wasn’t the people in front of the stage, but the label execs gathered at the back. After they’d signed up with Marcus, they’d trusted in his plan for them which had kept them mostly out of the public eye as they worked to get tighter, releasing rough versions of a a handful of tracks online to build buzz, but not releasing much information beyond that. They’d all been happy to let the music lead, enjoying the anonymity while they saw people’s reactions to it. Tonight, they were putting themselves out into the wider public eye for the first time.

“How is it downstairs?” Clarke asked.

Lexa sat herself on the arm of one of the chairs across the narrow aisle from Clarke. “Anya’s decided she has to change all the strings on her bass and retune it, Raven’s checking every one of her samples and complaining about the bandwidth, and one of the event drum techs is trying to mansplain Octavia’s setup to her, and I’m worried she’s going to have snapped him like a twig before we actually get on stage.”

“Nothing unusual, then?” Clarke asked with a smile. Over the last few months together, they’d all started getting very used to each other’s foibles, especially the ways they’d deal with the stress before performing.

“Not really, but all the other acts being around is making it tense. It’s not like there’s only one contract up for grabs, but everyone’s looking at everyone else like they’re rivals and competitors. It’s not some public battle to the death.”

“If it was, we could sit back and let Octavia win it for us.”

“True.” Lexa said, looking over at Clarke’s notepad. “What are you working on?”

“I was trying something for that riff you had the other day. You know, the really heavy one that Raven reckoned was the sound of impending doom?” Clarke turned the pad around and showed her the page. “I got a name for it, and there’s something there, I just can’t work out what it is yet.”

“Can I?” Lexa asked, gesturing to the pad. Clarke nodded. ‘Commander’ was written in block letters in the centre of the page, but there were few other words on it, and what there were looked like she’d been making up anagrams. The rest of the page was sketches and jagged doodles including a face in one of the corners. A face it took a moment for Lexa to recognise before she realised it looked like her.

“Is this me?” She said, turning the pad around to point at the drawing.

“Um…kind of?” Clarke said. “I’ve drawn all you guys at some point. It started as you to remind me of the riff, then it kind of…developed.”

Lexa had seen plenty of sketches of the band on Clarke’s sheets, drawing them as they played was one of the ways she passed her time in the rehearsal room when she was resting her voice, but she was pretty sure she’d never looked like this, her hair swept back and a thick dark stripe across her eyes. “I know the raccoon thing amuses you, but I do not wear that much makeup.”

“Like I said, it developed. I started with you because it was your riff, then Commander got me thinking of war, then I got thinking about warpaint and that got me thinking how you looked when we played the other night…things happened.” Clarke said, smiling. “It’s not like I’m suggesting you go on stage like that, but waterproof eyeliner is a thing you could try sometime if you want to avoid it.”

“It was hot on stage, it was cramped, there was a light directly over my head all night, I was sweating.” Lexa said. “And it didn’t look like that.” She handed the notepad back over to Clarke as the noise from below them picked up, the crowd starting to buzz as the next act came on stage.

“Well, it’s just a riff and a word right now, so you don’t have to worry about it too much. Let’s check them out.” She got up from the seat and moved down to lean on the edge of the balcony, watching the next act begin their set. Lexa followed, standing by her. “We should go down soon.” Clarke said. “We’re on after them and Marcus will be stressing out if we’re missing for too long.”

Lexa felt a buzzing in her pocket and pulled out her phone. Sure enough, Anya was messaging them both on the group chat asking where they were. _We’re up on the balcony_ , she texted back. “You ready for this?” She asked, watching the way Clarke focused on the other band while her hands gripped the balcony rail.

“Yes, but still nervous as hell. You?” Clarke asked, looking towards her.

“The same. Lot of pressure for just a few songs. But we’re ready for this, aren’t we?” Lexa could see the intensity and determination on her face, reflecting her own need to make this happen.

“We are. Just hope they’re ready for us. What if we’re good, but they all think we’re not right for this year or whatever?” The music from below had got louder as they talked, forcing Clarke to move closer to her as they talked.

“Then they’re the idiots, not us. And we don’t need to persuade all of them, just one.”

“And I hope that one is here.” Clarke paused, looking down then right back at Lexa, her eyes as clear and blue as ever. “Whatever happens, this isn’t the end, right? These last few months with you - with everyone - they’ve been the best.”

“I know.” Lexa said. She held Clarke’s gaze and could feel their hands close together on the rail. Her other hand hovered at her side, not quite able to close the distance between them, but not ready to pull away either. She could feel the bass from below pulsing through them, bridging the small gap between her and Clarke, one that she could easily close if she wished to.

There was a creak and then a thud from behind her as a door was pushed open. “There you are.” She heard Anya say, and then Clarke was stepping away from her and she was turning around. “Time to go, they pulled our call time forward ten minutes.”

Whatever had been there a moment before had passed, and Lexa headed quickly down with the other two, letting those blue eyes drift from her thoughts as she let the music slide in.

* * *

One of her first memories of the Woods house was musical instruments. Lexa had had to battle for any chance to hear or play music in the homes and schools she’d been shuffled through up to then, but then she found she could not only experiment with any of them but she now had parents and a sister who’d help her learn them. She’d enjoyed them all, but it was when she first got her hands on a guitar that she found what she hadn’t realised what she’d been looking for. She could spend hours exploring the infinitesimal differences in the sounds she could make just by moving her fingers a tiny amount, the ways she could manipulate the strings to bring the music in her head to life, and then the sheer power and noise she could create when she got her first electric.

And with her guitar in hand, she could forget about whatever had just happened or not between her and Clarke on the balcony.

The showcase stage was bigger than she was used to. They’d been playing small clubs, cult bars and the like, where she’d normally have a little space to shuffle in before she’d collide with Clarke or Anya. This was a full-size theatre, where they had space to move and roam the stage as they played. The songs were burnt into her now, mind and muscle memory kicking in instinctively with the cues, the crowd’s noise rising with the song to crescendo and beyond as she left all her concerns behind her to just play and sing. She could hear the other four and they sound they all made together, each of them putting everything they could into the performance, burning up everything they had for their half hour. It felt like both an impossibly long time as she focused on every note and chord, but also one that passed in a blink of an eye, over in a rush as soon as it began.

Marcus was waiting backstage for them, grinning ear to ear, telling them how good they were and showing them the messages from the A&R people that were already appearing on his phone. Lexa tried to process everything that was going on, but looking round the room she could see she wasn’t alone in finding it hard to take it all in. She realised there’d been a unspoken tension shared by all of them in the days leading up to the gig, and it had blown itself away during their performance, leaving all of them spent. By the time she got her focus back, the others had all agreed to hit up the afterparty in a nearby club and she willingly followed along with them, needing a release now it was all over.

Lexa’s heart sank as they approached the club, seeing the long line waiting to get in. She slowed down, thinking they were going to have make other plans, then Anya slipped her arm through hers and led her on past the line, noticing that some of the people waiting were pulling their phones out and pointing them towards them when they saw them passing. “We’re VIPs tonight, sis.” Anya said by way of explanation as they headed straight in, Marcus shuffling them upstairs and past the velvet rope. When they reached there, Lexa spotted some of the other acts scattered around the place, a slightly quieter booth-lined balcony overlooking the busier club below.

They were guided to a booth with a “Reserved - Onecrew” sign on it and a tray of drinks already waiting for them accompanied by a “with the compliments of Polaris Records” card. As they grabbed seats and rinks, Lexa began to focus and realise they’d done what they’d come to do.

“Holy shit, look at this.” Raven said, showing them all her phone. Lexa braced herself for whatever bizarre video she’d found and decided everyone had to see, but this time it was just footage of a band performing. Then she blinked and looked properly, realising it was them performing earlier, taken by someone in the crowd.

“What’s the problem?” Lexa asked. “Copyright?”

“It’s not a problem, Woods. Look at the numbers.” Raven said, gesturing to the lower part of the screen. Even as Lexa watched, the numbers below the video were shooting up, the video getting repeatedly shared and spawning more and more comments, most of which were either demanding more or wanting to know who they were.

Other phones soon emerged and they were soon comparing reactions as it became apparent more than one person had been filming them and they were being talked about across a range of sites and apps, almost everyone wanting more.

“I was going to surprise you with the news, but I forgot how hard it was to keep Raven offline for any sort of time.” Marcus said, leaning on the end of the table at their booth. “If you haven’t worked it out, you’re just about the hottest thing on the scene right now and a lot of people are going to want a piece of you. Tonight, that means a lot of free drinks and a lot of people who’ll want to meet you.”

“That doesn’t sound like a good combination.” Lexa said.

“They’re music biz people, and they’ve seen and dealt with way way more than any of you are going to be able to manage tonight. That’s not a challenge, Raven. Have fun, be nice to anyone you talk with and don’t commit to anything. If they ask for a meeting or anything, push them to me.”

“And what are you going to do?” Octavia asked.

“Play them all off each other until I can get you the best possible deal.” Marcus said. “Tonight’s where my job really starts. You’ve all done your part, so go enjoy yourselves, I’ll give you all the details of where we are and who’s interested tomorrow.”

They didn’t need a second invitation to get started. Lexa felt all her tension float away as the fleets of free drinks kept appearing, each one accompanied by a note and sometimes even a person, from a label. Lexa started losing track of which ones had sent them and who was with what company, name after name washing over them all.

* * *

Lexa realised she had no idea what time it was or how long they’d been in the club but she knew she was feeling good. She could see Anya and Raven on the other side of the room, ostensibly trying to dance but actually spending most of their time leaning at the balcony to watch the club down below, shouting “we’re going to be stars!” at anyone who could hear them. Clarke and Octavia were sprawled in the booth with her, trying to remember everyone they’d spoken to during the night and mostly failing.

“The woman there.” Octavia said, gesturing across the room. “Black hair, heels, which was she?”

“Which one?” Clarke asked. “There’s two of them.”

“How drunk are you?” Octavia asked. “There’s just one.”

Clarke raised a hand up, covering heer eyes as she peered. “Oh, you’re right. Britta? Beth? Something like that?”

“Becca.” Lexa said. “From Polestar? Something like that.”

“Polaris.” Octavia said. “Champagne cocktails. The ones we had at the start. What? I spend most my free time working in my boyfriend’s bar, I know drinks.”

“You do.” Lexa said, “but I don’t think I can take any more tonight.”

She felt movement on the seat next to her, and turned around expecting to see Raven or Anya returned from the dancefloor. Instead, it was someone else, a slim figure in a shimmering minidress, hair all the colours of the rainbow and Lexa felt a sudden hollowness inside her, sobriety rushing back as she recognised the face, the body and then the voice.

“I knew it was you in that clip, Lex. I said you didn’t need me to be a success.” She said.

“Costia.” Lexa finally said, her mouth dry. “What the hell are you doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	14. Chapter 14

It was around the time she started seeing double that Clarke decided she might have had enough to drink for the night. After realising that the woman Octavia was pointing at didn’t have a robot double, it felt like it was time to begin working out just how to leave and also remembering where they were meant to be going when they did leave. Then someone entirely new sat down opposite her and next to Lexa.

She’d got used to strangers approaching them during that night, and even her alcohol-fuelled brain was able to remember the smile-and-say-as-little-as-possible routine as she pushed herself up into a straighter position. It was around the point her brain was realising this new person was entirely too young and overdressed to be an exec that she noticed Lexa’s reaction to her. No longer longer like the woman who was relaxed and happy to talk nonsense with her and Octavia of a few moments before, Clarke could feel the tension in her and see the face had gone white with shock. This wasn’t just some random girl from the club taking an opportunity to chance it with the newly almost-famous, this was someone Lexa knew.

“Costia. What the hell are you doing here?” Lexa said, and it took Clarke a moment to remember what that name meant to her friend, even if she’d never expected the woman who broke Lexa’s heart to look like that.

“…just had to come say hi, so I called Nia and she said Roan was here at the afterparty - that’s him there, see? - and he gave my name to the door.” Costia was saying when Clarke’s attention focused on her. “Should have told me you were going to be in town, you know?”

Lexa wasn’t saying anything in response, and Clarke could see the way she was pushing herself back and attempting to edge away from Costia, who was obliviously leaning forward towards Lexa.

“Who’s this?” Octavia asked, sitting up next to Clarke and obviously trying to get herself back into focus too.

“Lexa’s ex.” Clarke whispered back.

“Oh, shit.”

“Why - why would I do that?” Lexa finally said, each word almost spat out.

“To catch up, I had no idea you were doing this. It’s so cool.”

“You left. You had no idea because you walked out on me. On us.” Lexa’s eyes were wide, and Clarke would swear she could see a vein her temple throbbing with stress.

Costia pouted. “I had to, it was such a great offer. You could have called -”

“What. The fuck. Are you. Doing here?” Anya was standing at the edge of the booth, her face red with rage, a confused-looking Raven standing just behind her.

“Anya! I was just telling Lexa -”

“Shut up, Costia, just shut up. Do you even have an idea of how much damage you caused? How much you messed up my sister? How much of both our lives you ruined without caring? And now you’re waltzing in like a dollar store Gaga to try and mess with us again? No. Get up and get out.” Clarke had never realised how scary Anya could look, but as she watched the way she leaned over the table to glare at Costia, she made a mental note to never get on her bad side.

“I just came to talk to Lex, Anya. Calm down.”

“I don’t want you here, Costia. Please go.” Lexa was trembling a little as she spoke, her voice wavering.

“I don’t know you, but you’re obviously not welcome here.” Octavia said, pushing herself up to a standing position, and Clarke was suddenly aware of how intimidating she could be too.

Costia started to move away, carefully sliding herself out of the booth. “I’m just here to catch up with her, that’s all, you don’t decide whether I get to talk to her or not.” She stayed at the edge of the seat, not moving.

That was enough for Clarke. She got up and stepped out of the booth, moving quickly round to grab Costia’s arm and drag her to her feet. “Are you high or are you just crazy? She clearly doesn’t want to see you so just go away.”

“Who the hell are you to tell me that? Do you know who I am?”

“I know you broke my friend’s heart then decided to come crashing back in her life like a psychopath disguised as a third-rate Madonna wannabe. Do I need to know anything else?”

Before Costia could respond, someone stepped in between them, a large long-haired guy with his back to Clarke, carefully guiding Costia away then turning around to face her. Clarke recognised him as one of the label people they’d been introduced to earlier. “You need to step away from my artist, blondie.”

“If she stays away from us, I’ll gladly have nothing to do with her.” Clarke said.

Suddenly, Marcus was in front of her, making space between Clarke and the man as Anya, Raven and Octavia moved in around her. Clarke was aware that a lot of people in the club were now looking at them.

“I think we all need to back away. Roan, I think you need to get her away from here, and guys, I think we need to get you all back to the hotel.” Marcus said. The other man grunted his assent to that and shepherded Costia away, and Clarke felt herself relaxing, looking around at the others.

Feeling the need to take a seat, she turned round to the booth and saw that it was empty. Quickly looking around, she saw Raven, Octavia, Anya and Marcus there, but no one else.

“Guys, where’s Lexa?”

* * *

Clarke stumbled out of the club onto the street. The others were looking inside the club for Lexa, but some instinct had told her to come outside to the now-quiet street and look for her. It was late and dark, but the night was still warm, just a few cars on the road and not many people on the street, none of them Lexa. She felt a curious simultaneous mix of drunk and sober, all the drinks from the night still in there, but the adrenalin from the confrontation with Costia charging her and clearing her head. She was focused on Lexa, knowing that seeing Costia again would have been traumatic for her, shattering the steely exterior she normally showed.

She glanced along an alleyway as she passed it, saw nothing and moved on, but then stopped as she heard a faint noise which drew her back to it. She stopped to listen, trying to will some quiet around her until she heard it again, a muffled ragged breath and a sob. Looking again, she saw Lexa crouched down and leaning back against the wall, face buried in her hands, hair falling forward to shroud her and hide her in the shadows.

“Lexa?” She said, slowly walking closer and crouching down beside her. “It’s me, Clarke, OK?” Lexa said nothing in response, just kept herself in the same position, sobbing. Tentatively, Clarke put her arm around Lexa’s shoulders, resting back against the wall. “It’s OK, I’m here.” With her free hand she quickly texted the others - found her outside, need some space for now - then settled down next to her.

Clarke decided not to try and push Lexa into talking or moving, and so they sat like that for a while as she kept an eye on anyone passing them by to make sure they were left alone. Clarke took some long deep breaths, trying to do what she could to sober herself up.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have run off like that.” When Lexa finally spoke, her voice was soft, quiet and wavering, lacking her usual confidence.

“You don’t need to apologise, you’ve not done anything wrong. She shouldn’t have been there.”

Lexa lowered her hands and turned her head a little to look at her. “I thought I was over her, if I ever saw her again I’d just not feel anything, but then she was there and I didn’t know what to do. Then I had the chance and I just felt like I had to go.”

“I understand,” Clarke said, “Sometimes it’s a lot easier to run away from problems rather than deal with them. I know that, and I know all about crappy exes.”

Lexa gave her a weak smile and shifted a little, pressing up closer to her, nestling them together. “She’s changed. But she changed while we were together too. I don’t know what happened, but she just really wanted to be famous once we got a chance at it. And I guess that’s what she’s doing now. I just didn’t think seeing her again would hurt so much.” Clarke could feel her taking in a deep and ragged breath, like she was struggling to keep her emotions in check. She couldn’t decide if it was best that way, or if she should encourage her to let it all out.

“Relationships suck.” Clarke said.

“Absolutely, they do.” Lexa said, pushing herself to sit up straighter, but not moving Clarke’s arm from her shoulders.

“So forget about her and think about what an awesome day we had. We did an amazing show, and then got a ridiculous amount of free booze. That’s like the total rock’n’roll dream, right?”

Lexa smiled more, rogue light from the street catching the green in her eyes as she looked at Clarke. “I think there’s something about throwing a TV out of a window too.”

“That sounds like way too much effort, but you go ahead if it makes you feel better.”

“Not tonight. Definitely way too much effort.” Lexa turned around, facing towards Clarke and leaning further in towards her. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Making me feel better.” She leaned in, moving her arms around Clarke to hug her. Clarke responded, twisting a little to move away from the wall as their eyes locked together and their bodies pressed close. Instinct took over from thinking, and they fell into a kiss, lips pressing messily together. Clarke could feel the softness of Lexa’s lips against her and the warmth of their bodies as they pressed together, clinging to each other. It felt good, like something she’d been craving without realising it, and she wanted more of it but the part of her that still gripped to some piece of sober rationality was telling her to stop.  
Reluctantly and grudgingly she listened to it, pulling herself away from Lexa.

“We shouldn’t.” Clarke said, holding herself at what she could pretend was a safe distance, trying and failing to look anywhere but into deep green eyes.

“I know.” Lexa said eventually.

Clarke could feel herself breathing in, trying to calm herself and remember what normal was. “We said we wouldn’t.”

“We did. Relationships really suck.” Lexa shook her head, finally breaking their gaze as they both moved back from each other. “You’re right. We’re good?”

“Always.” Clarke said, trying not to think too much about what had happened. “Are you good?”

“I think I am.” Lexa said. “Let’s go find the others and get out of here.”

* * *

“Please tell me you’re all feeling the same way I am.” Clarke asked. “Because you all look disgustingly normal. And where’s Lexa?”

“She went off to talk with Marcus about last night.” Anya said. “And we’ve all just drunk more coffee than you, that’s all.”

Clarke took a seat at the large round table the rest of the band were seated at. They were in a diner that adjoined the hotel they’d stayed in, something she’d entirely failed to notice existed until Raven had woken her that morning. Like Clarke, Octavia and Anya had just large cups of coffee and glasses of water in front of them, while Raven was currently attempting to demolish what looked like a small mountain of bacon.

“I feel fine.” Raven said, in between mouthfuls of food.

“That’s because you’re probably still drunk.” Octavia said. “It’ll catch up with you eventually.”

“Not if I keep eating. It’ll confuse my body and bypass the hangover. Trust me, it works.”

Octavia was fishing around in the pockets of her jacket and finally pulled out a pair of sunglasses, slipping them on. “Oh god, that feels so much better. Now I know why real rock stars always wear them inside.”

Clarke smiled as the other three chatted, trying to ignore the nerves in her stomach as she noticed the two empty seats at the table. She wondered just what part of last night she was talking to Marcus about. Anya obviously thought it was about what had happened in the club when Costia had turned up, but that was secondary in Clarke’s thoughts to what had happened outside the club after that. Most of the night was a blur in her memory, but when she’d woken up her first thought had been about how it had felt to kiss Lexa. It had been drunken and messy with both of them flying on adrenalin and emotion, but it had felt so good. Looking at each other afterwards had felt like the one calm point in a maelstrom of a day and she wondered how Lexa felt about it all the morning after, or if she even remembered what had happened. Then she worried that Lexa was right now telling Marcus what had happened and why it meant one of them had to leave the band for breaking their rule.

“Earth to space station Griffin. Anyone there?” Raven’s voice brought her out of her thoughts.

“Sorry, miles away. What was that?”

“How was Lexa when you found her?” Anya asked. “She didn’t want to talk about it, but she seemeed better when you guys got back.”

“Oh, she was just a bit in shock, I think. She really hadn’t expected to see Costia and it messed her up a bit.” Clarke said, sticking as close to the truth as she could.

“She just needed space, to get away from her. We talked for a while and then she felt better.”

“I cannot believe Costia did that.” Anya said. “She didn’t care about what she did to Lexa.”

“Did she really just disappear on you?” Octavia asked. “No warning?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” Anya said. “I mean, things had felt a bit weird to me for a few weeks, but I thought that was just me being the overprotective big sister, right? Lexa insisted everything was fine, and so I thought I was just overthinking it. When she disappeared, it ompletely blindsided both of us.”

“This might be a bit crass.” Raven said, shooting Clarke a look before she could say anything. “And we all have different tastes, whatever, but she really didn’t look like Lexa’s type, you know? All that fake tan pop princess stuff.”

“Oh, she wasn’t like that back then. A bit high maintenance sometimes, but not whatever she was trying to be last night.”

“You called her a dollar store Gaga.” Octavia said. “That was funny.”

“It took me a minute to recognise her like that, and that was my first thought before I knew who it was. But I hope for Lexa’s sake we don’t see her again.” Anya said. “Now talk about something else, they’re coming back.”

Clarke glanced over and saw Lexa and Marcus walking through the diner and her stomach churned with nerves again. Lexa seemed to be putting in her best effort to avoid looking at any of them as they took their seats.

“Are you OK?” Clarke asked as Lexa took the seat beside her. Lexa just nodded and said nothing.

“Right, about last night.” Marcus said. “I wanted to talk to Lexa to make sure I knew what happened, and from what I’ve heard it was some pretty shocking and inconsiderate behaviour from Costia. You guys did nothing wrong, OK?”

Clarke felt herself relax.

“The good news is I’ve got five labels definitely interested in signing you up. The bad news is that one of those is Ice Nation, and when I spoke to Roan about what happened, he refused to apologise, get Costia to apologise or even admit they’d done anything wrong. So, you’ve only got four labels interested because I told him to stick his offer where the sun doesn’t shine. If that’s the way he works, then that’s not a label you want to be with.” He paused, looking round the table at them. “Four labels is still a lot to choose from. And they’re all eager.”

“I think we’re all in shock.” Raven said. “Four labels? Interested in us?”

“We’re not in trouble?” Clarke asked.

“Costia was an asshole, you all stood up for Lexa, why would you be in trouble? And you’d have to do a lot more than whatever happened for it to register as trouble. Relax, enjoy your breakfast. Even if you wre in trouble, it’s my job to fight your corner. I’m your manager, not your boss.”

“So who are the other four?” Anya asked.

“Let’s see, there’s Polaris, and Becca sounded really keen last night, so I think I’ll be…”

Clarke let the rest of the conversation wash over her, knowing she could catch up with the details better when her head wasn’t throbbing so badly. She looked over at Lexa and gave her a smile, resisting the urge to reach over and grab her hand, still unsure where they were after the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Points at the sign saying "slow burn" before you start complaining*
> 
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hit 200 kudos! Thank you all for still reading and supporting me, and for all the comments. I'm trying to respond to them all, but apologies if I missed any.  
> This chapter's a little shorter than other recent ones have been, but it came to a natural break.

_We shouldn’t_.

When Lexa thought over what had happened that night, she kept coming back to what Clarke had said when she broke the kiss. Not _I’m not_ , _I don’t_ , or even _we can’t_ , just that they _shouldn’t_ do it. It had been a mistake to kiss Clarke, or let Clarke kiss her, or whatever order it had happened in, Lexa knew that much. Being drunk and running away from an ex was never going to put Lexa in a place where she’d make the best decisions and giving in to whatever she and Clarke had between them had not been one of her better ideas. It had happened, though, and it hadn’t been a disaster that had torn everything down around them. It was just something that shouldn’t happen again, and Lexa tried not to obsess over it too much. Just like she tried not to spend too much time obsessing on the difference between shouldn’t and can’t Just like she tried not to think about how, whoever had started it, Clarke had definitely been kissing her, not just letting herself be kissed.

Whatever the kiss had or hadn’t been for her and Clarke, it had been the cure for her and Costia Lexa hadn’t realised she’d needed. When Marcus had asked her what had gone down at the club the night before, her first thought hadn’t been for the scene her ex had created, and the when she’d talked to him about it, the emotions it had caused in her at the time didn’t come flooding back. She knew she’d been bottling up her feelings over the months since Costia had left, and seeing her had released them all in an overwhelming flow that she’d wanted nothing more than to run away from. Telling it all the morning after, though, she didn’t feel any of the panic or confusion she’d felt the night before and her feelings were more of concern for her friends and the stress she’d put them under by running off.

Lexa realised that bottling up everything about Costia had caused her overreaction the night before and so she decided to indulge her curiosity this time, and not just shove every thought of Costia to the back of her mind. Costia’s new image had surprised her, and it didn’t make much searching through the Ice Nation website to get an idea of what was going on. There was a story going on behind the press releases and snippets she read, a clear line from their initial announcement of signing up a young singer-songwriter to the pansexual pop princess they were now marketing her as. The pictures followed the same path, going from a very earnest black-and-white one where she posed with a guitar - one Lexa knew she could barely play despite hours of teaching her - to elaborately staged bright and colourful shots that highlighted the rainbow hair she’d been showing off at the club. It wasn’t something Lexa would have predicted for Costia, but now she saw it, it made sense to her. Costia had always been the one of the trio encourage them to take on whatever suggestion she’d heard that might help them get bigger or get their big break, and if the label needed her to be like that, she’d have gone along with it to get fame.

What she noticed, though, was that looking up Costia was only about her curiosity. She was filling that gap in her knowledge from when Costia had walked out and left her, but it wasn’t causing the pangs of emotional pain she thought it would. She didn’t feel regret at any of the choices Costia had made and there was no wishing she’d bene there with her to help her make different decisions. Good or bad, they weren’t decisions she felt she she’d missed out on. Lexa hadn’t understood it until now, but their lives had taken separate paths since then, and now Costia was just someone she could watch from afar, their time together a memory.

Now all she had to do was put her kiss with Clarke into the same category.

* * *

One thing she did learn from her encounter with Costia was that her bandmates - her friends - had her back. They didn’t just stand up for her on the night, in the days after they were all checking on her and making sure she was all right. Anya was the protective and supportive big sister she’d always been, continuing to resist the urge to say _I told you so_ about Costia; Raven kept her sentiment buried under snark, but deployed it expertly to defuse any tension; and Octavia encouraged her to burn off any anger she had through making huge amounts of noise together. As for Clarke, she was as supportive and friendly as normal, but after a couple of days it became clear to Lexa that neither of them was going to be the first to bring up what happened between them, and so both of them avoided mentioning it, leaving it as the buried elephant in the room.

The buzz they’d generated from the showcase gig meant that after a day to recover they were working even harder after than they had been before it. Marcus was playing the four labels off each other whilst also dealing with a number of bookers who wanted them for gigs, and all of them found they now had fans tracking down every social media account each of them had. Lexa found herself ignoring most of the requests for new friends and followers she got, but watched over them, and the crowd at the gigs they played just to give herself some warning if Costia decided to show up again. She didn’t, but there were always people there wanting to see them after every show, journalists and bloggers wanting interviews, and increasingly senior people from the different labels checking them out.

Marcus was managing an elaborate dance where he tried to ensure there were at least two companies seeing them every night, stoking the rivalry between them and boosting the offers that were coming their way. After a few nights of that, the offers started to solidify, and Lexa found herself spending more and more time looking at documents with eye-watering amounts of money mentioned in them. She watched as Clarke, Anya and Raven’s eyes all glazed over as they talked through the different offers, each of them happy to let her and Octavia take the lead on this for them, Lexa’s college law courses and Octavia’s time running the bar and a gym coming into play. Eventually it came down to the three of them sitting around a paper-strewn table in one of the cramped hotel rooms they were staying in.

“This is the one, isn’t it?” Lexa said, tapping one of the four bundles of paper.

Marcus and Octavia nodded. “I’ll get the others.” Marcus said, going off to find the other three who’d wandered off as the others got heavily into discussing the contracts, eventually gathering them, bringing them all together.

“Hold on.” Anya said as they walked in. “I’m not going to have to sit through a presentation by you, am I Lexa? Because you promised me never again at your graduation.”

“It’s just a couple of dozen slides.” Lexa said, reaching for Marcus’s laptop, then stopping and smiling at her sister whose face had filled with fear. “Kidding.”

Anya grinned and gave an exaggerated dramatic sigh of relief. “Lexa used to use me as her guinea pig for presentations when she was in college and we were sharing an apartment. Let’s just say that she’s not so compelling to watch when she doesn’t have a guitar in her hand.”

“So, any of them any good?” Raven asked. “Has Marcus earned his ten percent?”

“Financially, they’re all good.” Octavia said. “Advances, signing bonuses, royalty rates, merchandising, everything. It’s not go out and buy ourselves a mansion money, but it’s seriously good.”

“That said, we think the best offer is the one with the least cash up front, the one from Polaris. There’s a lot of things in the other offers where we’d be giving up control over a lot of things, Polaris give us a lot more freedom, especially artistically.” Lexa said.

“So we’re not going to be rich?” Raven asked, pouting dramatically.

Octavia shuffled through the papers she’d been making notes on and pushed one of them over the table to Raven. “That’s the signing bonus.”

“That’s not much divided by-” Raven began.

“Each.” Octavia said.

Clarke and Anya both leaned over to look. “Seriously?” Anya asked. Octavia, Lexa and Marcus all nodded. “Wow. I’m in.”

“And definitely the most freedom?” Clarke asked. “You know I don’t like pulling out my experience, but there were times when I’d put a lot of work into a song and then had the label say you can’t put it out there because they decided it didn’t fit our image.”

“We’re not completely free to do whatever we want, no label’s going to give us that.” Lexa said. “But Polaris have the least amount of things they can block or veto us for.”

Clarke nodded. ”And no morality clauses or anything like that?”

“Morality clauses?” Raven asked. “Did we time travel back to the 1950s without me noticing?”

“No time travel, but some labels put them in if they want a squeaky clean public image, or if there’s a history of bad behaviour. There’s nothing like that in this.”

Marcus said. “There’s some standard stuff in there about what might happen if you do something really bad, like if one or more of you commits a serious felony, so lay off any bank robberies you’re planning.”

“Should I be flattered or worried that you looked directly at me when you mentioned bank robberies?” Raven asked, laughing.

“Only be worried if you’re actually planning one.” Marcus said.

“Well, if I was - and I’m not confessing to anything - I don’t have to now.” Raven said. “And definitely want all the freedom to record whatever we want. Who was their A&R guy?”

“Becca, wasn’t it?” Clarke asked. “She seemed genuine. But they were pretty much all nice to us.”

“She’s head of the label, not just A&R.” Marcus said. “They’re new, but growing fast and she’s pretty hands on because it’s not a big team there yet. They’re a good match for you guys, but we’ll have proper meetings with her before you sign so you can be sure. It’s my job to advise you, not decide for you, but I think this deal is the best one for you. You can go for one of the others, and you’ll get more up front, and for a lot of bands that makes sense - get what you can while you can, and then you’ve at least got something if you burn out quickly.”

“There’s more risk with Polaris, but if we do stick it out for the long haul, the rewards are much bigger. Plus, they don’t have a massive roster of artists yet, so we wouldn’t get lost in the crowd.” Octavia said. “We’re up for taking a risk, aren’t we?”

“We’re all cool with this?” Lexa asked, looking around at them all. “Because this is a big step. There’ll be a lot more people working for us and relying on us when we sign.” There was a pause and quiet for a moment as they all looked to each other, checking each other for doubts and reservations.

“We’re cool.” Clarke finally said. “And guys, you know we love you for doing all this, don’t you?” She smiled at Lexa, happy and relaxed in a way that took Lexa’s breath away for a moment even as her head thought of all the reasons why signing a contract might turn _we shouldn’t_ into _we can’t_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying not be too descriptive about what their music sounds like. First, because it's damn hard to describe non-existent music, and second, because I want to give you the chance to imagine it for yourselves. However, if you do want to see what sort of things I listen to while I write, I'm sharing a few songs from my playlist on Tumblr:  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene came out longer than I planned, which is kind of my motto for the story as a whole really. Thank you all for the comments and kudos, it's good to know I'm entertaining you still.

“Again.” The voice in her headphones said.

Lexa sighed and shifted her shoulders to move the guitar strap, repositioning as she tried to work some of the tension out of her before playing the riff one more time, hitting the strings just as she had at least a dozen times that afternoon, the pattern of them burned into her mind even more than they already had been. Finishing off, she looked around the grey studio, instruments and cables scattered over the space she currently stood alone in. She studiously avoided looking at the window, trying to keep herself calm, hoping that was the last take.

“Again.”

“Just that. Just ‘again’. What the hell do you think I’m doing wrong?”

“Again. It needs more.”

“More what? Power, sustain, distortion, notes, chords, blood?”

“Again. More everything.”

She was beginning to understand why rock stars liked to smash guitars up, it felt like the only way she was going to get out of this soundproof cage. She gritted her teeth, played it again, this time trying to channel her anger out through her fingers and into the guitar, letting the noise take it away. Instead, she just fluffed the chord progression she was meant to be playing and stopped the whole take.

“Ag-”

“Do not say ‘again’. Do not say ‘more’. Give me some proper feedback, some explanation of what you want and what you’re doing or I’m not playing another damn note, Titus.”

There was silence in her headphones.

“Fine.” She said, pulling them off and dropping them to the floor before walking out of the studio.

* * *

Polaris had gone big on the production of their first album. They’d booked a residential studio and then found them a big name producer, Titus, who’d worked on several hit albums over the past few years. Only a few weeks after signing the contract, they’d decamped to the studio and eagerly dived into the task of properly recording the songs they’d been working on since they got together.

Near the end of their second week in the studio, Lexa was starting to wonder if they’d all made a big mistake. Her session today hadn’t been out of the ordinary. After a couple of days of them all working and playing together, Titus had declared he needed to record them separately, and each of them was experiencing the same thing. He’d tell them what part to play, then make them redo it again and again, never explaining whatever plan he was working on, just expecting them to do whatever he thought best. There was no feedback or communication with any of them, and attempts to find out more from him about his plans had been rebuffed, no matter which of them tried it. Tempers were frayed and so far none of them had heard anything even approaching a complete track, let alone the whole album they were meant to be creating. The studio itself was down in the heart of the modernist building they were based in, dug into the side of a hill in the middle of nowhere, and after Octavia had declared that one of her early sessions had felt like being trapped in a nuclear bunker, the name had stuck.

Lexa stormed up the stairs from the Bunker and then stomped angrily down the corridor until she found her room, crashing face first on the bed to shout her frustration out into the pillow, lying there until she started to feel calmer. Just as she was starting to relax and feel the tension start to fade, there was a knock on her door.

“Who is it?” She asked, for a moment thinking that Titus might have sent one of the acolytes who surrounded him in the control room to apologise.

“It’s me, Lex.” Clarke’s voice came through the door. “I heard you going past my door, it didn’t sound good. I wanted to check you’re all right, but I’ll go if you need some space.”

“No, come in.” Lexa said, rolling onto her back, then pushing herself up to sit on the bed as Clarke walked in. “I need to see a friendly face.”

“How many times was it today?” Clarke asked, sitting in the armchair at the foot of Lexa’s bed.

“Fifteen, I think. I lost count. And I walked out.”

“Really?” Clarke asked, wide-eyed. “I was close to that earlier, but he eventually said ‘fine’.”

“How many times?” Lexa asked.

“About twenty. The chorus of Blood, though.”

“Ow.” Lexa winced, remembering how much Clarke’s voice had to range over that song.. “This isn’t normal, is it?”

“It’s not, and it sucks. I mean, I’ve been in crappy studio sessions before, but we always had an idea what was happening, even if the producer was terrible. And we’ve heard the other things he’s produced, we know he’s good, but I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this for.” Clarke said. Lexa could see how tired she looked, reflecting just how she felt too.

“We should get the others together, talk to Marcus, maybe the label.”

“And they’ll say we agreed to him, he’s the genius, we have to let him work.”

Lexa sighed. Clarke was right, but it felt unjust. What they were doing was something new, and it felt wrong to her that someone stuck in doing things the old way was trying to prevent them from developing their own sound. “If he’d actually let us hear what he’s putting together, I might have some more confidence in his methods.”

“I did try and go in the control room earlier, when Anya was playing, just to hear what it sounded like. When he saw me there, he told me to get out, said if he could he’d shoot anyone who came into there without his permission.”

“What?” Lexa sat up straighter, stung by the idea of someone threatening Clarke like that. “He really said that? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.” Clarke said, laughing it away. “This business is full of asshole men threatening things they’d never actually be able to do. I think his ego’s still bruised from when he let Raven in to watch near the start.”

Lexa remembered Raven’s cheeky grin as she walked back into the studio and her I only asked if he meant to have that channel shut off as they’d all heard him grumbling and complaining through the talkback. That felt like the last time they’d actually enjoyed themselves in the studio since they’d checked in to the complex. “What are we going to do about it?”

She watched Clarke’s face scrunch up as she thought for a moment, another one of those unconscious things she did that Lexa found hard to stop thinking about. “We’re going to forget about it. Do something else that’s completely not music tonight.”

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked.

“Movie night. Did you know this place has a screening room?”

* * *

Lexa remembered seeing a list of facilities at the complex shared around when Polaris had told them where they were going to be recording the album, but she’d been so overwhelmed with everything that was going on around that half of them hadn’t properly registered with her and stuck in her memory. The screening room itself wasn’t quite the large private cinema the name implied, but it did have a screen that took up most of one of the wall and a scattering of couches and comfortable chairs facing it, making it much more luxurious than the battered couch and TV in her apartment.

“I found it the other day.” Clarke said. “There’s a lot in this place, I guess we’ve all been focusing too much on working to unwind and make use of it all. Except O and the gym, obviously.” She picked up a tablet from a table, swiping it to turn it on. “This has all the controls on it, and a whole load of streaming services to choose from, so find us something to watch while I get popcorn.”

“Popcorn? What?” Lexa asked, as Clarke opened a door in the side of the room and went through. Lexa followed her, pausing in the doorway as the lights flickered on, revealing a small kitchen area.

“Only microwave popcorn, but that’ll do. There’s other snacks in there, and drinks in that fridge.” Clarke said, pointing around the room.

“Are we allowed?” Lexa asked. “Isn’t this someone’s stuff?”

“Yes, we’re allowed. It’s ours, the studio staff keep it all topped up. It’s the rock star lifestyle, we should take advantage of it while we can.” Clarke smiled at her. “And we probably end up paying for it in the end, anyway.”

Lexa hadn’t eaten for a while, and soon a large of popcorn was surrounded by a host of other snacks, lodged between them as they took up seats on opposite sides of the large couch in the middle of the room. Lexa started off a movie and soon found herself relaxing, letting herself forget the stresses of the studio and just relax for once.

“No! Don’t leave your phone there! Take it with you, idiot!” Clarke called out at the screen, then turned to look at Lexa. “Sorry, heckling’s a bad habit, right?”

“Only in public.” Lexa said. “When it’s just us here, I don’t mind.”

“You sure? I’ll shut up if you tell me to.”

Lexa raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

“OK, I’ll try to but - oh come on, let them know where you’re going, don’t be vague now!” She grinned sheepishly as she looked at Lexa. “Sorry. Honestly, I’ll stop if you want me to”

“It’s OK, I was thinking the same thing. If these people actually talked to each other, this would all be a lot simpler. We can put something else on if you want.”

“This is fine. I’m in the right mindset to watch something that’s actually good. Movie night’s more fun if it’s interactive, right?”

“I don’t think it can make this film any worse.” Lexa said. “I don’t think it’s the one I was thinking of when I picked it.”

“We can do our best to improve it, then. Ever been to a Rocky Horror late show? You know, where they have the movie on and everyone dresses up and shouts back at the characters?”

“No. Have you?”

“Just once, but it was so much fun.” Clarke said. “Like discovering my natural environment. It was a couple of years ago, we’d done a gig at a college - we did a lot of those - and had the usual hanging out with fans after. Finn was drinking with a couple of frat boy guys who thought he was like a god.” Clarke rolled her eyes as she said that, Lexa noticed. “I was chatting with a couple of girls who turned out to be those guys’ girlfriends, and they’d had this agreement with their guys that they’d do the gig then go do the midnight movie thing after.”

“And the guys decided not to?” Lexa asked.

“You got it. So the girls asked if I wanted to go with them, and I didn’t feel like sitting around till the small hours watching his ego grow, so I said yes and it was really fun. Probably should have been a sign when that was the best memory I had of that tour, though.”

“So it was good?” Lexa asked.

“It was great. I mean, me and Raven watched that film a bunch of times in high school, so I knew it, but it was just fun to be part of the crowd for it Not having everyone looking at me. Kind of made me wish I’d gone to college, you know? I could have just hung out with people and had fun like that.”  
Lexa grinned. “You’d have had to do some work as well.”

“Sure. But I hear you and Raven and others talk about it, and I wonder if I missed out. I did think about going, actually, it was one of the options for getting out of my lying around at home feeling sorry for myself period.”

“Where were you going to go?” Lexa asked, curious.

“Oh, I never got that far. Looked at a bunch of websites, but nothing more than that. Maybe if Raven hadn’t dragged me to the bar that night I’d have finally done more.”

“Well, I’m glad she did. But if you and Raven hadn’t come along, I would have likely ended up going to law school, and I bet we’d probably have ended up in the

same place.”

“Really?” Clarke asked. “Why do you think that?”

 _Because I really don’t want to imagine my life without you in it_ , Lexa thought. “Because fate does silly things like that, and it wouldn’t be fair on everyone else if these songs never got to exist.”

She’d completely failed to pay attention to the movie while they talked, and had shifted herself around on the couch just as Clarke had done the same to face each other better. She wondered what might have happened if she and Clarke had met under different circumstances, how they might have connected and explored some of their feelings if they hadn’t erected a commitment to the band directly between them.

“Maybe…” Clarke began. “No, we’re not talking about that tonight, are we?”

“We’re not.” Lexa said. “Just two friends hanging out and not watching a movie.”

Clarke smiled, blue eyes flickering in the light from the screen, looking at Lexa and not saying anything, her forehead furrowed in thought.

“Would you-” she began, but whatever she was going to say was interrupted by the sound of the door opening.

“There you two are.” Octavia said. “They’re in here!” She called out down the corridor.

“What’s going on?” Lexa asked.

“Band meeting, Now.” Octavia said. “Raven’s found something.” As she walked into the screening room, Anya came in after her, leading Raven alongside her. Raven’s attention was focused on a laptop perched on one arm, and Anya had clearly taken it upon herself to stop her from crashing into things. Lexa looked at Clarke and mouthed _what’s going on_ , getting a _no idea_ and a shrug in response.

“Rae, what’s happening?” Clarke asked as the other three found seats around them, Raven focused on the screen she was carrying, tapping a few keys before she carefully placed it down on another chair.

“OK.” Raven said. “Before we get into this, I just want to check we’re on the same page as you two. Sorry to disturb whatever this is, but Titus - you both can’t stand him too, right?”

“Yes, that’s right.” Lexa said. “And we came in here to watch a movie and try to forget about him for a night.” That reminded her the film was still playing, and she picked up the tablet to pause it.

“Oh, that’s what you’re doing. Right.” Raven said, giving her a curious look. “Sorry to interrupt, but I think what I’ve found means we have to find a way to get rid of him. And definitely before he threatens to shoot me again.”

“You too?” Clarke said.

“Oh yes. We should start a club, and I bet we’re not the first. Back to the point, he might be a producing genius, and he might have a bunch of acolytes blowing smoke up his ass all day, but guess what none of them have a clue about?” She paused, looking round at them. “All right,I’ll tell you. The answer is network security. And guess who is an expert on that?”

“You?” Lexa said.

“Exactly. And who got bored earlier today and discovered that not only is everything in this place all on the same network, that network is riddled with holes? That would be me, again.”

“So you can hack the network, and while that doesn’t surprise me, what does that have to do with Titus?” Clarke asked.

“Because everything he does is digital, and all of that is saved in the control room, which is part of the network, which is now open to me, which means we can hear everything he’s done, which includes a folder called ‘final mixes for Polaris’. You see?” She took a deep breath.

“We already heard some.” Anya said. “That’s why we came to find you two.”

“What’s up with it?” Lexa asked.

“Just listen to it.” Octavia said. “Play it, Raven.”

Raven tapped a couple of keys and music started playing from the laptop. Lexa closed her eyes as she listened, recognising the song and realising it was them playing it. She could hear her guitar, recognised the sound of it, then Clarke’s voice and the others, but all of it off kilter and wrong. The production had stripped the life from the song, hollowed it out and taken away the spirit they played it with. Everything that made up the song was there, but none of it clung together, the whole much less than the sum of its parts. She didn’t say anything as it faded out, wondering if it was just that one but the next was just the same, and the one after that, all of them stripped and soulless.

“What has he done?” Clarke asked. “We don’t sound like that.”

“We don’t, but I went through other acts he’s produced. That’s his sound, and it works for most of them, works really well, but it’s not us.” Raven said.

“And if he won’t listen to what we have to say, he won’t change.” Lexa said.

“Exactly. I mean, I tried, I genuinely did, several times, but I think as far as he’s concerned we’re a bunch of rookies who don’t know what we’re doing. It’s all too different to what he’s used to, so he’s trying to put us in a box he knows.” Raven said.

“If these are final versions, he should have let us hear them by now too.” Anya said. “But what do we want to do about it?”

Lexa knew the answer, it had been growing in her since she finished listening. “We need to see Becca ASAP. Tomorrow, if we can, either get her here or go to see her. Remember the times we met her before we signed? She was talking about how she loved our energy, the power of the music, all that Titus has stripped out of it. We go straight to the top and get it sorted out.”

“And she’ll ask what we want to do instead.” Octavia said. “Who’ll replace him? Polaris are paying a lot for us to be here, she won’t want us sitting around doing nothing.”

Lexa smiled. “Don’t worry, I have an idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't need any new ideas, but now I find the characters suggesting AUs for their own story...  
> And before anyone gets worried, there aren't going to be any guns or shootings in this story. (It's me being meta, not foreshadowing)  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, here we go - thanks for the comments and kudos, they keep me going. Hopefully, there'll be another chapter up before Christmas happens, then not sure if I'll get any more in before the New Year. If the weather's terrible and I'm stuck inside then I might, but if I end up able to do something, then I won't. We shall see, but don't worry, I'm in this for the duration, however long it might take. 
> 
> But if I don't get any updates in for the next couple of weeks, merry Christmas, happy holidays, happy new year, good solstice, have a wonderful Saturnalia or whatever else you might be doing at this time of year. Thank you for sticking with me and reading this, and let's all hope for a good 2021.

It was a long day waiting for Becca to arrive. After Lexa had outlined her ideas to them and they’d talked it through, the five of them had called Marcus late at night to explain what they needed. He’d listened, questioned them on some of the things they raised, but agreed with them when they’d gone through it in detail and let him hear Titus’s versions of their songs.

For Clarke, the day was reflecting her mood. She’d woken up to a view of heavy grey skies which had brought a succession of heavy showers throughout the day, always feeling like they were just about to break into a full storm but never quite making it. Marcus had managed to speak to Becca early that morning and she’d cleared her diary to come see them late in the afternoon, but in the fallout of whatever he’d said to her, none of Titus and his acolytes had turned up at the studio that morning leaving them all at a nervous loose end. They’d talked through everything last night and knew what they were going to say to her and what they were going to request when she got there, but until then there was nothing much for any of them to do.

Almost all of their equipment was still down in the studio and none of them fancied going down there to play and rehearse, even if Titus wasn’t there to shout at them. Each of them had gone off to do their own thing, sensing each other’s stress and nervousness. What had seemed simple and logical in the rush of last night now had a halo of doubts and complications to do it as they’d all realised the risk that came with it. They were assuming Titus was following his own agenda with the tracks he’d produced, but if he was just following the label’s instructions about how they should sound, then they’d be in for a much bigger fight than they’d planned for.

She needed a distraction, and she thought about finding Lexa and suggesting they continue their movie night to waste away the day together, but she stopped herself when she remembered how it had felt the night before. As they’d talked, Clarke had felt all the barriers they’d erected between them fall away. The thought of what might have happened if she and Lexa had met under different circumstances had tugged at her daydream thoughts more than once and last night it felt that Lexa had been thinking along similar lines. Without all the pressure going on around them, maybe they could have explored the connection between them and seen if it had the potential to be something or if it was just a spark that wouldn’t lead to a flame.

Clarke liked Lexa, and there was no point denying that she was attracted to her, but she’d had similar feelings towards Finn when she’d joined the Delinquents. It had been easy to slip into a relationship with him, and then felt near-impossible to get out of it when it rotted away and poisoned everything else around them. Onecrew and their music felt more important to her than the Delinquents ever had, and she didn’t trust herself to not destroy it by pursuing whatever she might have with Lexa. She’d never seriously doubted that she was bisexual, even if she wasn’t out, but she’d never had a relationship with a woman before, and staking everything they had on something she didn’t even know she could do was too much of a risk, no matter what her heart might want.

She’d seen both sides of Lexa the night before, and it still surprised Clarke at how quickly she could switch between them. When it had been just the two of them, she’d been casual, relaxed and open, even vulnerable at times, but as soon as a crisis came up that needed her attention, she was in control and focused, taking command of the situation. They’d never made a formal decision as a group, but they’d naturally found themselves letting her take the lead, and along with Octavia’s input on the finances it had worked out well. It was good to see that public, stern face of Lexa and be reassured they were on the same side, but Clarke wondered how many people got to see the relaxed and casual side of her too.

Thinking about Lexa was a distraction from the wait, but it wasn’t the one Clarke needed to keep herself calm that day as she waited. Any time she looked out the window and thought about taking a walk to clear her head another shower of rain swept in, and neither TV or reading occupied her mind in the way she wanted. For a time she grabbed a notepad and tried to sketch something, but all that came out was a sea of jagged lines and nothing she wanted to carry on with. Finally, she realised she had to do something to break herself out of her thoughts. She searched through the clothes she’d brought with her, found something that looked passable enough as workout gear and headed to the gym.

There was no one else using it when she got there, and the room looked pristine which made her wonder how much anyone used it while they were in the studio. The whole place was a lot more high class than anywhere she’d recorded with the Delinquents, and she wished she’d been more relaxed over the last couple of weeks to properly enjoy the experience. Part of her still thought this was a one off, and they’d soon be back to the lower end of studio space, trying to cram as much as possible into a few days and hoping it would be good enough.

“Focus, Griffin.” She told herself, watching in the mirror as she stretched. “You’re here to forget all that.” Her attitude had always been that being on stage was all the exercise she’d need so she wasn’t quite sure on what she should be doing in there, but trying to work out the purpose and function of the various weight and cardio machines got her mind away from worrying and soon she was sweating as she got into the rhythm of a rudimentary workout.

She was getting more focused on it when Octavia entered the room carrying a bag and wearing gear that looked much more co-ordinated and regularly used than Clarke’s. Clarke waved from the bike she was riding, then returned back to trying to make some sense of the numbers on the screen as she pedaled, then giving up as she slowed down to get her breath back.

“Hey.” Octavia said, walking over to her. “I really thought it would be Anya or Lexa I saw in here first.”

“This is my first time in a gym since I was at school, I think, so I’d have guessed the same.” Clarke said, realising the idea of Lexa in workout gear was now lodged in her mind which was an interesting image to have there, if not one that was useful for her at that moment. “Needed a distraction while we’re waiting.”

“Same. I’ve usually been down here in the evenings, but today…” She shrugged. “I don’t want to break your rhythm if you’re doing a routine, though.”

Clarke laughed. “I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m definitely not in a routine!”

“That’s cool. If you ever want anything like that, just ask. Free of charge to anyone in the band.”

“I might take you up on that sometime. This actually started feeling kind of good once it stopped feeling awkward.”

“If you’re up for more, there’s something else we could do, if you want something different.”

“Why not?” Clarke said.

A few minutes later, Clarke was wondering whether agreeing without asking for details was a good idea. They’d moved into the gym’s open space, a soft floor surrounded my mirrors where Clarke had stretched earlier, and now they were facing each other. Clarke was holding up her hands, each of them now in a glove attached to a thick round pad while Octavia was crouched in a fighting stance opposite her, alternating light punches to the pads as Clarke moved gingerly around her.

“So this is what you and Lincoln do for fun?”

Part of Octavia’s mouth curled in a smile. “It’s one thing we do. And it’s how we met. He started coming to the gym I train at, we got talking after training together one day and here we are now.”

“And that’s why I didn’t see you for so long? What’s Bellamy’s problem with him?”

Octavia grimaced, punching slightly harder. “To start with, he has a problem remembering that I’m not a child anymore. Mainly it’s because he decided Lincoln was bad for me and couldn’t be trusted.”

“Because he’s older than you?”

“Some of that, but before I met him, Lincoln was into bodybuilding and while he was doing that he had a group of friends who did steroids. But, he quit that, switched gyms and that’s where we met. He’s completely clean now, but I told Bell and he completely overreacted, decided he was an addict I shouldn’t be around, and now here we are.” She punctuated her words with a flurry of punches, each landing perfectly in the heart of the pads.

“Do you talk at all?”

“We don’t talk, but I text him to let him know what’s happening, and occasionally he replies. I got a whole congratulations two days after I told him we’d signed a contract.” She swung her gloved fist across, landing solidly in the middle of the pad, landing hard enough to make Clarke let out an involuntary gasp. “Sorry, I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“No, it’s fine. Just harder than I expected.” Clarke said.

“Thanks for doing this. It’s much better training when I’m moving.”

“I’m kind of enjoying it, definitely better than clock-watching till the meeting.” Clarke said. “But next time I want to try it the other way around.”

* * *

“I’ll be honest.” Becca said. “This is not a problem I was expecting to have with you. I’m used to artistic differences, I’m used to disagreements. What I’m not used to bands two weeks into their first - very expensive - recording session telling me they want to sack their producer, and then to also have the same producer rant at me for about two hours this morning about why he can’t work with - I think ‘crazy hacker girl’ was the most repeatable of the things he said about you.”

“Sorry you had to experience that.” Raven said, and Clarke had known her long enough to know from her body language she was suppressing a massive smirk as she spoke. “But also not sorry for doing it.”

They were in what the studio called a boardroom, which had turned out to mean a space with a oval table that was just slightly too big in the middle of it and uncomfortable chairs squeezed in around the sides. The band had clustered around one end of the table when Becca had taken a seat at the other, with Marcus sitting partway between the two forces.

“Look, I get that he’s a dick, hard to work with and all that, but he’s also produced a truck full of hits and has a huge part of the music media thinking he’s a genius. You’re five women with mostly no track record in a business where it doesn’t take many idiots claiming you’re ‘difficult to work with’ to destroy your reputation, no matter what you’ve done.” Lexa started to say something but Becca held up her hand to stop her. “I’m on your side. Bands and producers not getting on is a risk of the business and I’m going to back you up and tell him he’s done. I’ve already got my press team working on putting out any fires Titus starts, but we need to find someone you can work with soon, preferably yesterday, to get this back on the road. I’ve got some names, but the problem is going to be finding someone who’s available at no notice.”

“We have someone we want to suggest.” Lexa said. “We agreed last night we could work with them.”

“Really?” Becca asked, her face quizzical. “Who?”

“Back when we properly met for the first time, when we were talking about signing with you, you said you loved the demos you’d heard, that they’d really captured the energy of us. Did you mean that?” Lexa asked.

“I did. There’s a lot of bullshit in this industry, I try not to add to it.”

“That’s the sound we want, we think it’s the sound you want for us, so we want to work with the producer who put that together.” Lexa looked towards Raven.  
Becca paused to think for a moment. “I can work with that. Who was the producer?”

This time it was Lexa’s turn to look quizzical. “We told you back then, it was Raven.”

“Sure, I know the story. It was all in one of your basements, right? But I need to know who actually did it.”

“It’s not a story.” Raven said, and Clarke could see her gripping he edge of the table, knuckles white, as she talked. “That’s what happened. I put those demos together, and it was all in Griffin’s basement.”

“Wait. Really?” Becca asked, looking around at them all.

“Yes.” Marcus said. “Did you think I was bullshitting you when I told you all about them?”

“Honestly? Yes.” Becca said. “Because this industry is built on bullshit. Do you know how many times I get a manager like you bringing me some act who’s so naturally talented they’ve gone viral singling from their bedroom only to find their parents have dropped a hundred grand on promoting them? Or the struggling band from the back streets living on a dream who are actually trust fund kids living in suburban McMansions? Or the amazing vocal talent that’s fifty percent autotune, fifty percent the backing singer being faded up at the right moments? You guys sounded great and the story was good, so I didn’t poke at it too hard to check and see if it was actually true. I have to recognise bullshit, and then pretend it smells like roses.”

“I should be offended.” Raven said. “But you’ve just literally described me as being too good to be true.” Clarke found herself smiling at that, some of the tension in the room dissipating.

“She’s going to be insufferable now.” Anya said. 

“But still easier to work with than Titus.” Raven said.

“First of all, I’m sorry. I should have checked my assumptions and then we might have handled this differently.” Becca said. “But now I need you to be totally honest with me. Those demos were just you five in a basement, and Raven produced them?”

“Yes.” They all said.

“No lies.” Marcus said. “I watched most of it.”

“No session musicians in there, no extra production added in?” She asked.

“None at all. Well, I might have re-recorded a couple of my own parts at home, but that’s all.” Raven said.

“That’s pretty incredible.” Becca said. “Have you ever worked in a recording studio before? Run a proper mixing desk?”

“No I haven’t.” Raven said. “It was all on the laptop.”

“No, there was one time.” Clarke said, an old memory flashing up. “Back at school, we used the sound system in the auditorium after drama club, remember?”

“And we burned the tapes after because it was so bad!” Raven said. “Which was a long time ago and entirely not relevant to this discussion.”

“I know you all agreed this last night.” Marcus said. “But are you sure? Because I know you all get on now, but it’s going to be a lot different if Raven’s both sides of the glass at once.”

Lexa glanced at them all, green eyes asking without words. “We’re sure. We talked about that last night and Raven has agreed that if any of us tell her she’d being an asshole, she’ll stop whatever she’s doing and all five of us will talk it through.”

“That’s good.” Becca said. “But I’m paying the bills and I haven’t agreed this yet.”

“Then what do you want instead?” Lexa instead.

“It’s not about instead, it’s about how I protect the label and make sure this works. I’m willing to try it, but I have conditions. First, we’ve wasted two weeks and you need to be serious about producing stuff that’s ready for release and soon. There’s a lot of people waiting for you to finish this album to get on with their jobs, so theres no time for messing around or slacking, right?”

“Agreed.” Lexa said.

“Second, there’s a big jump from demo quality to release quality, and no matter how talented Raven might be, we do not have time to wait while she learns how to run a studio. So, I propose she’ll be co-producer, and in charge of the creative side for you, but you’re still going to need an actual producer in to run the technical side and try and teach as much of it ass he can to you.”

“Titus wouldn’t do that though, he can’t even be in the same room as me.” Raven said.

“I’m not talking about him, he’s gone.” Becca said. “If I can call in some favours, I can get Sinclair here to work with you. He’s good, he’s friendly and you will listen to him when he tells you how things work. He’s not a big name, but you don’t need that.”

“None of us know who he is.” Lexa said.

“I know, but I do, so you’re going to have to trust me on this. I promise you he’s absolutely nothing like Titus. If I had a lot more time and a lot bigger budget, I might be tempted to let you guys go wild and do whatever you wanted then come back to me with an album when you’re ready. But there’s a whole lot of things already in motion around you, and I can’t afford to put all that on pause. I’m taking a big risk here, so can you meet me halfway on this?”

“It’s cool, I get on with everybody.” Raven said. “OK, most people. I can make this work.”

“You sure?” Clarke asked. “We’re not forcing you into this?”

“Clarke, I told you at the start of this that I’d be there for you, but I’m always the one at the back of the stage making it sound good while you four get the spotlight. And I probably would blow something up if there wasn’t someone there telling me what buttons not to press.”

“Then I guess we agree.” Lexa said. “Let’s get back to work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And in the next couple of chapters, they should be out on tour which might have some impact on the plot given the title of this.  
> Updates, random thoughts, songs I'm listening to, etc are all at https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happened more quickly than I thought, so have a pre-Christmas present.  
> Slightly different format to normal, but hope it makes sense - do let me know if it doesn't!

“What was that noise?” Raven asked.

“That was me.” Lexa said. “Sorry, think there’s something wrong with this reverb pedal.”

“Don’t be sorry, can you do it again?” Raven looked towards the studio window, her finger drawing a circle in the air. Behind the glass, Sinclair nodded and a red light came on the studio.

“I can try.” Lexa said, resting her foot on the pedal as she played the run again. The sound that came out was fractured, like partial echoes, some of the expected noise from the pedal missing.

“Can you do it again? Slower, like half time?” Raven asked.

“Sure.” Lexa said, carefully picking it out, note by note, waiting for it to fade out at the end. “That’s pretty different.”

“It’s great, isn’t it?” Raven said, a wild smile on her face. “Sinclair, can you loop that and play it back?” That elicited a thumbs up from behind the glass and a pause before a whole new sound came back through the monitors, the broken echo of Lexa’s guitar layered over itself.

“Yes, inject that into my veins!” Raven cried out. “And nobody touch that pedal, we need it to stay broken just like that.” She dashed from the studio into the control room, the others watching her talk with Sinclair about what to do next.

“This is pretty crazy.” Octavia said.

“Sure it is. But it’s the good kind of crazy.” Anya said.

* * *

  
**Group: Important stuff (no gifs)**  
**Marcus**  
I’m just the messenger here, don’t shout at me for these.  
Call times for tomorrow:  
Clarke 5am  
Lexa, Octavia 6am  
Raven, Anya 6.30am

 **Clarke**  
Cool cool cool, wasn’t planning to sleep anyway.  
And I’m definitely not wondering why it’s going to take an hour longer to get me ready for a video shoot.  
Isn’t tomorrow when we’re all on wires?

 **Lexa**  
That’s next week. For Drop.  
Tomorrow’s Blood.

 **Clarke**  
Great, definitely not sleeping tonight.

 **Raven**  
You’re the one who wrote “blood must have blood” in a song, what did you expect the video was going to be like?

 **Clarke**  
I wasn’t planning that far ahead  
And I didn’t even come up with that line, it was Lexa!

* * *

_…turgid, and frankly embarrassing._

_So why am I encouraging anyone with tickets for this tour to arrive early? Because the one shining light on the bill is the support act, Onecrew. Their first single, The Drop, has been deservedly rocketing up the charts for the last few weeks and their short set demonstrates that they’re not going to be one-hit wonders. Several of their songs were stuck in my head through the rest of the night’s interminable noodling, while their energy and sheer presence promised a much more exciting show than we actually got. Arrive early and leave early._

* * *

  
**Marcus**  
Question from this meeting, which I’ve promised to ask, and only ask, not get a particular response. Their management would like to know, and I quote, “could you be a little less good”?

 **Lexa**  
No.

 **Octavia**  
No

 **Clarke**  
Ha, he was telling me I didn’t have the range the other night. And obviously no.

 **Anya**  
Have they taken you hostage? No.

 **Marcus**  
I’m not a hostage. I’m in a perfectly normal and amicable tour management meeting, remembering exactly why I’m hiring a road manager as soon as this is all over.

 **Raven**  
I have at least three plans for a daring rescue attempt ready to go, just say the word. And also no.

 **Clarke**  
Raven, DO NOT.

* * *

  
“Clarke, I need a word. Is now OK?” They were on the tour bus, miles of interstate between them and the penultimate half-empty arena for their support slot. 

“Sure Marcus, what’s up?” Clarke said.

“I’ve found a tour manager for you guys. Well, two of them, they come as a package. I just need to run it by you before I confirm it.”

“Are you getting me confused with Lexa? She’s more clued up on this than me.”

“No, I think she’ll be fine with it, but you know one of them so I need to check there’s no issues.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Is it that guy who kept leering at me whenever we were on stage? Didn’t you fire him?”

“I did, but it’s not him. It’s John Murphy, and his wife, they work as a team.”

Clarke was silent for a moment as she processed. “I’m stuck on both parts of this. You want to hire Murphy, and he’s married? You couldn’t wait to get rid of him when you became our manager.”

“I did, but back then he was a teenager with no clue about how things worked - well, you all were - who’d lucked into being a paid hanger-on. He was keen, so I got him a roadie job with another band he could actually do, and it turns out he’s actually good at moving people around the country.”

“And he’s married?”

“She’s called Emori, they must have met on the job. The point is, I heard good things about them, both together and separately, and when I talked with them they sound like they’ll be a good fit. I mean, there are plenty of grizzled veterans out there I could hire but I’d doubt they’d work well with you guys.”

“Aren’t you a grizzled veteran?”

“Hey, I’m not that grizzled.” He laughed. “But he raised it as a potential issue. I think he’s not the same as he was back then, but I don’t want to solve one issue by creating another one. If you’re not cool with it, I’ll keep looking.”

“I don’t have a problem with it. He was around in the early days while it was still fun, he had nothing to do it with it going bad, and it will be good to have someone around who’s not all ‘in my day we did it this way’. I’ll talk to Raven, I think she vaguely knew him from those days, but go ahead, tell the others.”

* * *

_…and that’s Blood from Onecrew, just out today. Looking at the screen here and looks like you guys love it, and for your questions, there’s no news on a tour yet but we’ll get them in here if they come anywhere near, right?_  
_…and I said I’d like The Drop but I’m officially downgrading that to like because this, this is love._  
_…waves at me to roll down the window, so I do, but I’ve got this next song going loud and I’m singing along to the chorus and he gives me this look of ultimate fear before driving off without saying anything. Anyway, here’s Blood…_

* * *

  
“Here’s the provisional first set of tour dates.” Marcus pushed the sheets of paper over the table to them.

“Just fourteen?” Anya asked.

“And these are pretty small venues.” Clarke added.

“And here’s the second set.” He said, passing them sheets with a lot more printed on them. “First ones are small venues in key markets right after the release. They generate interest, airplay and everything else, then we go to Austin, and then after that you’ve got the bigger venues. And after that, if any of you haven’t got a passport then you need to be correcting that as soon as you can.”

“There’s nothing in Austin on these.” Raven said, looking up from the sheets.

“It’s not part of the tour as such. But you’re playing a set at South By Southwest, and you’ll be doing a lot of media while you’re there as well.”

Raven and Anya looked at each other, then to Marcus. “SXSW? Does that mean we’ll have time to-” Anya started.

“Emori’s already working on getting you passes and invites for the tech side. We’ll see what we can do. If you guys want anything else, go through her.”

* * *

_Out Of The Ark might just be the most eagerly awaited debut album of the year, and a lot of people are going to be relieved that it meets almost every expectation placed on it…_  
_…I’ll be honest, the Delinquents and their whole dad-rock-but-teens thing completely passed me by, so getting to review their former singer and her new band wasn’t top of my list of priorities. It says something about how much Clarke Griffin has moved on that I hadn’t even realised she was the voice on The Drop and Blood which have been on so many playlists recently…_  
_…most impressive is the sheer creative energy as they jump through an eclectic mix of styles and sounds yet still tie it together into a cohesive sound…_  
_…doesn’t always hit the target, but pulls it off more times than it fails, and it’s refreshing to see a band leaping out of the blocks with such ambition even if their reach sometimes exceeds their grasp…_  
_…Griffin’s voice moves from the earthy growl of Blood through to the ethereal parade of the title track with, matched by an ever-shifting soundscape led by Lexa Woods showing there are still interesting things you can do with a guitar…_  
_…a while to go but if this doesn’t end up on your albums of the year list, you might need new ears._

* * *

**Group: C,R,A &O.**  
**Anya**  
Why do we have a group without Lexa?

 **Marcus**  
Don’t add her, need to tell you something and get some advice.

 **Octavia**  
Well that doesn’t sound too ominous.

 **Marcus**  
Austin. SXSW. Murphy’s just shown me the updated lineups, who else is playing in town when you’re there.  
Costia’s just appeared on the schedule.  
Same day, different venue, similar time, so you won’t run into her there.

 **Raven**  
I sense a but coming…

 **Marcus**  
But, she is on the invite list for a couple of events you’re at after that. So…

 **Raven**  
Told you. So, who’s telling Lexa?  
Are we telling her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure when the next chapter will come (things are rather stressful at the moment) with the pandemic and the closed borders but the version in my head is really good.  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait - holidays, life and other stuff got in the way. This is the first part of what was turning into a really long chapter, and it works on its own, so I divided it in two. Hopefully, I'll be finished with the rest and posting it very soon.
> 
> Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!

“So what are you two going to do with a day off?” Anya asked.

“There’s a part of me that just wants to go back up to my room and lie in bed until the gig.” Lexa said. “This feels like the first time we’ve had even a pause in forever.”

“You are absolutely not doing that today.” Clarke said. “We have a full day and passes that get us in to see whatever and whoever we want to, while these three are doing media all day. We’ve got to take advantage of it.”

“Sure. And then me and you have got another round of media to do tomorrow while they all get a day off to do interesting things.”

“Me and Anya are doing interesting things. Octavia’s just doing-” Raven began.

“An MMA workshop with Lincoln, actually.” Octavia said. “Mind out of the gutter, Reyes.”

“I can’t help it, we’re all living vicariously through you. And you have to put up with me for a whole day before his flight gets in.”

“And I have to put up with both of you all day.” Anya said. “Right, we better get moving. Clarke, please do not let my sister waste this day.”

“I’ll try my best. We’ll see you at six.”

They headed off, leaving Clarke and Lexa alone at their hotel breakfast table. “You’re not really going to crash for the day, are you?” Clarke asked. “I know it’s been crazy the last few weeks, but it’s not long till we get a few days off.”

“There’s part of me that feels like I could go back and sleep, but I know I’ll hate missing everything we could get up to today. You’ve done all this before, though, how do you cope?” Lexa asked.

“I never did anything like the last few weeks before. We toured, but we never had media interest like that. We’d sometimes have like two interviews and a personal appearance to make before a gig and that was a busy day, nothing like we’ve had, and we definitely never did anything like the distance we covered over the last couple of weeks.”

“I’m very glad we’ve got another couple of days before we’re in an airport again, at least. Most boring places on Earth.” Lexa said.

For the last two weeks they’d dashed around the country on a schedule that had made Lexa feel like she was in constant motion. Every day since about a week before the album dropped had come with its own schedule of planes, tour buses, radio stations, tv studios, soundchecks, gigs, meet and greets, backstage interviews, video chats, podcast calls and so much else. Each city they passed through was reduced to a name, a series of buildings that could have been anywhere, a venue, an anonymous hotel and occasionally a landmark glimpsed at distance through a vehicle’s window. In just over two weeks they’d traversed thousand of miles in a wide arc across the country, but seen so little of it to the point where it had become a challenge to remember not just what city they were in but what day of the week it was. It had been exhausting, but it had also been an incredible rush, playing every night to crowds who loved the sound the five of them had created and the songs they’d written, then getting to talk about it to people who were mostly genuinely interested in them and what they had to say.

“I think the full tour won’t be as hectic as all this was. I mean, it’ll still be tiring, but we won’t be covering hundreds of miles every day. And I’d say grab your sleep when you can, but now I’ve promised Anya we’ll get out…so anything you want to do today?” Clarke asked. “Have you looked at a schedule or anything?”

“No, haven’t had a chance. I’ve been so focused on our gig, I’ve got no idea what else is happening. Maybe we should just see what’s happening and leave it to chance?”

Clarke laughed. “See, I was going to suggest that, but I was sure you’d have taken the time to check out the full lineup everywhere.”

“For once, I’ve not prepared for what’s going to happen.”

“Welcome to my world.”

“I’m sure we can find a schedule if you-”

“No, let’s just take it easy and see what happens. More fun that way.”

* * *

It didn’t take long for Lexa to be glad that Anya and Clarke had made sure she’d got outside. Just having a chance to walk around a city with no plans and the freedom to do whatever they want was something she hadn’t done in months. They’d been in the studio, then straight into making videos, promoting the singles and touring, her feet hardly touching the ground as they’d skidded around the country. Now, though, they could stop to browse shops and stalls, watch some street performers and just relax for a few hours.

“Do you realise we’ve only known each other for a bit over a year?” She asked Clarke.

“Really? It’s longer than that, surely?” Clarke replied, her face scrunching up as she thought through everything. “Or maybe it just feels longer.”

“Oh, that’s charming.”

“I didn’t mean it that way!” Clarke laughed. “We should have done something to mark the anniversary. Declared it a band birthday or something.”

“Maybe next year, but we’ll have to decide which day counts.”

“Which day?”

“There’s the day we met, the day we first played together, the day Octavia joined, the day we came up with the name. We’ve passed them all for this year, but maybe if we fix one now, we can decide something for next year. Maybe we should talk to Marcus, see what we can arrange for it.” She stopped as she felt Clarke’s hands on her shoulders, saw bright blue eyes looking right at her.

“Lex, it was just an idea, we don’t need to plan the whole thing.” Clarke’s face broke into the sort of warm smile that still made it hard for Lexa to sleep at night.

“But that’s why we work so well, isn’t it? One of us has a crazy idea, someone else works out how to make it happen.”

“Sure, but it’s not that crazy an idea. Not when we’ve been working with Raven.”

“True. She was telling me the other day she wants to find a way to drop a spaceship on a gig.”

“What?” Lexa asked.

“Not a real one. Well, I think not. But your know the boom at the end of The Drop? She was saying in her head that’s the sound of a spaceship crashing, and she was working out how to do that as a stage effect.”

“And did she work it out?”

“She said it’d have to wait until we were playing the big arenas.” Clarke said. “I said something like ‘if we ever make it there, we’ll talk about it’ as a kind of joke, and she said ‘it’s not about if, Griffin, it’s when.’”

“Wow. I mean, all this is so much more than I ever expected.”

“Me too, but I figure this is Raven’s world, we just live in it and get to be on board for the ride. I mean, I like to think we can be that kind of massive, but for her it’s like she knows we will be.”

Lexa moved back slightly, hearing a noise that made her break Clarke’s gaze and look towards the source of it. A little further down the street, three girls were huddled together, talking excitedly to each other, one of them holding up a phone that had clearly just been used to take a photo of the two of them as they talked. “Are they…?”

“Fans? Yes.” Clarke said. “Pretend we didn’t see, or go say hi?”

“Say hi?” Lexa said, suddenly feeling a bunch of nerves. They’d met fans at gigs and the various events they did around them, but this was the first time someone had spotted her out in public like that. “They look friendly.”

“They do. OK, let’s do it.” Clarke said, and as Lexa watched it was like someone had flipped a switch inside her as Clarke instantly became like she was on stage. It was something Lexa saw just about every night, but she was still amazed when she saw it. It wasn’t acting, or putting on a fake persona, it was as though there was just more of her there than there had been a few moments before, powered by the attention focused on her, but not losing herself in it. “Hey guys! How are you?”

Lexa followed as Clarke walked over towards them, suddenly wondering how embarrassing this would be if they’d mistaken the two of them for something else, but then relaxing as she saw the girls’ faces light up when she and Clarke join them. The two of them didn’t have to say much, suddenly finding themselves at the heart of an enthusiastic torrent of words, the girls telling them how much they were looking forward to the gig that night, how much they loved the album, then enthusiastically agreeing when Clarke offered her and Lexa for selfies, then scribbling some autographs for them on eagerly offered shirt sleeves.

“We’ve got to go, but we’ll look for you tonight! Tag us when you post the pictures, right?” Clarke said, tugging on Lexa’s elbow to walk them away. Lexa waved as they headed away, watching Clarke relax and switch herself off, shedding the star and going back to just being the friend she was enjoying a day off with. “That was your first time, wasn’t it?” She said. “Getting recognised in public like that.”

Lexa nodded. “Does it ever feel normal?”

“Nothing about our lives is going to be normal any more, is it? But you get used to it, and I never had it that much, we were never that famous. Remember when we met? Anya had to tell you who I was and you’d actually been to one of our shows.”

“Hey! I recognised you, I just couldn’t remember where from, that was all. And I wasn’t expecting someone who’d actually enjoyed some success to be hanging out at Lincoln’s.” She could still remember lots of that night, especially the way the four of them had just clicked together like they’d known each other for a long time. She could remember the way she’d felt when she thought she’d offended Clarke only to see her laughing instead, an image of joy that had stuck in her head ever since as the starting point for whatever the thing between the two of them was. The rational part of her still remembered all the reasons behind Clarke’s _we shouldn’t_ , but the rest of her remembered the way the kiss before that had felt, the way she’d sometimes catch Clarke looking at her, or just the relaxed way they could be with each other on those increasingly rare occasions when they weren’t working.

“Some success. Nothing like what we’ve got now. A lot of this is new to me too, and there’s someone over there wearing a Onecrew t-shirt, so I don’t think we’re going to get much peace out here today.”

Lexa glanced over at where Clarke was looking. “So what do you want to do?”

“We could try and disguise ourselves. Shades, big hats, wigs, whatever we can find.”

“Sounds like a lot of work.” Lexa said. “How about we jump into the first venue we see and hope it’s got music on?”

“Like that one there?”

“Absolutely.”

Even thought their wasn’t anyone queuing to get in, Lexa still felt a little thrill getting to wave her artist pass and walk straight into the building, the people on the door waving them through. She was just about getting used to people ushering her through secure points when she was performing, seeing the way people worked to get the five of them where they needed to be, but this was a whole new experience. She realised that they weren’t just performers now, they were some kind of celebrities with people seeing them as a kind of public property.

“So what have we got here?” She asked Clarke, seeing her looking around the venue.

“We’ve got a stage, that’s a good sign. And people, none of whom seem to be looking at us or wearing any of our merchandise, so that’s also good.”

“Let’s hang out here for a while. Coffee?” Lexa said. Looking around the place reminded her of Lincoln’s, or how it might have looked if he’d been able to spend more money on it. It was a regular bar with space cleared out at one end for a stage, one of many places scattered all over the city serving as a venue for the festival. She knew where they were playing was the festival’s main stage, and they had one of the most prominent slots on it, but the bulk of the festival was happening at places like this, where acts only slightly bigger than they’d been a year before were grabbing their few minutes on stage in the hope they could make a name for themselves. She found a coffee stall in there while Clarke located a place for them to sit.

“There you go.” Lexa said, placing a large cup in front of Clarke. “Just how you like it.”

“You remembered my order. Thanks.”

“Clarke, ‘the largest black coffee you’ve got, add absolutely nothing to it’ is the one everyone remembers.”

“I like coffee, I don’t like anything else getting between me and it.” Clarke said. “Are you nervous about tonight?”

“It’s odd. I feel like I should be, but it’s everything else going on around it that gets me stressed. We’ve been doing all those interviews and appearances and everything else, but then when we get on stage, it’s just us. And then tonight there’s so much else around it. And that’s getting in the way of thinking about performing.” Lexa said. “Or maybe I’m just too tired for it all.”

“It is a lot. Stylists and filming and everything else, but then we get some time off. And there’s that MTV event after the gig tonight, we can treat it as our afterparty.”

“But we don’t have the day off tomorrow. We let everyone else have it off instead.”

“Yeah, but it’s just interviews. We’re used to those, and we deserve to cut loose tonight.”

“We haven’t even played the show yet, and you’re already planning the party?” Lexa asked.

“I’m just trying to distract you from getting nervous about tonight.”

“I’ll be fine when we’re up here, it’s just this whole ‘be there in time for the stylists to do their work’ thing. I’m worried they’re going to have some ridiculous look. Remember when they had me in that big long coat for the video?”

“I do, you looked good in it.” Clarke said, and Lexa took a moment to note that Clarke had responded with that very quickly.

“Um, thanks, but the sleeves were so long I couldn’t actually play the guitar while wearing it, and what if they’ve got something like that for me?”

“Then say no. They’ll have different outfits for us, if we don’t like it, or if it doesn’t fit. And if all else fails, we’re about the same size, we can swap. If you don’t like anything they have for you, then you don’t have to wear it. You could go on with what you’re wearing now and still look good, just do whatever magic it is you do to your hair and you’re good to go.”

“Magic?” Lexa asked, feeling suddenly curious about just how much attention Clarke paid to how she looked.

“You go from straight to some complicated braid thing and back again in about five minutes, and it always looks amazing, while I spend hours sitting in a stylist’s chair to get it do something other than just hang straight. You’ve got magic hair, or a team of elves working on it or something like that, it’s the only explanation.”

Lexa laughed. “Do you spend a lot of time thinking about my hair?”

“I spend a lot of time thinking about all sorts of things, your hair is just one of them. But I promise I can keep a secret if it is magic.”

“It’s not magic. It’s just I’ve been doing it every day since Anya showed me how to, and so I’m good at it. I don’t even think about it most of the time.”

Clarke grimaced. “See, that’s exactly what you’d say if it was secret magic.”

Lexa was trying to work out a comeback to that when the lights began to dim and everyone’s attention turned to the stage, saving her the need for it.

* * *

Leather pants. Out of all the choices they could have made for this gig, Clarke was wearing a pair of leather pants and Lexa was finding it hard to keep her eyes from popping out whenever she so much as glanced in her direction. It didn’t help that they were tight enough to make Lexa wonder if Clarke had been poured into them to get them on, especially when they were paired with a gauzy shirt over a corset-style top that was doing nothing to hide the toned figure Clarke had developed over the last few months training with Octavia.

They’d spent most of their day hopping between small venues, watching a succession of singer-songwriters and solo performers in action. For Lexa, it had felt a bit like being back on the open mike circuit again, though the quality here had been higher, but it had been a useful reminder of how far they’d come and a reminder that just about everyone they’d seen on stage wanted to reach where they now were, just like she had when she’d been in their position. This was everything she’d wanted, and she knew she needed to be happy about that, not let herself obsess over the few things she might not have.

Which would have been a lot easier if the one thing - the one person - she’d told herself she absolutely couldn’t have was now wearing an outfit that appeared to have been precision crafted to trigger every possible centre of attraction in Lexa’s brain.

“Doesn’t it hurt to move in them?” Raven asked. “It’s not quite the whole world is your gynaecologist tight, but it looks like it’s getting close to it, and that can’t be comfortable.” Somehow, Raven had managed to get herself an outfit that was mainly an oversized and very comfortable-looking hoodie, claiming it represented how she was ‘the mysterious genius at the back’.

“The secret is they’re not really leather.” Clarke said, demonstrating that by stretching out in a lunge that threatened to send Lexa’s heart rate to dangerous heights. “They feel like they’re the world’s most stylish and expensive pair of yoga pants.” She went back to pacing the room, somehow managing to stay in the periphery of Lexa’s vision as she did so.

They had a spacious dressing room, but the sheer nervous energy of the five of them was filling it and making it feel a lot smaller than it was. Octavia sat in one corner of the room, twirling drumsticks in between playing on the armrest of the couch she was sitting on. Lincoln was flying in to see her, but a delay on his flight meant she wouldn’t get to see him until after the gig. She was wearing a version of what she always did on stage, a fitted athletic vest and shorts, her exertions making it not worth her wearing more. Anya sat near her, carrying out her own pre-show ritual of making microscopic adjustments to the tuning of her bass, ignoring the noise around her and looking good in a tailored jumpsuit. Clarke and Raven’s joking and teasing each other was their usual way of preparing themselves, with Lexa as their regular spectator, sometimes keeping up with them, others getting lost when they dived into memories or in-jokes from the decade of their friendship.

To Lexa’s relief, the stylists had realised the importance of keeping her hands clear to play and offered her something sleeveless. However, when what she’d thought had been the start of an outfit turned out to be the whole thing in the form of a shimmering silver minidress, she’d remembered what Clarke had told her and said a very firm no. After some back and forth with them over just what she would be happy to wear, she’d finally got them to bring out a sharp-angled black vest paired with matching black trousers that she was much happier wearing, even if she was still confused by the stylist talking about how they could build it into a signature look for her.

She let all those worries fade away, trying to focus purely on the moment and prepare herself for the show, following the others to the stage when they got their final call, taking her guitar from a tech as she walked out onto the stage to see the biggest crowd they’d had yet. The stage was in one corner of the city’s main public squares, and the wide open space in front of them was filled with people, their noise reflecting off the buildings that enclosed the space rising as they laid eyes on the band. For a moment, it was almost overwhelming as she realised all these people were here to see them, but she took her gaze off them and back onto the stage, quickly ticking off her pre-show checks, being sure that everything was working and making sure that she could see where everything around her was, understanding the space she’d be performing in.

She could see Clarke checking with the other three, making sure they were all set before finally looking to Lexa, a sly smile on her face. “Ready?” She asked, and Lexa gave her a thumbs up. Clarke nodded, then Lexa saw what she’d seen earlier, the woman who’d been casually chatting with her friends a few minutes sliding into the confident on-stage version of Clarke, throwing her arms open as she turned to face the crowd.

“All right, you all ready for this?”

“YES!” the crowd roared back in a wave of sound that Lexa felt as much as she heard, then Clarke’s free hand punched the air, Octavia was counting them in to the first song, and Lexa knew she was right where she was meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in other news, I'm an idiot who didn't realise that I'd not turned asks on. They are on now, so if you've got any questions, comments or whatever else you can now ask away.  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you it wouldn't be that long a wait!

The sound of the crowd was still buzzing in Lexa’s ears as they walked the short distance from the stage to the party. Some of the streets around the square had been cut off from the public, making it a large backstage area for people performing at a lot of different venues, and many of them were milling about in the cool evening air. The show had gone really well, culminating in the sight of Clarke standing at the edge of the stage, arms outstretched as the crowd chanted “blood must have blood” back at her. It was almost a privilege for Lexa to get to watch her on stage from so close, seeing the ways she could lead a crowd right where she wanted it to go, but never hogging the limelight or ignoring the rest of them. She’d even dragged Raven out from behind her keyboards and monitors to share in the cheers and applause at the end.

They’d taken the chance to shower and change after the show, but all five of them were still rushing on adrenaline and excitement and now joined by Lincoln who’d managed to get there in time to both see them and surprise Octavia in the dressing room after the show. It had taken a combined appeal from the four of them to get them to come along and make at least a token appearance at the party before they disappeared to their hotel. As they walked across, Lexa noticed that Clarke was looking around a lot, paying extra attention to everyone she saw hanging around.

“Are you all right?” Lexa asked. “Looking for something?”

“No, just taking this all in. Remembering the night.” Clarke said, but Lexa noticed her eyes didn’t make contact as she said it, glancing past her.

“Clarke, you’re looking for something. Someone?” A thought struck her. “Oh, the Delinquents aren’t playing here, are they?”

“No, they’re not. It’s not that. Anya?” Clarke said. Lincoln and Octavia were still walking on towards the party, both wrapped up in each other, but she saw Anya and Raven slow as Clarke looked towards them.

“Costia might be here.” Anya said, moving over to join them. “She was appearing at another venue tonight, and she’s on the guest list for this party.”

“And you’ve only just found this out? How?” They all looked away from her again, shiftily avoiding her gaze. “You’ve known for a while, haven’t you?”

“A week or so.” Clarke said.

“Murphy spotted her name on the lists, he told Marcus, Marcus told us, we decided not to let you know.” Anya said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because we were in the middle of a ridiculously busy and stressful tour, and the last time you saw her it was so much for you, you upped and disappeared.” Anya said.

“And we agreed to tell you tonight after the show.” Raven said. “We were just going to wait till we got there and relaxed a bit.”

“She might not even-” Clarke started.

“She will.” Lexa said. “You should have told me. All of you.”

“Hey, if you want to blame someone, blame me.” Anya said. “I saw what a mess she made of you when she left, and I saw what you were like that night when she showed up, so I told the others you’d be better off not knowing.”

“She did.” Raven said. “And she’s pretty scary.”

“If you’d told me, I could have prepared for this.” Lexa said.

“You mean you’d have obsessed over it.” Anya said.

“I can deal with it. That last time I was drunk and it was a pretty crazy day.” She found herself involuntarily glancing at Clarke as she said that, wondering how she could tell them her memories of that day weren’t of Costia but of pressing close to her friend in a darkened alleyway, their lips meeting.

“It’s all pretty crazy right now. We were just trying to lower the amount of crazy in your life.” Clarke said. “And if she does show up, you know we’re all here for you, right?”

“I know you are.” She looked at the three of them, saw the anxious look they all shared, saw Octavia behind them realising that she’d missed whatever was happening and had turned back to join them. “Trust me, she’s not in my head anymore, and I’m not running off anywhere tonight.”

* * *

“Whatever happened to debauchery?” Raven asked. “We’re rock stars, aren’t we? We’re at a festival, we’ve just come off stage, we’re at what we were told was a big festival party, and now we’re sitting round a nice respectable table sipping wine.”

“It’s expensive wine.” Octavia said. “There’s that, at least.”

“More suits than artists in here.” Anya said. “It feels like we’re gatecrashing a conference that’s got a chill out room for some reason.”

Lexa looked around the club. It currently looked like someone had made all the preparations for a party but forgotten to tell anyone they’d invited what they were planning and ended up with a networking event for people who desperately wanted to believe they were cool.

“So where is everyone?” Clarke asked. “There’s thousands of performers and bands around the city, and almost none of them are here.”

“I’m working on finding out.” Raven said, holding up her phone, showing them a screen full of outgoing message. “Someone we know has to know somewhere better than this, but until they get back to me, I suggest we focus on drinking as much of this very expensive but also very free wine.”

“Good plan.” Lexa said, glancing down and seeing her glass was empty. Looking up, she saw someone who looked like a waiter carrying a tray of bottles. “I’ll go get some.” As she stood up, the waiter started moving away and she found herself stalking him around the edge of the club until she finally caught up with him and retrieved a pair of bottles from him with ease when she finally got his attention.

“Hi Lex.” A voice from behind her said, one she knew all too well.

“Costia.” Lexa said, turning round and quickly taking in the explosion of rainbow hair and a dress that reminded her of the one she’d rejected earlier. “Had a good show?”

“Yes. Did you -”

“Ours was amazing, we were on the main square. Incredible crowd.” Looking over Costia’s shoulder, she could see Clarke standing up, the others following her and Lexa shook her head at them. _I’ve got this_ , she told herself, hoping they’d see that in her. “Great experience. Good practice for the tour, headlining for the first time.” The nerves that had filled her the last time she saw Costia were completely absent, she realised. She could feel the same confidence in herself she’d felt on stage earlier that night coupled with the knowledge that she was looking at her past. She’d moved on from this.

“Oh.” Costia said, the smile she wore staying on her lips but fading from her eyes. “Sounds like you’re doing well.”

“We are, and you know we are. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean?” She asked, trying to look shocked but failing to get away from looking caught out.

“You always wanted to be famous, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You thought me and Anya could get you there, then you jumped on from us when you saw an easier way and now you’re seeing us go way past where you’ve got to, so you think you’ll try and jump back on. I bet your label already has a publicist working out how to promote us dating again, right.”

“It’s not like that, I miss you, we were good together.”

“If you really thought that you wouldn’t have left like you did.” Lexa could feel herself tensing, her grip on the bottles she held intensifying. She paused and let herself breathe for a moment.

“I was confused then, I wasn’t thinking. That’s what I wanted to tell you last time I saw you.”

Lexa couldn’t tell if Costia was being honest or not, then realised it didn’t matter. “Do you know what I discovered after that? That I don’t miss you. After I left there, I wasn’t thinking about us, or the times we had, or wanting any of them back. I’m sorry, Costia. I hope you get all the fame and success you want, but we’re heading in different directions now and whatever we were, that’s all done.”

“Lexa-” She heard her say, but by that point she was already walking past her and back to the others, all of whom were looking at her. She could feel her heart pounding, but her breathing was a series of sighs of relief, not stress.

“What just happened?” Clarke asked.

“I told you I could deal with it. She wanted another chance with me, I told her no. It’s done.”

“Wow.” Anya said. “You looked completely in control there, and she’s slunk off to the other side of the room. Proud of you, sis.”

“Thank you.” Lexa smiled as she put the bottles on to the table. “Who’s thirsty?”

“All of us, but I’ve just had a message from Sinclair.” Raven said. “He’s in town and at some kind of jam session at a bar that I think is near here which sounds an infinite number of times more fun than this place. Up for it?”

“Absolutely.” Lexa said, lifting up the bottles she just got. “And we’ve got these to drink on the way.”

* * *

Sinclair turned out to be as good at finding parties as he was at producing albums. The place was packed, loud and raucous with lots of musicians, techs and others all unwinding and enjoying themselves. Lexa could see a bunch of faces she recognised milling around, and she felt a strange familiarity with people whose work she was familiar with but had never met before. Some combination of the gig, finally telling Costia what she thought and wine was giving her a new sense of confidence in herself and she didn’t let herself fade into the crowd, instead taking the opportunity to talk to people whose work she’d admired for a long time and through that discovering how some of them wanted to tell her how good she and Onecrew were.

She’d lost track of the others as they’d all moved through the crowd, meeting people and falling into different conversations. It didn’t take long for her to spot Raven and Anya, sitting in a large group with Sinclair and others, laughing and swapping stories as they drank. Octavia and Lincoln weren’t too far away from them, standing and watching the band, Octavia leaning back against him with his arms around her. The band was a mix and match of people she recognised from various other acts, jamming together through a few classic songs and standards, nothing too complex or showing off, just enjoying the fun of playing together. Part of her wanted to get up and join them, but she knew she’d probably had too much to drink to make that a good idea, and didn’t want to embarrass herself by slipping up on something basic.

After watching for a while, she decided to go in search of Clarke, unable to see her blonde hair amongst the crowd around the stage. The place was confusing to look through, spread out over a couple of levels and with some people spilling out into a space out the back. Lexa wandered through it all in a broad and slow curve, stopping to say hi and briefly chat to people as she moved through, but still not catching sight of Clarke anywhere. The music had paused, and she could hear someone talking on the microphone, a male voice she didn’t recognise and then a female one she very much did.

“All right, all right. If you really want me to, but just one, OK?” It was unmistakably Clarke’s voice, and Lexa quickly turned herself around and headed back towards the stage, wanting to see what was happening.

She got there in time to see Clarke in a huddle with the other musicians, obviously talking through what they were going to play, the crowd buzzing as they watched and waited.

“Just pick one, Griffin!” She heard Raven shout. “Or do I have to choose for you?” There was laughter from those who heard it, and Lexa made her way over to where Raven and Anya were sitting.

“Thank you, Raven.” Clarke said from the stage. “I can do some things without you. Raven Reyes, everybody, and if you want a great producer for your next album, then tough, she’s ours. This is an old one, and I really hope I remember all the words or it might be a bit embarrassing.” Lexa could see she Clarke was slightly less focused than she normally was on stage, partly leaning on the microphone stand and staying in place, not roaming the stage as she usually did. The guitarist started playing, gently strumming his guitar, the drummer picking up the steady beat. Lexa found herself caught between watching Clarke with her eyes closed, fingers tapping against her thigh as she counted the beats, and trying to work out what the song was. She recognised it as something older, but her brain couldn’t identify it in time before Clarke started singing.

“ _I saw her today at the reception, a glass of wine in her hand,_  
_I knew she was going to meet her connection, at her feet was a foot-loose man,_  
_Now you can’t always get what you want,_  
_But if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need…_ ”

Lexa had heard Clarke’s voice like this a lot of times when they rehearsed and played together, rich and earthy in the lower part of her range, but she rarely got to just listen to it and appreciate her performance. It was an experience to see her take someone else’s song and make it her own without changing it, just letting her voice shine. She was carried along with the rest of the crowd, applauding and calling for more when the song came to an end.

“No more tonight folks, sorry. I did a whole gig before this and there’s at least four people watching this who’d kill me if I ruin my voice before the tour. Thank you!” Clarke said, performing an exaggerated bow as she stepped away from the microphone and found her way back to them.

“That was amazing!” Octavia was the first to reach her, pinning her in a tight hug before letting her go for Anya and Raven to do the same, then letting Lexa finish off the round, enjoying the feeling as Clarke’s arms wrapped round her as they pressed together, then how she stayed at her side when they came apart.

“We’re going to head back to the hotel.” Lincoln said. “Maybe see you in the morning?”

“Don’t be too damn noisy.” Raven called out at them as they left. “Some of us will be trying to sleep later!” Octavia gave a dismissive wave as the two of them disappeared out the door.

“I need a drink and some fresh air after that.” Clarke said. “Anyone else?”

“I’ll get some drinks and meet you outside.” Lexa said. “You two want anything?” She looked to Anya and Raven.

“We’re fine, I think.” Anya said. “Meet us back here when you’re ready to go?”

“Will do.” Lexa said. She quickly got to the bar and picked up a couple of bottles of beer, then found Clarke outside, sitting on a low wall and looking up at the sky. It was well past midnight and the air had started to get cooler, with only a few other people still around outside.

“I’m trying to see the stars, but it’s way too bright out here.” Clarke said, taking a bottle from Lexa. “So, be honest - how terrible was I? There were no monitors and I was wavering all over the place, wasn’t I?”

Lexa laughed. “You weren’t at all terrible, and there was no wavering.”

“Really? I just jumped n and sang it, I was worrying all the way through I was going out of key.”

“Really, you were on it all the way through. I’m just surprised you knew the song.”

“It just came to mind tonight. I suggested it, they knew it, and it’s not that hard to play. It was one of my Dad’s favourites. He loved all that classic stuff, if it was British and recorded before I was born, he’d like it. I used to love singing along to it all with him when we were in the car, so all the words are just up there in my head still.”

“Genuinely, you were really good. I didn’t notice any mistakes, and you heard the crowd’s reaction. Was weird hearing you sing without being on stage with you, though.”

“That was odd for me too. And he definitely wasn’t a good a guitarist as you, you should have joined me.”

“Maybe next time. And I don’t play as well if I’ve been drinking.”

Clarke took a long drink from her beer. “It’s been a damn good day, though, right? We saw some great acts earlier, we did an awesome show.”

“We did.”

“And you, Lexa Woods, were even more awesome after that when you were talking to Costia.”

Lexa felt herself cringe inside a little. “Oh God, did you hear all that?”

“Not all of it, but enough. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier about her being here. If I’d have known that’s how you’d deal with it, we definitely would have.”

“I didn’t know I would until I did. It was like I saw her, and I didn’t feel anything. No, not nothing, but it was like all those feelings and emotions and everything I’d had for her were in the past, and I knew I didn’t have to worry about them any more.”

“I’ll admit, I almost panicked right then. We’d done all that to protect you, and then she comes in just at the one moment you’re out in the open. I wasn’t looking forward to tracking you down again.”

Lexa paused, taking a drink and then deciding to say the words she wanted to. It felt like the right night for it. “Not even if it ended the same way?”

Clarke looked at her, eyes wide. “Maybe that’s why I chose that song. You can’t always get what you want, right? We decided we shouldn’t.”

“Did we? We never talked about it.”

“What was there to talk about? We agreed there, after it happened.”

“Agreements can change, Clarke. We can change.”

“Change to what? We’ve got people who rely on us, need us to be who we are. Relationships suck, remember? Or maybe we suck at relationships. Whichever way round it is, we can’t risk it all on that, can we?”

“But what if the risk was worth it? What if we made it work?” Lexa asked, wishing she could prove right there and then that it would work, that there was no risk.

“If we were other people, had other lives, maybe we could risk it.” They’d moved closer together, and Lexa knew it would be so easy to close that remaining gap if they wanted to. “Tell me this. If we try it, if risked it and it didn’t work out, how would you tell Anya this is all over because of us?”

Lexa tried to think of an objection, something that could break the chains of duty that kept them like this, but nothing came. “And we were having such a good day.”

“I know. Guess it’s time to go, right?”

* * *

They sat apart in the cab that took them back to the hotel, and Raven and Anya were too excited discussing all the things they were going to go see at the tech festival the day after that they didn’t notice how little Lexa and Clarke said, or just assumed the day was finally catching up with them. Lexa looked out of the window, watching the city at night pass by as the song played on a loop in her head, almost taunting her with the idea that what she wanted would always be out of reach.

The hotel was quiet and the four of them were soon stumbling out of the lift on their floor, Anya and Raven disappeared into their rooms, leaving Clarke and Lexa alone as they walked to their rooms, keeping a distance apart from each other.

“We’re still friends, right?” Clarke said, looking towards her. “I didn’t burn that down, did I?”

“We are.” Lexa said. “You’re right. Focus on what we can have, not what we can’t.”

“And you know, if we could I…” Clarke trailed off, but her voice was still singing in Lexa’s thoughts.

_But if you try sometimes…_

Lexa was right by the door to her room and they were the only two people in the corridor. She reached out, her hand finding Clarke’s wrist and gripping it, feeling her stop moving.

_…you might just find…_

They moved towards each other, the bright blue of Clarke’s eyes darkening as she looked at her, then disappearing from view as their bodies pressed together and their lips met. Clarke’s arms swept around Lexa as they kissed each other hungrily and desperately. They stumbled together until Clarke’s back pressed against Lexa’s room’s door, hands roaming over each other.

_…you get what you need._

Clarke pulled back, looking deep into her eyes. “Lexa…” She began, sounding as much a growl as a word, then kissing her again as Lexa’s hand fumbled in a pocket, trying to find the keycard for the door, grasping it in her fingers, then feeling Clarke’s hand on hers, holding it away from the lock.

“We said no.” Clarke said. “Relationships suck, right?” Her eyes were wide and pleading, her other hand still pressed tight to Lexa’s hip.

“Then maybe I’m not asking you for a relationship, Clarke. I’m asking for a night.” The words came out of her before she could even think of them.

“One night?” Clarke said, her hand still blocking Lexa’s, but wavering.

“One night.” Lexa said, trying to persuade herself that would be enough. Clarke’s hand stayed on hers for a moment, then another, then lifted. Lexa moved swiftly, the door opened and they fell into the room tangled together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't know You Can't Always Get What You Want: https://youtu.be/Ef9QnZVpVd8  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having some keyboard issues with my laptop, so occasionally h, g, and apostrophes don't appear when I type them. I think I've caught them all in the edit, but spell check doesn't catch them all, so please flag up any I haven't corrected!

Clarke was used to waking up in unfamiliar beds in unfamiliar hotel rooms. She wasn’t used to waking up with an unfamiliar body in bed next to her. The first rays of dawn coming through the window had woken her with enough light now coming into the room to let her see the mass of dark hair on the pillow next to her, and note the solitary arm that lay across her naked body.

Lexa’s arm. Lexa’s hair. Lexa’s bed. Lexa’s room. Clarke lay there still for a moment, remembering the night before and the way both of them had thrown out all their defences to surrender to whatever it was that lay between them. They’d promised each other that one night and neither of them had wanted to waste a moment of it. They had been sating the hungry and desperate need within both of them, clothes hurriedly cast off and pulled off and left scattered around the room, their fingers and lips exploring each other inside and out. Even now, she could feel the lingering after effects of it through her body, the soft afterglow of being taken to peak after peak of pleasure, the rush she’d experienced when she’d seen and felt Lexa’s release, knowing she’d been the one who caused it. They’d barely needed to speak beyond pleas for more and cries of joy until they’d collapsed into exhausted sleep, tangled together and utterly spent.

She’d had sex with a woman. She’d had incredible, mind-blowing, set-off-all-the-fireworks sex with Lexa, and now she had to go back to normal. They both had to go back to normal, whatever normal was for them now. Clarke could have stayed firm and said no, and she had been about to - no matter how good it felt when Lexa pressed against her, or how much Clarke returned the ferocity of her kisses - right up until Lexa said she only wanted a night with her. In that moment, Clarke could no longer hold on to the reasons for her resistance, her desire and curiosity too strong to be refused, her resistance swamped by the power of the sensations that were rushing through her. One night, something only the two of them would ever know and share and then they could move on from that mutual attraction and consider it done, that itch finally scratched.

They’d done that. A great day had been followed by an amazing night and now they could just take the memories from this and move on.

So why did Clarke find it so hard to get up out of the bed and leave like she knew she should?

She knew, deep within herself, that no matter how amazing sex with Lexa had been a relationship between them would still be a bad idea. All her experience with Finn had shown her that. What had started as fun and exciting, evolving out of all the time they spent together on the road, had gradually faded into routine and dullness as they spent all their time together. With no barriers between their personal and working lives, issues and problems had flowed back and forth between the two sides of their lives, curdling and festering when they were unable to resolve them. They’d fight and make up, scream out their problems in a way that felt cathartic but never solved anything, the two of them locked in a destructive cycle that continued until Clarke had finally had enough and walked out.

She looked over to where Lexa was lying next to her, curled up on one side and facing her, face soft and relaxed as her chest rose slowly in her sleep. Clarke wanted to imagine that they could make it work somehow, but all she could see was the fights and arguments she’d had with Finn repeating, only with Lexa on the other side of them this time. Somehow, just the idea of that felt even worse than the original experiences had been. The idea of having to lose Lexa in that way, that she could mess this up and not have her in her life was so painful it made the decision for her. Carefully, she lifted Lexa’s arm, sliding herself from under it, then gently lowering it to the mattress as she slipped from the bed, making sure not to wake her.

She slowly padded around the room in the half light of the early morning, slipping into some of her clothes, picking up others being careful not to walk into or stumble over anything. Pausing by the door, she checked she had her keycard, mentally rehearsing the few steps it would take to get from Lexa’s room to hers, listening to the corridor behind the door in case anyone was there that might see her.

“Don’t go.” Clarke almost gasped in shock as she heard Lexa’s muffled voice from the bed. She turned, wondering if she was imagining it but saw Lexa rolling over to face her, those green eyes Clarke had been gazing so deeply into a few hours ago now looking sleepily at her.

“I have to.” Clarke said. “We said one night and now it’s morning. Reality’s back.”

“It doesn’t have to be. Not yet.” As she’d moved to face Clarke, the sheet had slid off Lexa’s body, and Clarke was trying to keep her attention on her face, forgetting the memories of the night before that display was stirring.

“It does. If someone sees…”

“Is that all? Didn’t it mean anything to you?”

“Lexa, it meant…” _Everything_ , she wanted to say, but saying that would open too much and make it too hard to walk away. “It was not nothing. A long way from nothing. Please don’t make this hard for me.”

She wished she wasn’t looking at Lexa’s face, and feared it was a mirror of her own as sadness washed over it. “Go then. I’ll see you later.” She rolled over, looking away from Clarke. She wanted to go to her and try to make it right, but she knew anything she did at that moment would just add to their troubles, not take away from them. Feeling tears building in her eyes, she opened the door, glancing up and down the corridor. Seeing no one there, she slipped out of Lexa’s room and into her own, throwing the clothes she carried into a corner before falling onto the bed, trying and failing to hold back her tears.

* * *

“One thing lots of people have noticed is that not only do you write your own songs, they’re all credited to you as a group rather than individuals. Are they all collaborations between the five of you, or do you write them individually and then just do that so people don’t know who wrote what?”

“It’s the first.” Clarke said. “It’s not like every song is exactly one-fifth created by each of us, but each one is a collaboration between us all. Someone starts with an idea, someone else picks it up and adds something and by the time we’re done there’s usually bits of all of us in there so it would feel odd claiming that just one or two of us wrote any particular song.”

“It’s a lot less paperwork too.” Lexa added, drawing a smile from the interviewer. Clarke forced herself into a smile as well, glad that this one wasn’t being filmed.

She’d waited in her room until the last possible minute before coming down for that day’s round of media appearances not wanting to face Lexa or anyone else for longer than she had to. Lying on the bed there, she’d tried her best to not think about Lexa doing the same in the next room, wondering if there was any way she could get out of the day’s commitments, but the only way to do that would be to admit what had happened between them the night before and that felt as though it would be an even worse torture than what she was having to go through. The label had them in a conference room in the hotel for the day with a succession of journalists, photographers and camera operators from all across the media coming in to talk to them. There was a long corridor of similar rooms, each with a different act or artist in them doing the same, and the effect was like they were part of a bizarre version of speed dating, with the media trying to find their perfect musical match. It would have been a chore on any day, but in the past they’d found ways to make these things fun before, like answering on behalf of each other or challenging the other to drop random words or phrases into an answer at some point.

This was not one of those days. She hoped they were doing enough to hide it from the interviewers - and none of them had mentioned it or appeared to notice it - but there was a tension between her and Lexa she couldn’t ignore. Each time an interview finished and left them in the room, they found excuses to break apart and avoid each other until the next one turned up. Both of them seemed glad that Harper, one of Polaris’s PR team was usually there to act as an unwitting buffer between the two of them.

“And what’s coming up next? What’s in the future for you guys?”

Clarke paused for a moment, her mind jumping straight to _oh, I wish I knew, but we need to see what sort of mess we created last night_ before realising that wasn’t the future the interviewer wanted to know about, or could know about.

“We get a few days off, so we can take a break from all this.” Lexa said, jumping in to answer when Clarke was silent. “Then we’re headlining a tour for the first time, which is really exciting but also really scary.”

“Scary?”

“It’s the first time we’re the real focus of attention, and everyone’s going to be working for us to make it such a good show for our fans.” Lexa said. “It’s so beyond anything I’ve done before, it’s hard not to be a little scared. And that fear about whether people are going to actually turn up too, of course. But Clarke’s got more experience of it, so I’m sure she can help us understand how to deal with it and not do anything silly.”

“Definitely.” Clarke said. “But this is bigger than anything I’ve done before too, so we’re all learning together. I know it’s going to be great for the fans though.”

“Thanks, guys, I think I’ve got all I need and the photographer said he was happy with the shots he got earlier and last night. I can’t promise anything, but the editor’s been really big on you guys, so you’ve got a chance at a cover, but it’ll definitely be a few pages regardless. And hopefully, I’ll catch up with you again soon.”

“Thank you.” They both said, then looked to Harper when the journalist had left. “What’s next?” Lexa asked.

“That’s all of them for today. You’re done!” She said with a smile. “You were both really good, and I know we’ll get lots of good coverage from this.”

“Great.” Clarke said, risking a glance towards Lexa, wondering if one or both of them would bolt from the room or if one of them would get the courage to say _we should talk_ before they did.

“Oh, you should check your phones.” Harper said, pointing at the devices on the table where Clarke and Lexa had left them silenced. “They’ve both been flashing with messages for the last twenty minutes or so.”

Clarke picked her phone up and saw the usual bunch of notifications on her screen, including a whole lot of messages in the band’s group chat which she went straight to.

**Raven**

_Clarke, Lexa, where are you?_  
_You’re supposed to be done by now._  
_We’ve got news. Big news. Come downstairs and find us._  
_Downstairs in the hotel._  
_Are you there? Guys?_

**Anya**

_Raven’s worried you’ve muted her again._  
_Clarke, Lexa, there’s some news you’re going to want to hear._  
_This is genuine news, not just Raven having a really good pizza to share. At 3am._

**Raven**  
_It was good pizza, and you guys shouldn’t have put me on mute for it._

**Anya**

_Are you still doing interviews?_  
_Big news. Downstairs. Now, or whenever you’re done._  
_In the corner bar, you’ll see us._

**Marcus**

_Yes, this is actual news, not pizza._  
_And Raven has not stolen my phone to see if she’s blocked._

Lexa looked questioningly at her, obviously reading the same messages on her phone. “Should we go?” She asked.

“It’s probably the two of them cooking up something to wind us up, but sure, let’s get it over with.” Clarke said, part of her glad for the distraction. “Thank you Harper, you were really good today. Hope we see you again next time we’re doing this. Raven and Anya need us for something supposedly urgent, but call us if you need anything more, right?”

**Lexa**

_We’ve been doing interviews, didn’t have phones with us. On our way now._

They headed out of the room, and were soon descending the hotel’s main staircase into the lobby, looking around until they spotted the bar in the corner. Five familiar figures were sitting round a table, talking animatedly: Raven, Anya and Marcus had been joined by Octavia and Lincoln too.

“Any idea what’s going on?” Lexa asked.

“None whatsoever.” Clarke replied. As they approached the table, Raven spotted them, standing up to push chairs out for them.

“There you two are. We were planning search parties.” Raven said.

“We were just doing our jobs, literally just finished the last interview to find you blowing up our phones.” Clarke said.

“Now, what’s the news?” Lexa asked. Raven nodded to Octavia.

“It’s about us.” Octavia said, gesturing to Lincoln. “We got engaged today.”

“Oh my God, guys, that’s amazing.” Clarke said, jumping out of her seat to hug them both, quickly joined by the others. The stress she’d been feeling about the situation with Lexa faded, replaced with happiness at her friends’ news. “How did it happen? Who did the asking?”

“It was me.” Octavia said.

“I was planning on doing it when we got back, but she got there first.” Lincoln said.

“Come on, tell us the story now they’re here.” Anya said. “She gave us the news but not the details, we were waiting for you two to get here.”

“First of all, it was kind of spur of the moment, so there’s no rings until we get home.” Octavia said. “One of the reasons Linc came down for this gig was there’s a great MMA gym here and we both wanted to go and train there for a day.”

“Still kind of confused by the whole travelling hundreds of miles to have a fight with your partner thing.” Raven said, laughing.

“Don’t knock what works.” Octavia said. “Anyway, we were practising takedowns, and I was trying this move to bring him down which I just couldn’t get.”

“Isn’t that because he’s about double the size of you and constructed entirely from muscle?” Anya asked.

“Sure, and I wouldn’t normally fight someone his size, but this was about trying to use his size against him, but I couldn’t make it work.”

“And we’d been disagreeing all day over what we wanted to do tonight,” Lincoln continued, “so I said if she took me down the next time, I’d say yes to whatever she asked, because I didn’t think she’d manage it.”

“Which got me determined to make it work because I could see he was thinking that, so I put everything into it, really focused on it.”

“And two seconds later, she’s not only got me down, I’m pinned down by her and she’s grinning down at me.”

“You all know how I’ve been missing him, and I had a feeling he was going to ask me the question sometime soon anyway, and I figured as he’d promised to say yes to whatever I asked him, why not get ahead of him and ask it myself?”

“I’d have said yes even if I hadn’t promised to, you know.” Lincoln said, smiling as the two of them pressed closer together. “And you saved me from having to think of a memorable way to ask.”

“It’s definitely memorable.” Clarke said. “Congratulations, you guys. Any idea when you’re going to do it?”

“We’re playing in Vegas in a few weeks.” Raven said. “What? It’d be convenient.”

“I’m not having a quick wedding in Vegas, that much is for sure. It’ll be some time after this tour is ended, however long it goes on for, but one thing I do know is that as much as I love all four of you, after spending the next however many months with you all I don’t want you as my bridesmaids.”

“Oh thank God.” Anya laughed. “I was already thinking of excuses for getting out of it, and I doubt Lexa would ever do it again.”

“Again?” Octavia asked. “Lexa was a bridesmaid?”

“I was ten.” Lexa said. “Our aunt was getting married and everyone though I’d love to do it.”

“The dress was pink and frilly.” Anya said. “Her face wasn’t. Wait, I might-” She reached for her phone.

“Anya, if you have that picture on your phone, I just may have to kill you.”

“I’ll show you another time.” Anya said.

Before long, Marcus had got them several bottles of champagne to celebrate with, and the seven of them got through them all by the end of the evening. By the time it was done, Clarke had almost forgotten the stress she’d been feeling through the day.

* * *

A few hours later, Marcus had left them and the newly-engaged couple had headed to bed. Anya and Raven were wrangling more shots at the bar, leaving Clarke and Lexa alone together for the first time that night.

“We need to talk about last night.” Lexa said, and Clarke felt her heart sink.

“Do we?” She replied. “What’s it going to achieve?”

“I don’t know, but we need to clear the air between us. I don’t think either of us want another day like today, do we? We need to know where we are before we start the tour.”

Clarke sighed. She knew Lexa was right, but part of her had hoped she could somehow avoid having to face all the feelings and emotions last night had created in her. “OK. But we can’t really do it in front of those two, can we?”

“We’ve had too much to drink to do it now. We don’t fly out until the afternoon tomorrow. We’ve got the morning free, we can find somewhere private then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be warned, this chapter gets a bit angsty. (Edit: apparently my bad for 'Snyder's appears to be lower than some of my readers, so YMMV)
> 
> If you need something lighter, I wrote a one-shot about canon-ish Clarke and Lexa meeting various incarnations of the Doctor: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28859466

Lexa enjoyed seeing the city early in the morning. She’d slept well, but woken early feeling like a bundle of nervous energy which didn’t dissipate even after she’d tried to distract herself by packing up all her things ready for the journey home. Still needing to burn off some energy, she’d dressed as inconspicuously as she could in jeans and a plain shirt with her hair loosely piled up, and gone for a walk in the city wondering she could find somewhere she could meet with Clarke and have some space to themselves. Nowhere in or around the hotel was really that private, and anywhere they might have found there had the risk of Raven or Anya stumbling upon them, bringing questions she and Clarke didn’t have answers for.

She still didn’t have an answer to the question she’d been asking herself since she’d woken up the morning before: had sleeping with Clarke been a good or bad thing? On the physical level, it had definitely been a good thing, maybe even a wonderful thing, easily up there as one of the best sexual experiences of her life. The problem was that it wasn’t just a pleasurable one-night stand between strangers from which they could both go their separate ways, because there was so much more between the two of them than that. She could have just let Clarke sneak out like she’d clearly tried to - it wasn’t like Lexa hadn’t done that herself before in her college days - but she’d been selfish, wanting however much more time they could grab together before it absolutely had to end. Now she worried that her eagerness for a little more had broken what they had. The look Clarke had on her face just before she left made Lexa think more of the end of something, not the glimpse of a start she’d hoped it would be.

She watched the stores and businesses open up as she walked around, seeing the last few stop outs from the previous night’s parties mingling with the locals trying to get to work and go about their business as usual while the festival happened around them. Exploring the streets helped her to relax and calm down, making her feel ready to face talking with Clarke. She found a small park, where a clump of trees created a secluded space with a couple of benches in a corner. It felt like the right place, where it didn’t look like they’d be dealing with a constant flow of people while they talked. Lexa took her phone out to check for messages and found them from a few minutes before.

**Clarke**

_You up?_  
_Pretty sure no one else will be for a while, so now’s probably the best time if we’re doing this._

**Lexa**

_Have been for a while. Went for a walk._  
_Want to meet me here? I’ll send you the location._

**Clarke**

_Sure. Ten minutes? If I don’t get lost._  
_Is there a coffee shop near there?_

**Lexa**

_I saw a cart. I’ll get you one._

Waiting for drinks meant she wasn’t spending the time she was waiting for Clarke stressing out over what she was going to say when she got there. It was something mundane and practical to fill the time, and when she got back to the benches, she only had to wait a little longer for her to turn up.

“Hey.” Even with the time she’d used up, she’d still got too wrapped up in her thoughts in the few minutes she had alone to notice Clarke arriving. Lexa saw she’d done the same as her and dressed for minimal recognition, jeans and a dark blue jacket over a t-shirt, hair hidden under a cap. “Nice place. Quiet.” She took the coffee as Lexa offered it, then followed her to sit at either end of one of the benches. “How do we do this? What are we actually doing?”

“I think that’s what we’re here to find out. I guess I ought to just say it.” Lexa said. “It’s not the first time I’ve had something like this.”

“Something like what?”

“In college, there were a couple of times when I’d slept with girls I knew and we’d have a good time, then it would all be awkward after and then they’d realise they were just experimenting, but I was such a good friend for doing that with them but they’d thought about it and-”

“Lexa, stop. Do you really think that’s what it was for me? Look at me.” Lexa had been looking down towards the cup in her hand, and when she turned her head Clarke was looking indignantly at her. “Do you really think I’m straight or that it was just an experiment for me?”

“I don’t know, but it felt like those did. And I don’t think we’ve ever talked about you being straight or not”

“Maybe we should have, but in the absence of a time machine, we’ll have to do it now. I’m bi, Lex, you weren’t an experiment and I don’t regret it.”

Lexa looked at her, trying to process the shifting emotions on her face, wondering if she’d completely misunderstood and misjudged the whole thing. “But the way you left, it was like it was nothing to you, sneaking out before I woke up.”

“I told you it was not nothing to me. It was…” She paused, like she couldn’t get to the next word, “…it was a lot to me, definitely not nothing. It was just that for us, for everything, it felt like leaving was better than staying.”

“It felt like you couldn’t wait to leave, for it to be over.”

“Then I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to feel like that to you. I was just stuck in my head and all my baggage. Too many memories.”

“What memories?”

“Finn.” Clarke said. “I don’t mean you remind me of him because you absolutely don’t, it was waking up with you, like that, it reminded me of that whole situation about how I got together with him and how it poisoned everything around us when it went wrong.”

“Relationships suck.” Lexa said, remembering the times it had come up between them before, and starting to realise that maybe she hadn’t understood that Clarke had meant that more seriously than her.

“Exactly. And if it was just one night between us, that was fine, but if I stayed there past that night, it felt like I’d pushed it too far and was risking all that happening again. And I know that’s all my baggage, and I’ve got baggage piled up like a mountain, but it’s there.”

Lexa looked at Clarke, seeing her look more vulnerable and fragile than she’d ever known her to be. Her mind flashed back to the two of them sitting in her car in the rain all those months ago. “I think we both have baggage. I wasn’t thinking, we shouldn’t have tried to forget about it all even if it was just for one night. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you for it.”

“Lexa, we were both there, we both agreed to it, so either both of us or neither of us apologises for it. And the sex itself wasn’t the cause any of our problems, it’s what happened after.” Clarke said, pausing to sip her coffee before looking right at her. “This isn’t the time to go into details, but genuinely, there’s nothing about that part you need to apologise for.”

Lexa almost spluttered on her drink, and felt incredibly thankful she’d gone for tea instead of coffee because she wasn’t sure her heart could survive the double rush of caffeine and Clarke giving her a look like that whilst praising her sexual skills. “Um, and likewise. No complaints here.”

“We both wanted it and we both enjoyed it, right? So that’s one thing we got right, even if everything around it was a mess.”

Lexa felt an urge to get up and hug her, to tell her everything would be all right, just to feel Clarke against her again but she knew that wouldn’t help them resolve the situation between them. The knots of tension she’d been feeling earlier had faded somewhat, but they still weren’t on stable ground and she wondered if they ever could be again after what had happened between them. “We both made a mess of it. I should have just pretended to be asleep.”

“Then I could have sneaked out and we’d both pretend it never happened?”

“It would have been easier, wouldn’t it?” Lexa said, wondering if she could have done that, even if she had found the will to pretend she didn’t want Clarke to leave that morning.

“Would it?” Clarke asked. “Because there’s something between us, isn’t there? And it hasn’t disappeared because we slept together, it wasn’t just an itch we could scratch and be done with.”

“Was that what you were hoping it was?”

“I think there was part of me that wanted it to be.” Clarke said, looking down and away from Lexa. “And we both know where we are with getting what we want.”

Lexa felt the tension rise in her chest, her heart beating and her eyes watering. She looked away for a moment, trying to get herself under control. She wondered why she was doing this, why she was putting herself through this pain if forgetting all this was what Clarke wanted.

“Lexa.” She felt Clarke’s hand on her shoulder as she moved closer to her. “Part of me wanted that because the bigger part, the rest of me…” She trailed off.

Lexa turned her head to look at Clarke, seeing that she was looking up to the sky, trying to control herself. “What does the rest of you feel?”

She saw Clarke swallow, hard, and when she finally looked down to Lexa her eyes were rimmed with red. “The rest of me feels terrified.”

Lexa sat up, looking properly at her this time, seeing the genuine angst that was playing across her face, like she was on the verge of breaking down. “Clarke, no matter what else there is between us, I’m always your friend and I don’t want to see you like this if I can help. Why are you terrified?”

“Because if I mess all this up, I don’t know what I’ll do. And not just me and you, but everything. This band, the music, the friendships I have with the four of you? It’s the best and happiest thing I’ve ever done or had in my life. And if these feelings I have for you aren’t just some crush, aren’t just something I can resolve in a night, then I’m terrified that they could mean an end to all that because if I get this wrong then it’s not just about messing it up for us, is it? It’s about everyone else, and if we crash, they crash with us.”

Forgetting all her feelings for Clarke, Lexa could see that her friend was hurting, and that had to be the priority for her right now. She moved so she could put her arms around her and then just held her, feeling the tension in Clarke’s body, but also the way her arms looked around Lexa’s back as she clung to her.

“Remember when we were in my car and I was having a meltdown?” Lexa said. “And that time you held me and told me everything was going to be all right because you weren’t going anywhere. This is me returning the favour, because there’s absolutely no way I want any of this to end either so we’re going to sort this out, right? Together.”

She could feel Clarke relaxing and slowly loosening her grip around Lexa, letting her do the same as they carefully drew back from each other. This close, she could see the red rims around Clarke’s eyes so clearly, and assumed Clarke would be seeing similar around hers.

“I’m a mess.” Clarke said.

“You’re not, and I say that with authority as queen of the raccoon eyes.”

Clarke smiled faintly. “No, I’m a mess, not that I look a mess. Emotionally. I’ve only had one serious relationship in my life and that turned into such a disaster I walked out on everything I had to get away from it. Then the next time I meet someone I really like, I almost ruin everything about that because I have no clue what I’m doing. I’ve got s whole mountain of disaster blocking me, and no way to get round it.”

“Who was the next…” Lexa started saying and then saw the look in Clarke’s eyes as she started to work out the meaning of everything else she’d said. “Oh. Right. Clarke, you haven’t ruined everything, you’re not even close to doing that.”

“You’re sure about that? Because I did a pretty good job of it with my first relationship.”

“I’m sure. But Finn, that was your first relationship? Ever?”

“Well, not like my absolute first, but not far from that. I wasn’t exactly queen of the scene in high school, I was the weird kid with the dead dad who hung out with the freaky genius girl, then suddenly they’re telling me I’m a rock star and I have to remember to look at the audience when I’m on stage and not stare at my shoes. I wasn’t really high on anyone’s list for potential dates and relationships until I was in a world where no one had much time for all that. I kind of taught myself to be a performer but I think I’m still learning to be me, if that makes sense.”

“It does, it makes a lot of sense.” Things were clicking together in Lexa’s mind, remembering how she’d seen the difference between Clarke the person and Clarke the performer, but now seeing what lay beneath them both. “We all look to you because you’ve got the experience of being in this life, but it’s a bubble, isn’t it?”

“Exactly, and it’s fun and amazing and everything you dream of, but there are times I realise all the things I missed. It’s not like I was a child star or something like that so I still have some normal experiences, But when it comes to healthy relationships and adult life skills, you’re way ahead of me.”

“Not that far. I moped like a teenager for ages after Costia left.”

“Far enough, though.” Clarke said. Her voice was wavering less now, like she was working things out and becoming more certain in herself.

“Far enough for what?”

“For me to need to learn to let go of my fears and find a way through that mountain before we can be more than just one night.”

Lexa looked at Clarke, trying to quell the surge of hope she felt in her, not wanting to be overwhelmed by the possibility that seemed to be on offer. “Do you think you can do that? That we can be that?”

“I don’t know, but I want to, and I really hope I’m not projecting too much in hoping you want that too.”

“I do.” Lexa said. “But when you’re ready, we don’t need to rush this.”

“Lexa, it’s taken us a year to get this far, we’re definitely not rushing anything. But we know we can’t put whatever it is between us behind us and forget about it, so we either have to ignore it, which is not going to be good, or find a way to make it work.” Clarke smiled at her, her face looking relaxed. “And so the best option for us is seeing if we can make it work, right?”

“Yes.” Lexa said. Saying that felt like she’d made a commitment, and a good one. “What are we going to say to the others?”

“Are you OK with just keeping this between us for now? If we don’t really know what it is or what we’re doing, it’s going to be way too stressful to try explaining we do to them too.”

Lexa nodded. “That makes sense. And the last few weeks have been pretty intense, we probably need to spend the next few days doing our own thing, then we’re back to work.”

Clarke let out a long breath in what sounded like relief. “Oh God, I’m glad you said that. I was thinking the same thing but I couldn’t work out how to say it that didn’t sound like I was telling you to go away and leave me alone.”

Lexa grinned. “Like you’re going to get rid of me that easily. I had no idea where we were going to end up when I suggested this, but I’m glad we did it. We’re in a much better place than I was expecting.”

“I really wasn’t sure I wanted to come here today, to talk like this. I was sure I’d messed everything up when I left.”

“Hey, I thought I’d messed it up before that, we both needed this. So what do we do now?”

“Right now?” Clarke said. “I’m hungry and I’m almost out of coffee, which means we need to go find breakfast.”

Lexa laughed. “Whatever happens, I will promise you one thing. I will never get between you and coffee in the morning. It’s far too dangerous a place to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed part of a line from this song: One Day You Will Teach Me To Let Go Of My Fears https://youtu.be/iT1_Dc1zodM so consider that the soundtrack to this chapter  
> Other music, asks and whatever else here https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, double landmark: 10,000 hits and 300 kudos! Thank you all for your support, encouragement, comments and everything else while I've been writing this. We've still got a way to go - I can see the route to the finish, but if there's one thing writing this has taught me, it's that I'm terrible at estimating the time it will take me to get there!

It felt strange for Clarke to be back home, and part of that was because it actually did feel like home to her again. When she’d come back there after she’d walked out on the Delinquents it was because she couldn’t think of anywhere else to go, and it had been the only option she had left to go to while she worked out what she was going to do with her life. It hadn’t felt like coming home back then, just a bolthole until she moved on to whatever came next, but the longer she’d spent there the more it had become her home again. When she’d first come back, her room had been pretty much as it had been when she’d left home at eighteen, changed little during her occasional and fleeting visits back, but over the past year it had gradually evolved into looking like a place where an adult lived, not a teenager. Sometimes, she’d remember the discussion they had with Becca, and wonder how many of the interviewers they talked to actually realised she was still living in her childhood home with her mother and a makeshift studio downstairs, that it hadn’t just been a stopover for her on the way back to her old life. She felt connected to things again, grounded in a reality where things could make sense for her.

They’d lived in that house since Clarke was six, and she remembered being amazed by the size of the new house, compared to the apartment they’d moved from, and overwhelmed by the idea that she now had a garden entirely her own. There were lots of memories here for her, like the happy places where she’d ‘helped’ her father with repairs and improvements until he found something else to distract her, and the sadder ones where it had been so quiet and empty for just the two of them after the funeral when all the friends and family had left. His death had been an accident, so the memories of him around the house were the positive and happy ones, but his passing had left a gap that the two of them had never quite been able to fill. She’d run away from that hole, but now she was glad her mother had stayed here, waiting for the time when they might be able to fill it, even if getting there had been a long journey for both of them.

She’d had the house to herself since she’d got back the night before as her mom was pulling a long night shift at the hospital. Clarke had spent the morning down in the basement, sketching in her note book and looking over some of the ideas for lyrics they hadn’t used on the album, thinking about which ones they might use for the next one. The book wasn’t every piece of writing and thinking she’d done, there were a lot of sheets of paper still scattered around the basement that proved that, but she’d used it to keep track of the ones where she’d had the germ of an idea but still didn’t know where it would lead her. It was also, as she was discovering looking through it, where she’d drawn a lot of sketches of Lexa. She hadn’t noticed at the time, as idly drawing what was going on in the basement, the rehearsal room or the studio was one of the ways she relaxed during sessions, but seeing them all together showed her that while she’d not completely ignored the other three, a woman with long hair and a guitar was the most common illustration in the book. They dated back a long time, even before she’d started to accept and understand what she’d been feeling, but it looked like her subconscious mind had been blazing a trail long before the rest of her had felt ready to follow.

The sound of a car pulling up outside broke her train of thought. She headed upstairs, getting to the main hallway just as her mom was coming in the front door.

“Hi.” She said.

“Hi.” Abby said. “Sorry I couldn’t be here when you got home, I had to monitor a couple of patients, and the ER needed some cover.”

“Don’t worry.” Clarke said. “I literally went straight to bed as soon as I got in, so you’d only have got a few grunts from me anyway.”

“I’m used to that.” She replied with a smile, closing the gap between them and giving Clarke a hug.

Clarke hugged her back, then noticed a rich, warm and very familiar scent coming from one of the bags her mother was holding. “Is that…?”

Abby nodded. “I don’t know if you’re hungry, but I stopped in at Green’s in town on the way back and picked up a couple of sandwiches. I mean, I could probably eat them both, but-”

“The meatball ones?” Clarke asked, remembering the many times in her youth she’d had htem.

“Of course.”

“You sit down, and I’ll get us some plates.”

They sat at the kitchen table to eat, a reminder of the many times they’d done this over the years, and every one of them had ended with her fingers covered in marinara sauce, no matter how hard she tried to avoid it. They were good memories, and it was one tradition that they had continued after her dad’s death, the familiarity of it all giving Clarke the confidence for what she needed to do next.

“There’s something I need to tell you.” She said.

“Is something wrong?” Abby asked.

“No, absolutely not. Life is great, the band is great, we’re ridiculously busy and these are the last days off I’m likely to have in forever but things are really good.”

“So what’s the news?”

Clarke took a deep breath, even though she felt a lot calmer than she’d expected. “I’m bi.” She said, then felt confused when her mom merely looked at her expectantly. “I’m bisexual, that’s it, that’s what I need to tell you.”

“Oh.” Abby said. “I’m sorry, I thought you were about to say something more there, I didn’t want to talk over you.” She smiled, looking straight at Clarke. “Thank you. For telling me. For trusting me, and you know I’ll support you whatever, right?”

“I do, but you don’t seem surprised. And what were you expecting me to say?”

“I guess I always had an idea that you were, it was just up to you to tell me when you were ready if you felt you needed to.” She said. “And it’s not like we’ve talked about relationships much over the last few years, so I thought you were telling me it now because you were dating… someone.”

Clarke noticed the pause at the end of what her mom had said, wondering what she might have picked up on. “It’s complicated.”

“I’m here if you want to talk about it, about whoever they are. I know we didn’t before, but maybe we should have, and I want to help you now if I can.”

“There is someone and we’re not dating but we’re not _not_ dating. I really like her, but I’m worried I might mess it all up.”

“Being worried about messing up isn’t unusual. It pretty much goes with having feelings for someone. Can I ask who she is? You don’t have to tell me who it is if you don’t want to.”

This time, Clarke did feel the nerves. It would be the first time she’d talked about her to another person, and that would make it more real. “It’s Lexa.” She watched her mother’s reaction, saw her eyebrows raise a little but otherwise remain quite calm. “And again you don’t look too surprised.”

“I have ears and eyes, Clarke, and I’m your mother, it’s my job to notice things about you.”

“Things about me and Lexa?”

“Just about every time you’ve called me over the last few months you’ve mentioned her. You don’t talk about her the way you talk about Raven or Octavia or Anya, and sometimes when you two look at each other, I can see something there. My surprise was about whether you were going to actually say her name or not, and if I’d have to pretend I didn’t have a good idea who you were talking about.”

“Oh.” Clarke said. “Is it really obvious? Because we’re not ready for anyone else to know about it yet.”

“It was to me once I noticed the way you talked about her, but you probably don’t talk to anyone else the way you talk to me, do you? It was something I thought was possible, I didn’t know it was actually there until now. Has Raven said anything to you about it?”

“Raven? Why would she? You haven’t said something to her, have you?”

“Oh no, of course not.” Abby said. “And I promise this is just between us, but she’s your best friend, she knows you better than anyone and there’s usually nothing that stops her saying exactly what she’s thinking. If she thought something was happening, wouldn’t you expect her to say something?”

Clarke laughed. “That’s true.”

“But you’re taking it slow?”

“We are. Mostly. We-”

“Clarke, while I love you and support you, I do not need the detail.”

“That might have been a bit much.” Clarke said. “We kind of jumped to something important and then had to unpick how we feel about it, but it’s slow because of me. I keep remembering how everything ended with Finn, and I’m scared this will end the same way if it doesn’t work out. All this we’ve got now, it means so much to me and I don’t think I could take it ending again.”

“I get it, you’re worried about history repeating. But what happens if it does work out?” Abby asked.

Clarke paused, looking at her and trying to think through that question. “I…I don’t know.”

“So you’ve thought about what might happen if it goes wrong, but not if it goes right?

“Yeah, I guess I have.”

“I think this is your problem. You like her, don’t you?”

“Yes, obviously.”

“And you want to be with her? And actually be in a relationship with her?”

“Yes, I do.”

“And you want your career to go on, to still be in the band with her?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then why are you thinking about all of the things that can go wrong and not working out how to make things go right?”

“Oh.” Clarke said. “I hadn’t though of that.”

“I understand things went wrong with Finn. I know I wasn’t there for you, and the last thing I want is you holing up here for months to get away from the world again, but you can’t assume everything is going to fail before it even happens.”

“It just scares me, you know? The though of everything going wrong.”

“I know. Do you know what scares me?” Abby said. “Performing surgery. Every time I go into theatre, there’s a list in my head of everything that could go wrong and all the consequences if they do go wrong.”

“But you still do it.” Clarke said.

“I do, because there’s something good at the end of it that’s worth taking those risks for, and if things do go wrong, I’m prepared for them. But the risks aren’t the reason I’m there, I’m there to get to that reward at the end. If you only let the risks occupy your mind, you end up not doing anything at all and then everyone loses out.”

Clarke thought it over. “I told her I want to try, I just need to get over all these fears about it going wrong before I can.”

“Have you thought that maybe you don’t need to get over them? There’s nothing wrong with a little fear if it’s about something reasonable. It never entirely goes away. Perhaps you need to balance them, manage them, think more on the good things you could have if you do try.”

“That’s a good way to think about it.” Clarke said, mulling over the things they’d said. “Thank you, this has really helped. It’s good to talk to someone about it, I can’t really talk to Raven about it right now.”

Abby nodded. “I understand, and it’s entirely between me and you until you’re ready for anyone else to know. But be careful, you shouldn’t keep secrets too long.”

“Especially from Raven.” Clarke said.

“Yes, especially from her.” Abby paused, looking uncomfortable for a moment. “Which means I guess there’s something I should tell you about what I’ve been doing. Dating.”

“I do know you date, mom. I’ve not been thinking you’ve been living like a nun for the last few years, I just never needed the details. Is it something serious?”

“It’s a guy I’ve known for a while. Not from work, but we’ve been talking a lot recently and he asked if I’d want to go on a date with him sometime.”

“OK, I don’t get where the secret is.”

“It’s not a secret, more that it might be complicated.”

Clarke could see she was nervous, but it just made her feel even more confused. “Why?”

“It’s Marcus.”

“Marcus? As in our manager Marcus?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Clarke felt surprise, but not shock. She’d seen them talking together several times, but now the idea was there, she could see why that might lead to something between them. “He’s a nice guy.”

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you. I like him, we get on, but I really don’t want to make things awkward for you if we do. It’s not like I’ll be hanging out with him on tour with you guys, I’m not even sure if we can fit things in around our schedules anyway.”

“I understand, and I don’t have a problem with it. It’s a bit weird, but a good weird, not bad weird.”

“So I can tell him yes.”

“Of course you can, though I might want to give him the talk at some point.” Clarke laughed, imagining how awkward that would be for both of them. “And we’ll have to tell the others so it doesn’t get too weird, so Raven might give him the talk too when she knows.”

* * *

Clarke lay in bed, thinking over the day. She hadn’t done much with it and had barely left the house, but it had felt good to spend a day doing nothing as she recharged for the future. It had felt good to talk with her mom about everything, but now she felt the need to share that with the only person she could.

**Clarke**  
_Hey, you up?_  
_I know I said we needed some space but got some news._

**Lexa**  
_Just. In bed. Long day, visiting my parents._  
_Texting is fine. Anyway, you made the rules, you can bend them._

**Clarke**  
_Everything OK?_  
_I don’t think you’d have made a very good lawyer if you think that about rules._

**Lexa**  
_Yeah, they’re just a bit…intense sometimes._  
_How’s your mom?_

**Clarke**  
_She’s good. We talked a lot, which I’m still getting used to._  
_And I came out to her, which she was totally “oh I always knew” cool with._

**Lexa**  
_Well done you! Glad it went well for you._

**Clarke**  
_And… I talked to her about me and you, which really helped._  
_Hope that doesn’t freak you out._

**Lexa**  
_It absolutely doesn’t. I’m glad you did if it helped._

**Clarke**  
_It really did. I’ll tell you about it next week._  
_And the big news, before I fall asleep…_  
_Marcus has asked my mom out on a date._

**Lexa**  
_Really? That’s…_  
_That actually kind of makes sense, doesn’t it?_

**Clarke**  
_It does. Still weird though._  
_But that’s a secret for now, so pretend you don’t know when he tells you guys._

**Lexa**  
_Will do._  
_Really need to sleep now, though._

Clarke  
_I know, me too. Pro tip: get all you can now, the tour’s going to be pretty tough on us all._  
_Night x_

**Lexa**  
_X_

Clarke smiled to herself as she turned off her phone. It felt good to be home this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case it's not clear, this is taking place at the same time as the previous chapter.  
> And I realised I hadn't named where they were from, but all will be revealed in this chapter if that's something you were waiting for.

The apartment didn’t feel like home any more, and Lexa wondered if it ever really had. It had never been just hers, but she’d stayed on there after Costia left initially believing that maybe she might come back, but after that she held on to it out of stubbornness, refusing to give up the place even when she could barely afford the rent on her own. She didn’t want to have to downsize to a smaller place because of what someone else had done, especially when that apartment had been part of their upward rise towards fame. It had symbolised a lot and if she’d given it up, it would have been admitting that she was giving up all those dreams and might as well just submit the law school application and be done with it.

Now she had all the fame and more that she’d dreamed of back then and was standing on the verge of what felt like an even better relationship, but still the apartment felt like a place she was just present in for a while, rather than being her home. She was there because she had to be somewhere for the few days she had off until they headed off to get ready for the tour, but she hadn’t felt any special joy at getting back there the night before, or on waking up there in the morning. Now she was back in it, it didn’t feel any different from the succession of hotel rooms she’d woken up in over the last few weeks, just another welcome bed at the end of a long day’s travelling. She slept well, but waking up the next morning didn’t fill her with any great relief at being home or at slotting back into any familiar routines she had about the place.

She still lay in bed for a while, enjoying the lack of demands upon her time until she remembered that she and Anya had agreed to head out to Polis to see their parents, sharing the drive back to the small town they’d grown up in. That was somewhere that had been a home - the first home she’d ever known just when she was getting old enough to think that maybe she would never find one - but now it had changed as her life was moved on. Their parents had always been clear to her and Anya that they never expected them to limit their horizons to the boundaries of their home town, and they’d encouraged them to get out into the world and spread their wings. When they went back like this it was a return home, but never a permanent one, merely a visit.

Anya picked her up from her apartment and soon they were following the regular pattern of roads out from the city into the country, buildings giving way to trees and farms as they got further out from Arkadia. Lexa knew she must have made this journey when she was moved from the group home to live with Gustus and Indra, but she could never remember it. Sometimes, she could recall so little of the eight years before she’d arrived there that it often felt like she’d been born there and then on that little stone pathway that led from the sidewalk to the front door. She could remember feeling nervous as she held the social worker’s hand, seeing the couple smiling outside the door as they waited for her to reach them, then the tall girl who’d been standing next to them moving away from them and loping down the path towards her before engulfing her in a hug.

“It’s all right. You’re going to be safe here.” Anya had said to her, and by the time they’d untangled them and her new foster parents had apologised for their daughter’s over-exuberance, her hand had moved from the social worker’s grasp to Anya’s.

As they pulled up outside, the house looked as it had that day, nestled amongst trees that were now fifteen years taller and shading more of the garden that looped around her old home. Their parents - and it had taken her a while to understand how that was a word on its own without ‘foster’ permanently attached - weren’t waiting on the doorstep for them, but the memory of them waiting for her there would always float to the front of her mind when she pulled up outside it.

“We’re here!” Anya called out as she opened the front door. Lexa could hear two different pieces of music drifting through the house as they stepped inside, one of them shutting off as Indra stepped out of the living room, smiling when she saw them, then hugging and welcoming them. Following her through to the living room, the scene was just as Lexa remembered it, a small pile of papers on the table comprised her mother’s weekend reading from her work as Polis’s city manager. That small pile of end-of-week reports was the only part of her work she’d bring home with her, and even when Lexa and Anya had been in the busiest and most parental time-consuming parts of their youth, she’d always find the time to read each of them ready for Monday morning. She’d turned off whatever she was listening to, allowing the other strain to echo without interference.

“The Eroica?” Lexa said, finally recognising it. “He’s got a lot of marking to do?” Gustus was a high school teacher, running Polis Hugh School’s music department but also covering just about every other subject when needed, which was often. The sounds of Beethoven meant he was trying to focus on marking students’ work, and he’d long proclaimed the old German made the process much more efficient than any other composer.

“He said he’d be done by the time you two got here. Can you go tell him you’re here? He probably didn’t hear you arrive.”

“Sure.” Lexa said, heading through the house to the small room they’d grandiosely called the study despite the fact they’d run out of room to put anything more in there than a set of shelves, a desk and a chair. The door was slightly ajar, and she could see him muttering corrections to himself as he wrote in red ink on a student’s paper. “Hey dad.” She said, knocking lightly on the door.

He looked up, smiling as he saw her there. “Lexa! Just a moment.” He turned back to the paper, writing on the last few comments then a final circled B before he put it on top of the stack, the table now clear as he sat back. “I’m sorry, I thought I’d be done before you got here.” He stood up, beckoning her in for a hug. “I’ve got a lot more students doing music this year, a lot more papers to mark.”

“Really?” Lexa asked. “Why’s that?”

“Because of you two. Some of them are there because they think you’ll come and visit, but most of them are wanting to be like you. You and your sister are our most famous alumni now, where is she?”

“Anya’s with mom, they sent me to come get you if you’re done.”

“I am, and even if I wasn’t, it could wait. We want to hear all about everything you two have been up to.”

Lexa smiled, and prepared herself for a long day. She loved her parents and the fact they were so invested in their daughters’ lives and supportive of them but in practice that interest often felt very intense. Now that both their lives were in music, it was even harder to change the subject to something technical and hope they’d get bored of asking about it. While neither of them had dreams of fame and stardom, their long experience and involvement in music - they’d met through their membership of a local amateur choir soon after Gustus had moved to Polis - meant that questions about the places they’d been, the shows they’d played and the people they’d met were soon followed by lots of questions about the songs themselves, feeding their parents’ curiosity about how they wrote them and what had influenced the music. Their musical tastes tended more to the classical than the contemporary, and Lexa enjoyed the way her father had listened closely to their songs to identify some parts where she had been using some of the techniques he taught her.

By the time Lexa was driving them back to Arkadia that night, her brain was buzzing more than it was after a day of press interviews. As the highway miles passed by, she found herself thinking about how it would feel taking Clarke there to meet them, then realising she’d never done that with Costia in all the time they were together. Costia had met her parents, but always when they were in Arkadia to see her and Anya. She’d never expressed an interest - though, Lexa admitted as she thought, she had never offered either - to come back with her on one of her visits to see them. It felt odd thinking that, given that she and Clarke were still working out just what they were, but it also felt right.

“-and how much trouble would I get in if I hacked into their site and changed the results?” Anya said.

“Sorry, what?” Lexa said, realising she’d not been paying attention to what Anya was saying for a while.

“This site and their ‘which member of Onecrew are you?’ quiz. I took it and apparently I’m Raven who is, and I quote, ‘the cool genius’.”

“And you’re sure she didn’t write this quiz herself? What are you?”

“I don’t know, I’ve only managed to get Raven so far. Looks like I can’t get me until I learn how to answer the questions in a way that’s completely not me.”

“How did you find it? Are you looking through the fan sites to see what they’re saying?”

“Nope, this is a proper site. Well, one that has a shimmer of real news to pretend it’s not all celebrity gossip and pointless quizzes that are clearly based on bad data. Are you kidding me?” She shouted at her phone. “This time it says I’m O ‘the fierce warrior’.”

“Which is a fair description.” Lexa said.

“I’m not quibbling with the descriptions, I just want to know how I get to be me.”

“Do you ever stop and think about how weird our lives are?” Lexa asked.

“Only at times like this, when it seems I’m not allowed to be myself. Why?” She turned to look at Lexa. “You’re all right, aren’t you?”

“I’m fine, think I’m still just decompressing from everything, realising this is my life now. My place just felt strange when I got back, there’s a lot changing.” Lexa said. “I think talking about it with mom and dad made me realise how far we’ve come and all we’ve done.”

“It’s what we wanted, though.” Anya said.

“Oh, it is. I’m not flaking out, just the scale of it all amazes me sometime.”

“I know, but embrace it while we’ve got it, and if your place feels weird, remember you’re only there for a few more days till we head out again. Change is good, right?”

“Change is good.” Lexa agreed.

* * *

The apartment still didn’t feel like home when she got back, but she was too tired to think about it properly, putting it off to the next morning. She crashed into bed, noticing her phone was lit up with a message just before she turned off all the lights. For a moment she assumed it would be Anya, either celebrating finding the right answers to get herself in the quiz or sending Lexa the link for it, and she almost turned it off until she noticed Clarke’s name at the top of the message. For a moment Lexa argued with herself about whether to open it, her brain suddenly full of thoughts about it being _hey, after a day on my own I’ve realised I was experimenting_ and not wanting to read that, but then she told herself that even if it was that, there was no way she was going to sleep with an unread message from Clarke sitting on her phone, so she needed to check it.

The nerves dissipated pretty quickly once the messages between them started flying back and forth, and the fact Clarke hadn’t been worried about sharing her news with her made Lexa feel good. She’d been replaying their conversation the other day over and over in her head since they’d had it, each time reassuring herself that they had agreed to try this together, excited by the possibilities that were opening up. Lexa felt a little guilty that she hadn’t been able to talk about Clarke to her family the way it seemed Clarke had talked about her to her mother, but telling them meant telling Anya, and telling her meant telling Raven and O, and it would be hard to let the others know what she and Clarke were doing when they didn’t even have a name or a label for it themselves.  
Even the rush of talking with Clarke again wasn’t enough to hold back the wave of sleep and she’d reluctantly brought the conversation to an end when she felt her eyes getting almost too heavy to keep open. She was drifting off to sleep moments later, and even if the apartment didn’t feel like home, Lexa felt good about where she was going.

* * *

The next day she woke late with a question burning in her mind.

_If this isn’t home, why do I have to stay here?_

Lexa knew the answer as soon as she asked it to herself, but she still took her time to be sure before making that final commitment. She carefully walked around the apartment for a while, taking note of all the different spaces, asking herself if there was anything about it she’d miss if she never saw it again. The possessions she had in it were important to her, but the place itself was not. For months, she’d been paying rent on it and barely using it and even though she still had her signing bonus burning away in her bank account doing pretty much nothing, it felt like she was wasting money on something she no longer wanted and no longer had a reason to keep going.

It took several phone calls and a large amount of boxes, but a few days later when she walked out of the apartment on the way to jump in the cab for the airport she didn’t stop to look back and felt good to leave it behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twenty-five chapters! I'm looking back at me from a few months ago who thought I could tell this in seven or so and laughing. I have a feeling it's going to end up taking thirty-something chapters in the end, but please don't hold me to that...

“You did what?” Clarke asked.

“I moved out of my apartment. I mean, I gave notice on my apartment, it’s technically still mine till the end of the month, but all my things are now in boxes waiting for movers to pick them up and put them into storage.” Lexa said.

“And you haven’t got a new apartment lined up?”

“Not yet, no.”

“So where are you going to go?”

“We’re going to be on tour and living in hotels for a while. My mail’s all redirected to my parents, I can find a new place in Arkadia easily enough when we’re done.” Lexa shrugged. “It just felt right, I didn’t like that place. I’m not the only person to give up an apartment, am I?”

“No, but I-” Clarke paused herself and took a breath, relieved that Lexa had said she was staying in Arkadia. “I wasn’t in a good place when I did it.”

“I know.” Lexa said, and Clarke felt her take her hand and squeeze it. “That’s why I wanted to tell you before everyone else. I’m just moving out of the place I lived with Costia because I’m over with that part of my life.”

“It’s not the most conventional way of moving.”

“We don’t live conventional lives. But don’t worry, I’m not running off anywhere else.”

The two of them were waiting in the departure section of Arkadia’s airport, waiting for Raven to come through security. Clarke and her had got here early for their flight out to the west coast, and Lexa had arrived in the check-in queue not long after them. The tour wouldn’t start for another couple of weeks, but they were going to make every effort to ensure it would be flawless, spending time in rehearsals beforehand both to hone their set list and to get know and get used to working with the crew they’d be working with for it. Even though the others looked to her for her experience of the music industry, this was way beyond anything Clarke had experienced before. While they weren’t quite selling out full arenas yet, they’d be performing in places much bigger than anything she’d done on a regular basis before.

She should have felt nervous, but talking and feeling the way Lexa’s hand gripped hers was grounding her and reassuring her that everything was going to work out. “That’s true. And us?” She asked, her fingers playing with Lexa’s.

“Also not conventional, but we’re good. Talk more tonight?”

“Yes.” Clarke said, feeling their fingers move apart as she spotted Raven emerging from security and heading towards them. “Anyway, what did you think of the dance routine idea?”

“Dance routine?” Lexa asked, suddenly looking bewildered. “What dance routine?”

“Oh, you must have missed the email when you were packing. We need to fill some more time in our performance, so Marcus suggested we add in a dance section. Hey, Raven, Lexa’s not heard about the dance routine.”

“I swear I’m going to get so famous they name that security check zone after me.” Raven said. “I’ve been through there so many times I know the guards by name and they know my hip’s bionic, but they keep stopping me.”

“Raven, you have titanium screws in your hip, it’s not bionic.” Clarke said.

“Your mother - an actual doctor, I remind you - assured me that I was definitely part machine now. So hell yes, I’m bionic.” Raven said.

“I’m sure she did, but you were fourteen at the time, maybe she didn’t actually mean it. And have you considered that the reason it takes you so long to get through security isn’t that, but because your carry-on has two laptops and a bunch of other electronics that they have to check every time we fly anywhere?” Clarke asked.

“Details, details.”

“Guys, what dance routine are you talking about? No one has told me anything.”

Raven glanced at Clarke and raised an eyebrow then turned back to Lexa. “You didn’t get the email?”

“I did not get the email.” Lexa said.

“Turns out Murphy and Emori know a group of Vegas showgirls who are out of work, so they’re going to join us and come on during one of your solos. Marcus suggested doing it during Pressure, but I think Unity would be better and oh my God you should see your face right now, I can’t believe you fell for that!” Raven almost doubled over laughing as Clarke finally let the stony face she’d been desperately holding break and join her.

Lexa looked at the two of them for a moment, then her face broke into a smile. “Idiots. Both of you.”

“We are. But you believed us.” Raven said, slowly standing up straight.

“We came up with it in the cab coming here.” Clarke said. “It wasn’t specifically about you, we just thought it would be fun to try on someone and you were here first.”

“It’s all right, I’m just annoyed I didn’t think of something like it first.” Lexa said. “And I do reserve the right to get you back at some point in the future.”

“Try your best, you’ll never catch me out.” Raven said, giving Lexa a dramatic stare.

Lexa stared back at her with the sort of hard gaze that made several armadas of butterflies take flight in Clarke’s chest. “Challenge accepted, Miss Reyes.”

“OK, before you two get into a deathmatch and get us thrown out of here, how long till Anya and O get here?” Clarke said.

“What’s the last possible time to check in?” Raven asked. “Because Octavia is going to be spending every last minute she can with Lincoln up to then.”

“And Anya will turn up pretty close to then too, and swan through like there’s absolutely nothing wrong.” Lexa said.

Raven had her phone out, and looked up from it. “Just texted them to say we’re here.”

“Why did we get here so early?” Clarke asked, looking up at the departure screens. “We’ve got at least ninety minutes to wait.”

“Because I have to get my metal ass through security, you were ready to leave on time for what might be the first time ever, and Lexa is freakishly well-organised.” Raven said. “Oh, and someone in management likes us because we’re flying first class and I say we find out what the executive lounge is like.”

* * *

“I think I was expecting more than this.” Raven said. “Suave businessmen drinking martinis, waiters circulating with trays of fancy appetisers and all that sort of thing.”

“You were expecting the 1960s, you mean.” Clarke said. “We get a tray of stale pastries, a coffee machine and chairs you can actually sit in for more than ten minutes.”

“And how many people actually fly first class out of Arkadia?” Lexa asked. “We’re the only people in here. I’m amazed they still have it.”

Clarke was trying not to feel too self-conscious as they sat there. The room was definitely not the one of Raven’s dreams, but she’d spent enough time waiting in busy airports while on tour that she could appreciate a bit of peace and comfort. She was also enjoying being with Lexa again, even if she was sitting tantalisingly close but out of reach because of Raven’s presence. She’d told Raven that she’d just woken up early, so was ready to leave as soon as the cab had turned up for them. She’d left out that she’d woken up early intentionally, feeling excited at the prospect of seeing Lexa after a few days of writing and thinking about the possibility of their relationship, and she was wanting to spend more time with her, even though they’d only had a few days apart.

“The eye of the hurricane is here!” Clarke heard the shout from the entrance and looked to see Anya walking towards them.

“Hurricane?” She asked, as she saw Lexa rolling her eyes.

“Anya found a quiz about us online. I think she finally found the answers to get herself. She didn’t tell you guys?” Lexa said.

Clarke and Raven shook their heads.

“Because I wanted to be the one who told them their new titles.” Anya said. “To be used at all times, eventually replacing your actual names. I might get some t-shirts made.”

“I’m feeling very confused here.” Raven said. “What weird Woods thing are you two talking about?”

“ _Answer these questions and we’ll tell you which member of the hottest new group you’re most like_.” Anya read from her phone. “Which is complete crap, because I kept being told I was a cool genius, which is obviously true, but that made me most like you, which is obviously wrong. But finally, after answering in a way that really wasn’t me, I discovered they think I’m the eye of the hurricane, the calm at the centre of all your chaos.”

“So you’re happy with that?” Lexa asked.

“I can live with it. Means wherever I go, the chaos is only just behind me.”

“And the rest of us?” Clarke asked. “Did you find those out?”

“You’re the rock princess, ready to be the queen, O is the fierce warrior, and I don’t think any of us will disagree with that while my sister here-”

“Please don’t say it if it’s embarrassing.” Lexa said.

“-is, when I finally managed to get the right set of answers, apparently the commander.”

“Were they looking at my notes?” Clarke said.

“Excuse me?” Raven said, looking at her curiously. “What’s in your notes?”

“I’ve got ‘Commander’ as a song title for something in progress, that’s all. It’s not like, about Lexa or anything like that.”

“Didn’t say it was.” Raven said, still looking at her for a moment, then leaning back in her chair. “But it all sounds freakishly accurate.”

“Good.” Lexa said. “Does that mean I can command one of you to fetch me more coffee?”

* * *

“Back in a minute.” Raven said, as Clarke moved herself into her seat on the plane. Their seats had ended up scattered over the first class cabin, Clarke and Raven in two adjoining seats on one side, while Lexa, Anya, and Octavia were over on the other side, a few much more respectable-looking passenger in suits scattered in the seats between them. Clarke focused on getting comfortable for the flight in her seat, marvelling at the fact she could actually stretch out and move on a plane for once. After a while, she noticed a figure standing by the other seat. “You need to just sit down for a few minutes, Raven, they won’t take off until you do.”

“She’s already sat down.” Lexa said. “Said she needed to swap seats with me as she had something to discuss with the rhythm section.”

“I think we might have let her have too much coffee.” Clarke said. “She’s being weird today. So I guess you need to sit down.” She smiled at Lexa, then glanced past her to the other side where Raven was now kneeling on her chair to talk over the back of it to Anya and Octavia, both of whom had managed to get seats next to each other and now appeared to be trying to get Raven to pay attention to the attendant standing behind her.

Lexa smiled back at her as slipped into the chair, fastening her seatbelt. “I should have told you before about leaving my apartment. It’s a bit of a huge thing to dump on you at the airport without warning.”

“It’s fine.” Clarke said. “I mean, it was a shock, but it makes sense and probably better to hear it in person. If you’d texted _I’m moving out, don’t know where to_ , then I might have got worried about you running away from me.” She could see Lexa’s hand resting on the armrest between them, and she carefully placed her hand over it, seeing the flicker of a smile in Lexa’s eyes as she turned her hand over to properly hold Clarke’s, their fingers lacing together naturally.

“I’m absolutely not doing that.” Lexa said. “And I was worried you’d think I needed you to come help me pack if I’d told you.”

“I probably would have come.”

“Exactly, you didn’t need to see me saying good bye to my past.” Lexa said, squeezing her hand. “So, what did you do with the time off?”

Before Clarke could answer, the captain’s voice came over the PA, telling them to get ready for takeoff, then the noise of the engines drowned everything else out.

“I hate this.” Clarke said.

“Flying?” Lexa asked.

“Not all of it. I love the bit when we’re up in the sky, and I’m fine when we’re on the ground, it’s the part in between that stresses me.” Clarke said, glad for the calming presence of Lexa’s hand wrapped around hers. “When we’re just taking off and really close to the ground I keep thinking gravity’s about to kick in and bring us down, but then we get high enough and everything’s far enough away I stop worrying. It’s OK, you can say it’s a strange fear, I know it is.”

“It’s different, not strange. And gravity is definitely a real thing.” Lexa said. “You can hold on to me if it helps.”

“It does.” Clarke said, and by the time she broke her gaze away from those green eyes and turned to look out of the window, they were well into the sky.

* * *

“So what did you do the last few days? I’m hoping it was more interesting than packing.” Lexa said once they’d levelled off.

“I did some writing, got a whole bunch of new lyrics and ideas. Talked with Mom a few times, and I had an idea from what she said about her and Marcus.”

“What was that?”

“She was saying they’re going to go out on an actual date, even though they’ve known each other a while, and I realised it’s been a long time since I’ve had been on a regular date with anybody. Me and Finn just kind of fell together rather than doing anything like that, so I haven’t actually had one since high school. Another one of those college experiences I missed.”

Lexa grinned at her. “Your ideas of what I got up to at college are so much more exciting than the reality. But are you saying you’d like to go on a date with me?”

Clarke laughed. “I don’t know, are you asking?”

“I am.”

“Then yes I would. And you asked, so you can decide when and how we do it.”

“That’s either cheating or very clever, but I like your style. And I’ll try and think of something good.” Lexa said.

“I’m sure you will.”

The attendant started bringing them drinks, then food, and they settled into enjoying the experience of getting to fly like that. Even with her experience, it still felt unreal to Clarke that they were being this supported, this feted by the label and by everybody.

“So what were you writing?” Lexa asked later.

“I worked on some of those rough ideas we’d been talking about, and then I kind of wrote something based on the talk we had the other day.” Clarke said.

“Really? About us?”

“In a way, yeah. It helped me think it through, and then I ended up on this idea of me having a mountain of stuff to deal with.”

“I remember you saying that.” Lexa said. They were facing each other as they spoke, turned around in their seats, and Clarke noticed their hands kept brushing and touching between them as they spoke.

“That stuck in my head, and I got thinking about mountains and how you might get rid of them, so I was thinking about erosion and wearing down, and turns out nothing much rhymes with erosion.” Clarke paused for a moment, feeling her heart race snd knowing she was babbling a little, but also wanting to tell Lexa what she’d be writing for her.

“Are you all right?” Lexa asked, leaning in.

“Yes I am. I think I was going to tell you all this later anyway, but now we’re here, I think it’s the right time. It just feels quite big to talk about.”

“Go on. I’m here.”

“I realised that if I’m the one who’s made this mountain, then I don’t need nature to get rid of it, I can do it myself, but not just myself, - it’s probably easier if I just show it to you.” She stood up, feeling herself buzzing with nervous energy as she opened the compartment above them, locating her bag and pulling her notebook out of it. “And I think this works for that ‘could you walk in my shoes’ song we could never make sense of either.” She sat down, flicking through till she found the right page. “I’m being a bit intense, aren’t I? Maybe I was overthinking things.”

“Clarke, you are intense, that’s one of the things I - I like about you.” Lexa said, squeezing her arm. “And the only reason I wasn’t overthinking everything about us was because I’d found a good distraction.”

Clarke relaxed a little, handing over the book to Lexa. She’d gone through a lot of versions of those words, sheets of paper scattered all over the basement before she’d got a version to write up in the notebook. She’d been trying to capture how she was feeling about moving on and the way she’d felt when they talked that day, the sense of security she’d felt at opening up about it all to Lexa and the comfort she’d felt at not needing to go it alone through that challenge. She’d kept returning to the idea of the mountain and how it had to go, but by her conscious choice if she wanted to properly move past it. She’d wrapped the ideas up in metaphor, but she knew enough of Lexa and was sure she knew enough of her to understand the meaning.

“Clarke, of course I will be. We’re doing this together.” Lexa said, gripping her tightly and leaning in towards her. Clarke rested against her, looking down to the page between them and reading the words she’d written at the heart of the song.

_Will you be my side when I tear down this mountain?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As ever, come find me at https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, despite the posting date, this isn't a Valentine's=themed chapter. Achieving that coincidence would have required a certain level of organisation and planning on my part which I just don't have. It's not an entirely unromantic chapter, anyway...
> 
> One thing that has happened since the last chapter is that there is now some fanart for this story, and I'm still kind of amazed that people like it enough to do that, so huge thanks to @rifewit204 for commissioning it and @elisebel for drawing it. You can see it here: https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/post/642776840755445760/
> 
> And thankyou to everyone who's read, kudosed or commented on this so far. Now, on with the show...

The rehearsal space was bigger than anywhere they’d worked before, and by the time they arrived there on the first morning, it was set up with their equipment all ready, spaced out like they normally would be on stage. Murphy and Emori were already there and waiting for them.

“I’m all for the label and promoters spending money on us.” Raven said. “But what exactly are we meant to be doing for the next week and a half?”

“And we’ve just come off a few weeks of shows.” Anya added. “And the support tour before that. We know these songs backwards, and we’re getting good reviews.”

“You are.” Murphy said. “And you’re damn good, I’ve been at all your shows and the crowd love you. But answer me this - what’s the longest gig you’ve done?”

They all looked at each other, trying to work it out. “Forty-five minutes?” Lexa said eventually.

“Exactly, and you’re headlining now. Do you know what sort of reviews headliners get when they only do forty-five minutes? They’re not good.” Murphy said.

“So we’re here to learn a few covers to bulk out the set?” Anya said. “We can do that in a few days.”

“And play them at the same intensity that you play everything else?” Emori asked. “So, next question - how tired are you all when you finish a show? Physically, I mean, I know you’re all buzzing with adrenalin after.”

“Pretty tired.” Clarke said.

“Now imagine adding another twenty minutes or half an hour on to that, and doing that just about every night for the next few months. Are you ready for that?”

“So what is this? Boot camp?” Octavia asked.

“You’re the only person who’d get excited at the thought of that, O.” Raven said. “And if it is, then I have a permanent doctor’s note to excuse me from it.”

“It’s not a boot camp.” Murphy said. “It’s rehearsals, but we need to focus on getting you learning some extra material, and working out how to play it without killing any of you in the process. Then how we put that all together into a show. Then we’ll try and get a few days with the tech and lighting crews to make it all come properly together.”

“Our job isn’t just moving you guys around, it’s about making sure you survive all this and enjoy it.” Emori added. “You’re stepping up to the big leagues now, and you need to do some work for it, but if you do it, it will be worth it. You’ve got a ton of new fans out there, all eager to see you and paying a lot for that. You want to give them something to remember, and something hat makes them want to come back and see you again and again.”

“OK, we get the message.” Anya said. “Guess we need to think of some songs. Clarke, what was that one you sang at the party the other night?”

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want?” Clarke said. “Sure, we can do that. Does it have to be covers, though? We’ve got songs that aren’t on the album we could use, or surprise them with something new.”

“What are you thinking of?” Anya asked.

Lexa caught a quick glance from Clarke in her direction before she spoke. “On the flight here, me and Lexa were working on something, one of those ones we couldn’t get to work before went into the studio.”

“Oh, that’s what you were doing.” Raven said. “We talked about some of those too, and maybe doing like a live remix so we can do the same song twice. Is yours ready to show us?”

“We just talked it through.” Lexa said. “Need a bit more time to actually play it out and make sure it works.”

“Then why don’t you two work on it when we get some free time and we’ll do the same?”

* * *

The five of them were staying in an apartment that had been described to them as “luxury” but after actually being inside it for a while Lexa felt “bizarre” would have been more useful description of it, particularly the layout. It sprawled over two levels, with bedrooms scattered around the edges of it. Having lagged slightly behind the others when they arrived, Lexa found herself in a room nearer the edge with Clarke in one a little bit down the hallway from her, the three rooms closer to the heart of the space having been eagerly grabbed by Raven, Octavia and Anya.

Getting back after a long day in rehearsals, she’d headed off to shower and let her brain decompress for a while, clearing out all the details of the songs they’d been working on throughout the day. She showered and changed, then came back to the main area of the apartment where a kitchen, dining room and living space were all attempting to co-exist in a single open space while being on different levels, leaving the whole thing a confusing mess resembling an Escher print.

“Hey.” She said, spotting Clarke in the kitchen, looking through the fridge. “Where’s everyone else gone?”

“O was doing a workout then FaceTiming Lincoln. Anya and Raven looked at the food options here and declared they were ‘dangerously over healthy’ and decided to hit up the bar on the corner.”

“So what are our options?” Lexa asked.

“Someone obviously decided we needed to stick to the healthy options. Even my mom’s fridge doesn’t have this much green stuff in it, but the good news is that they’ve decided we’re all too famous to cook so it’s all ready to eat.” Clarke said. “Anyway, we have a rainbow of smoothies and the few protein drink things that O left behind, and various containers of different kinds of green things with chicken, tuna or something that appears to be called primal grains, and I have no idea what that might be.”

Lexa walked over to where Clarke was to take a look and saw Clarke was right about just how much green there was filling the fridge. “Chicken, I guess.” She said, reaching around Clarke to pick out a drink, just as Clarke took a couple of containers and turned around, facing her.

“Hi.” She said, smiling softly, then suddenly leaning forward to quickly press her lips to Lexa’s. It was little more than a peck, soft and casual rather than passionate, and relaxed rather than urgent but it still caused a sudden rush through Lexa, giving her an idea of just what it meant to be weak at the knees. “I’ve been wanting to do that pretty much all day.”

“So have I.” Lexa said, leaning in to kiss her back. “It feels good.”

“It does.” Clarke said, almost grinning. “And I definitely want to do it a lot more later. I’d do a lot more now if I wasn’t so damn hungry.”

Lexa laughed. “Me too.” She followed Clarke over to one of the couches and they settled down. “So I was thinking about our date.”

“If you’re about to say this counts as a date, then we’re going to have our first argument.” Clarke said, smiling.

“Of course not. I was thinking of organising something while we’re here, but after today I don’t know that we’re going to get the time for it, or have the energy to actually enjoy it.”

“And when we do get some time, we have to work on that song.”

“Exactly. But, I was looking at the tour schedule earlier, and we get an actual wake up and go to sleep in the same city day off after the first five shows, so how about then?”

“I’ll have to check my diary.” Clarke said. “Oh wait, you just did. Completely free?”

“Yes.” Lexa said. “There’s media stuff to do on the day after, but looks like they’re giving us a proper rest. So if you’re still up for it…?”

“You know I am. What are we going to do?”

“It’s a secret.” Lexa said.

“As in, an actual secret? Or you haven’t made any plans yet and you’re just trying to be mysterious?”

“Both. Or neither. It’s a secret, but it will be good.” Lexa said, knowing she only had a vague plan so far, but she was looking forward to putting together the whole thing.

“I’m not being too weird about this, am I?” Clarke asked. “We spend a lot of time together just about every day, so it’s not like we’re strangers who need to get to know each other on a date.”

“You’re not being weird. The time we spend together is mostly work, isn’t it? If we worked in an office we wouldn’t think it’s odd to want some time away from it all, would we?”

“I’ve never worked in an office, but that does make sense.” Clarke said. “So does this count as work now?”

“Why?”

Clarke smiled and reached her hand over to take Lexa’s. “Because I’m wondering what the policy is on showing affection in the workplace.”

“Right now, it’s definitely allowed.”

* * *

“…and we’ll see the mountain fall.” Clarke sang. Lexa held onto the final note as Clarke drew out the last word of the song then let it fade out as Clarke finished and stepped away from the microphone. They’d turned around from their usual positions to face the other three, Raven perched on her stool behind her bank of keyboards and screens, Octavia and Anya sitting on the edge of the drum riser. She’d not watched them as she’d played, needing to concentrate on remembering the sequence of notes while watching Clarke to keep the two of them in sync as they demonstrated the new song. Now, she looked and saw the three of them smiling at them.

“That is really good.” Raven said. “I mean, I question how Griffin alone could tear down a mountain, but…”

“Metaphors are a thing, Raven.” Clarke said. “At least they are to those of us who didn’t sleep through English class.”

“Was that the tune from the ‘walk in my shoes’ song?” Anya asked. “It sounded familiar.”

“Mostly.” Lexa said. “Clarke came up with the new lyrics, then I realised if we moved it up in the middle of the chorus it gave it the energy it needed.”

“The old one was a bit of a dirge.” Octavia said. “That isn’t, and I can hear the rhythm for it. I say we go with it, put it in the show.”

“Really?” Clarke said. “You’ve only heard it the once.”

“I’m with O.” Anya said. “And it’s a new version, but we worked on that old song for a while, so we can get the rest arranged around it pretty simply. The fans will love it, it’s a nice surprise for them to hear something totally new.”

“Raven?” Lexa asked, seeing that she was staring at one of her screens rather than looking at the rest of them. “You OK with it?”

“Me? Yes, of course. I’m just working out where it can go in the set list.”

“Oh god.” Anya said, glancing over. Lexa couldn’t see the screen, but Anya’s eyes were wide. “She did it.”

“What’s she downloaded now?” Octavia asked.

“No, it’s not that this time. She’s done a spreadsheet for the set list. She was talking about doing it in the bar the other night, but I didn’t think she’d actually do it.”

“Is everyone else as confused as me?” Lexa asked. “Raven’s done what?”

“I am engineering the solution to our problem.” Raven said. “I was thinking about what Murphy and Emori said, and I decided to quantify it so when we put songs in an order we can see if we’ve got two songs that strain Griffin’s voice right next to each other, or two that really make O work hard and wear her out. Then we can see all the permutations and decide what works best for us. It’s a lot better than just scribbling them on a sheet of paper with a marker and hoping it works out.”

“That actually makes sense.” Octavia said. “A Raven kind of sense, anyway.”

“You will all thank me when the crowd are screaming for more.” Raven said. “And it’s a great song, we have to include it.”

“Guys, lunch is here!” Emori’s voice from the other side of the rehearsal space broke up the conversation and they headed over to eat.

“So you’ve got the whole set worked out on a spreadsheet?” Lexa asked Raven as they lingered at the back.

“It’s not complete yet, and it’s not going to work out everything, music’s still an art at the heart of it, not a science.” Raven said. “So who do you think Clarke’s singing to in that song?”

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked, even though she knew the answer to Raven’s question.

“You’ve heard it, you wrote it with her. I was listening to the words, and despite what she says, I did sometimes pay attention in English, especially when it was something interesting like poetry. The you in the song sounds like a specific person to me, like she’s asking you, I mean whoever the you may be, to be by her side while she does impossible things with geology.”

Lexa looked at Raven, trying to work out if there was intent behind her words, or if it was just her natural idle curiosity at play. “I don’t know, I guess - I guess we were trying to do something that sounds personal to people who hear it. So people can make it their own.”

“You two are just like each other, you know?” Raven said. “You make something really profound and meaningful together, then completely fail to notice it. We’ll have to see if we can sort it for you.”

“Sort what?” Lexa asked.

“The rest of the song, of course, What else do you think I’m talking about?” Raven smiled at her, then looked towards the others. “Right, if any of you have taken my tacos, I’m warning you now that you will be paying for it in blood.” She headed swiftly towards the food table, leaving Lexa feeling even more bewildered.

* * *

“That is a lot of seats.” Lexa said, looking out from the stage. “A lot.”

They’d finally traded the rehearsal room for the stage of their first gig, and now she was nervously looking at the space in front of them, doing her best to not nervously start counting the empty chairs and wonder just how many of them would still be empty when they walked out again later that night.

“And you guys have sold out every one of them.” Marcus said. “The last ticket went a week ago.”

Somehow that didn’t help her nerves. Or rather, it replaced one set of fears with an entirely different one, no longer worrying about no one turning up but instead thinking of what might happen if they disappointed how every many hundreds - no, even without counting, she could see it was thousands - were on their way here to see them. She shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts and focus on the detail of what she needed to do at the sound check, letting the list of tasks and questions occupy her. It was routine - albeit a longer and bigger routine than she’d had for the gigs before this - but it was something she had to be sure she got right, that they all got right, if they were going to deliver what they wanted that night.

All five of them took their time getting the check absolutely right, sweating over a lot of minor details they’d normally have ignored. It pushed them right to the edge of their schedule, but by the time they were off stage and heading back to the hotel, they were all more relaxed and sure of themselves, remembering what they could do and not fretting over minor issues. Lexa was glad for the rehearsals now, even for Raven’s planning and plotting out of the different set lists, as they’d finally settled on something that worked and felt good about. They’d planned out what they were going to do, how to start by building the crowd up, then easing off, building up to another peak before slowing up once more and then finally building everything up to a final crescendo and encore that would leave the audience happy and wanting more. As they’d built up the show over those days, more and more of the tour crew arrived, working out how to bring lights, sound, equipment and everything else together for them, as well as reminding them just how big an enterprise their band was now.

And during all that her times with Clarke were giving her something else to look forward to, another focus to her day so she wasn’t consumed entirely with the show and the tour. They’d found opportunities to be together each day, just a few stolen minutes in the depths of the rehearsal rooms on some of them, up to a couple of evenings alone in the apartment stretched out on the couch together watching movies she could barely remember the title of, let alone what had happened in them. Without talking about it too much, they’d both set limits on how far they were going to go until their date happened, happy to just spend the time with each other doing no more than kissing and talking about anything other than music and the band, connecting to each other. That night, there was only the chance for a quick squeeze of each other’s hands in the hotel elevator and a whispered “you’re going to be amazing” from Clarke, but the look in her eyes as she said it and the way they held each other’s gaze was enough to calm and ground her before they set off.

There were crowds in the street as they got closer to the venue, and for a time she thought it was just a regular night out for a lot of people, but as the crowds got bigger the closer they got to their destination, she realised these were the people heading to fill the empty seats she’d worried about earlier, and by the time they were settled in backstage, they were in those seats as the sounds of the support act reverberated through the building while the minutes were ticking down to their moment.

“This is it, guys. We’ve made it.” Lexa said, as the last few minutes ticked away and it was just the five of them in the backstage room. The others looked at her expectantly and she remembered Anya telling her how they’d called her the commander. “We know these songs forward, backwards and every way. We wrote them and we made them. A lot of people helped us get here, but we put the work in and we earned this, and tonight we’re going to show them why we’re here, right?”

“Yes!” The other four shouted, almost in unison.

“Come on then, let’s go. Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more an extra bonus chapter than a full update, but hope you enjoy it.

**@raereyraven** at City Centre Theatre with **@anyaofthewoods @fightingblake @theclarkegriffin** and **@itsjustlexa** 3.46pm  
Video (0:51)  
First soundcheck of the tour! Just Griffin doing her scales. Going to be awesome tonight, who’s coming? #onecrew #outofthearktour #theykeeptellingmetousemorehashtags

* * *

**@numberonecrewfan** 5.32pm  
(Image)  
Opening night! Still half an hour till doors open, already kind of freaking out. So many here already!

* * *

_Not much more than a year ago, Onecrew were doing free shows in bars in their home town. Tonight, if the number of empty-handed scalpers outside their gig are anything to go by, their first full tour is the hottest ticket in the country by far. They’ve made their name through their live reputation as much as their debut album, but can they pull off a headline tour? That’s what I’m here on opening night to find out._

* * *

**@numberonecrewfan** 6.17pm  
(Image)  
Found @housegriffin and @i_love_lexy, so close to the stage!

* * *

_…traffic slow around downtown tonight, lot of people heading to the Onecrew gig. If you haven’t got tickets, sorry, we gave away our last ones at the weekend. And we might have a surprise for you if you tune in to the Morning Show tomorrow, so stay with us and here’s Blood…_

* * *

**@anyaofthewoods** with **@itsjustlexa** 7.14pm  
(Image)  
On our way. This is my sister’s excited face, can’t you tell?

* * *

_This is an excited crowd, and they’re filling the venue long before anyone’s on stage. It’s a different energy than I’m used to and it’s hard to play the dispassionate rock journalist role when you’re surrounded by such friendly enthusiasm. Talking to some of them, I discover a lot about how vast this band’s online fandom seems to be, and get to see lots of friends meeting for real for the first time. They see themselves not just in the songs about trying to find your place in a crazy world you never chose to be thrown into, but in a defiant and powerful stage presence._

* * *

**@lunaofficial** at City Centre Theatre 7.40pm  
Video (0:25)  
So nervous! On in five. Thank you to the amazing #Onecrew for picking me as their support act #OutOfTheArkTour 

* * *

_First on stage tonight is another example of the impressive roster of talent Becca Franko is putting together at Polaris. Luna has a different energy to the headliners and the singer-songwriter’s folk roots shine through, but this audience recognises nd appreciates the similar energy she brings to the stage. While the crowd only know her - if they know her at all - through her first single Keep Your Flame she soon has them captivated. Her rawness shows through at a few moments, and at times the size of the task before her threatens to overwhelm her, but this is a forgiving audience and she soon settles in and gets them onside. Definitely one to watch._

* * *

**@itsjustlexa** at City Centre Theatre 7.57pm  
(Image)  
Tuning up and listening to @lunaofficial Hope you guys love her as much as we do.

* * *

**@numberonecrewfan** 8.25pm  
(Image)  
Luna was great! Think @housegriffin is in love…

* * *

_Luna’s raised the energy in the room and started an impossible countdown amongst the crowd, eager for the band to get on stage. With no one sure of how long the break between acts will be, every appearance of a roadie on stage or a figure glimpsed in the wings is heralded with eager anticipation of Onecrew’s appearance._

* * *

**@fightingblake** at City Centre Theatre 8.43pm  
(Image)  
Got my sticks. Now waiting for the rest of them. We’ll be seeing you soon.

* * *

_The start is so subtle you barely notice it. House lights dim slowly to black as a faint note flickers and crackles like a broken transmission, then flashes of ultraviolet at the back of stage illuminate first Raven Reyes then Octavia Blake as the note builds and gains a rhythm. They tease the audience as sound pulses in and out, the flickering signal bringing in Anya Woods as it gathers more pace and familiarity. As it draws together into coherence it launches Lexa Woods into the opening riff of Out Of The Ark on an explosion of light that hides the appearance of Clarke Griffin at the centre of the stage. She might be singing of a great fall, but her voice rises to the moment as the crowd is propelled to their collective feet._

* * *

**@numberonecrewfan** 9.06pm  
(Video 0:34)  
OH GOD IT’S HAPPENING!!!!

* * *

_…all of this is coupled with a steadfast refusal to play it safe. This isn’t a band delivering carbon copies of how everything sounds on the album, it’s one willing to stretch and experiment with the possibilities of playing live. Most notable is their first pass at Blood, which deconstructs their biggest hit and then puts it back together as a seductively discordant showcase for just what Lexa Woods can do with a guitar._

* * *

**@numberonecrewfan** 9.25pm  
(Image)  
And oh my that look between them #clexa

* * *

_Musically, the whole band are delivering at an incredible level, but it’s hard to draw your attention away from Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods. Most of the crowd watch the pair raptly, Griffin connecting to the audience while showing off the range and emotional power of her voice while Woods prowls the stage around her like a military commander sizing up her battlefield. The pair have an effortless musical chemistry and instinctive stage choreography as they move around each other, literally leaning on each other during a pared-back version of Unity._

* * *

**@numberonecrewfan** 9.49pm  
(Video 0:48)  
NEW SONG NEW SONG NEW SONG!

* * *

_A previously unheard but remarkably powerful track heralds both the final section of the show and a welcome sign of a band not resting on their debut laurels. When Griffin sings about tearing down a mountain, you can believe this crowd would likely do it for her if she’d only ask, and the pace continues through the last selection of songs, culminating in a frenetic rendition of The Drop which leaves the crowd momentarily stunned into silence at its conclusion and then, almost as one, demanding more._

* * *

**@numeronecrewfan** 10.13pm  
(Video 0:18)  
Noooooooo….need more.

* * *

_…ever heard thousands of people chant “blood must have blood” in unison? It’s an odd image to leave a gig with, but as an encore that both presents a more conventional version of the song and draws the audience into an extended call-and-response, it works. When they leave the stage together for the final time, the crowd is truly sated and I’m left trying to piece together some way of writing an article from my increasingly incoherent notes._

* * *

**@numberonecrewfan** 10.38pm  
(Image)  
Oh god, so happy. Best night of my life.

* * *

_If you’ve got tickets for this tour, you’re lucky. If it’s coming near you and there are still tickets available, get lucky._

* * *

**@theclarkegriffin** at City Centre Theatre with **@itsjustlexa @anyaofthewoods @fightingblake** and **@raereyraven** 10.55pm  
(Image)  
First night done - one down, lots to go. Been told I forgot to say on stage that the new song’s called Tear Down The Mountain (thank you Raven...) You were an amazing crowd, we love you, thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's a montage again, but I wanted to try and get over the experience of one of their shows from a different perspective.
> 
> Art, inspiration, updates, open asks and anything else that crosses my brain here, as ever: blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the positive feedback on the last chapter, glad it got over the feeling of being there. Please keep the comments and kudos coming, I'm hopelessly shallow and they feed my fevered ego.

Clarke could still feel the rush from the show as they headed through the backstage area. The roar of the crowd was still ringing in her ears and the noise they were still making echoed through the bare walls of the venue. Someone thrust a water bottle into her hand and she thanked them before quickly drinking it down, knowing how much she’d worked off under the hot lights. The atmosphere was fully celebratory by the time she reached their main dressing room, all of them buzzing from the performance and the reaction they’d generated.

“Wow.” She said, grabbing more water for herself and then collapsing into a chair, exaggeratedly splaying herself out across it. “Did we really just pull that off?”

“We did.” Lexa said, sitting on the arm of the chair, just tantalisingly far enough away to be out of reach, which Clarke thought was possibly a good thing with everyone else watching. “What are they saying about us?” She looked over to Raven who’d picked up a tablet along with a drink, and was already frantically scrolling through it, filling her need for as much information as possible as she flicked through her social media feeds.

“Lots of awesome, amazing, best night of someone’s life, loads of pictures of you two looking blurry and unfocused, and they’re all now arguing over what the new song was called because it looks like someone forgot to mention the name of it.”

“I said it.” Clarke said. “Didn’t I?”

Lexa looked at her and shrugged. “I don’t remember, I was listening out for O counting us in.”

“If you did, they didn’t hear.” Raven said. “There’s all sorts of fun guesses out there.”

“Fine, I’ll do a post with it in. We should say thank you to them all for coming anyway.”

“You’re allowed to take a break for a few minutes, Clarke.” Lexa said. “And we don’t have anything else to do tonight, do we?”

“Just the usual fans waiting around for us to leave.” Anya said. “But we’ve got a stupidly early call time for leaving tomorrow morning, and someone’s got to do an interview with the local radio at like 8am.”

“I can do that.” Octavia said. “I’ll have finished my run by then.”

“Your what?” Raven asked.

“Just a couple of miles, it wakes me up.”

“You’re a freak.” Raven said. “Embrace the joys of sleep.”

“Has anyone spoken to Luna since her set?” Clarke asked. “I spoke with her a bit after our soundcheck, and she was really nervous, I wanted to check she’s OK.”

“I don’t think any of us got a chance to.” Lexa said. “We were all in here preparing. I don’t know if she stayed to watch us.”

“I was just thinking about how crappily those guys treated us when we were their support last year, you know?” Clarke said. “And we had each other, I don’t know how long she’s been working with the guys in her band, they could be session musicians from the label.”

“We can check with Emori, she’s dealing with Luna most.” Raven said. “But you’re right, we should look out for her.”

“Mark your calendars, everyone, Raven said I’m right.” Clarke laughed. “Now, let’s do a photo of us all for me to send out, then I definitely need a shower before we head back to the hotel.”

* * *

“Just to warn you, there’s a lot of fans waiting for you out there.” Murphy said. 

“We’ve had fans after a gig before.” Raven said. “We can deal with it.”

“Oh, I’m sure you can.” He said with a grin as the door opened and revealed a mass of people waiting for them. Clarke had seen post-gig crowds before and thought it would be the usual diehards, perhaps a few dozen more than usual because of the size of the venue. Instead, there were at least a couple of hundred there waiting for them, and a few crash barriers had been speedily and roughly erected to give them a clear path to the cars waiting to take them.

“We could just give them a few waves and walk to the cars.” Anya said.

“ _We_ could.” Raven said and Clarke felt her hand land on her shoulder, and saw Raven’s other hand was resting similarly on Lexa. “But it’s these two they’re desperate to see, I’ve seen what they’re saying online. Go enjoy your devoted fans, we’ll bring up the rear.”

They’d headed for the crowd, splitting up to take different sides while they tried to move along as quickly as they could, signing autographs and posing for pictures, leaning on the barriers as she looked into multiple phones at once. She could feel the tiredness from the show in her body, but the energy and enthusiasm of the fans helped keep her smiling and talking with them until she reached the end of the line alongside Lexa, one of the security team quickly ushering them into the back of a car which pulled off as soon as the two of them were seated in the back and the door closed.

“Wait, where are the others?” Clarke asked.

“They left a little bit ago.” Lexa said. “Anya told me, and O came over to tell you.”

Clarke had a memory of seeing Octavia next to her for a while, but it was around the same time as about a dozen people were talking to her and firing questions in her direction so she hadn’t really taken in anything she’d said. “Hope they’re not pissed at us for getting all the attention.”

“I think Anya’s fine with it.” Lexa said. “She was gloating about the extra sleep she’s going to get. We can talk it out tomorrow, though, make sure.”

“And if we get them like that every night, we’ll need to work out how to deal with it.” Clarke said. “But that’s a problem for tomorrow us to worry about.”  
Lexa smiled and Clarke felt a touch on her leg, glancing down and seeing Lexa’s hand resting there. She placed her own on top of it, enjoying the casual intimacy between them and the way it relaxed her. “That was pretty crazy, I wasn’t expecting so many to be there.”

“Might just have been because it was opening night. Lot of the real hardcore fans making a special effort to be there. Raven was saying something about there being a group of them trying to see us as many times as they can, which is kind of amazing.”

“I’m still amazed we have hardcore fans.” Lexa said. “No, more that we’ve got so many we can make distinctions between them. Still not entirely convinced I’m not dreaming.” She turned her hand around, letting their fingers interlace and squeeze.

“Me too.” Clarke said. “I never expected all this.”

The car slowed and pulled up outside the hotel. They thanked the driver and reluctantly broke their grip to get out of opposite sides of the car. Inside, the hotel was quiet, just a couple of staff behind the desk to greet them as they headed up to their rooms. When they were out of sight in the lift, Lexa reached over and took her hand again, and they walked down the corridor like that until Clarke paused outside her room.

“Come in with me?” Clarke asked.

“I thought we weren’t doing that?” Lexa said.

“We’re not.” Clarke said. “But it’s been a long day and I just want some time with you. Sorry, I’m being a bit needy, aren’t I?”

Lexa smiled warmly at her, moving in close. “Clarke, you’re absolutely not being needy. Well, no more than I am.” She brushed her lips over Clarke’s.

She opened the door quickly and they moved into the room together, sitting down on the bottom of the large bed, Lexa’s arms slipping around her waist as she lifted her hands up to stroke through Lexa’s hair as they kissed. It all felt right to her, the way they could be relaxed and comfortable like this together.

“I’ve got a confession.” Lexa said as they moved a little apart, her voice still light, a smile still playing on her face.

“What is it?”

“Those leather pants you were wearing on stage tonight? They’re really distracting, and I worry one day I’m going to completely miss a cue because I’m too busy staring at your ass in them.”

“Oh really?” Clarke asked, laughing as she leaned back. “You should have told me that before I asked for a couple more pairs of them, then.”

“Oh god, you’re going to kill me before this tour is over.”

“I can always wear them for our date, if you want.”

“I’d like that.” Lexa said, paralleling Clarke’s position as she also leaned back. “You probably wouldn’t as I doubt I’d be able to speak much, I’d be too busy staring.”

“I’ll wear something else then. Just let me know what’s appropriate for it.” Clarke said. “And I’m still looking forward to it, whatever I end up wearing. A bit nervous too.”

“Nervous?” Lexa asked. “What about?”

“In a good way, you know? You might have noticed that I really like you, and this feels like a big step for us. Saying there is an us.”

Lexa smiled and took her hand. “It is a big step, and then there’s everything that comes after that too, but I think we’re going to be ready to take it.”

Clarke smiled and leaned in to kiss her again. “I do too.”

* * *

Clarke had thought she’d seen every possible style of tour bus over the past few years. She’d crammed into the back of vans, taken stupidly long trips in badly repainted former school buses, played many rounds of ‘what’s that smell?’, and thought they’d really made it by the time she found herself in a seat that not only had something you could call leg room but also reclined. That was before her bleary eyes had seen the bus that had been waiting for them outside the hotel after the first night of the tour. It loomed high above her, patterns of black and silver catching the morning sun as doors slid smoothly open.

“Is that a bus or a shuttle to the Death Star?” Raven said. “Feels like we’re headed to Darth Vader’s festival. Which, by the way, I would refuse to play at.”

On board, it had been just as disorienting with wide and comfortable seats set around tables and the whole thing set up to give them space and comfort as they travelled. For the first day, it had only been for a few hours, and once they’d explored the facilities, they’d mostly sat around and chatted enjoying the novelty of the experience, though one question nagged at her throughout until she finally asked Emori.

“How are Luna and her band traveling? Have they got a bus like this?”

“They’ve got a bus with some of the crew. It’s standard, headliners get their own transport, support-”

“Support travels with the rest. Yeah, I remember. We’re being assholes.” She looked round at the rest of the band, who were giving her a range of quizzical looks in response. “Look at the size of this. We could fit ten more people in here and still have huge amounts of space to spare. I’ve done a bunch of support tours - hell, we did last year - where we were crammed in and uncomfortable and the headliners got to travel in comfort, and I always thought they were assholes.”

“Comfortable and well-rested assholes.” Raven said. “But I do agree, and much as I deeply love the four of you, it would be nice to spend time with some other people before we get sick of each other.”

They’d proposed the change at that days soundcheck, pointing out that it meant more space on the other bus too, and it had been happily accepted as something to try for a few days to see how it worked out. Now they were on their last day on the road before their day off and it seemed to be working well. Clarke had been concerned about Luna’s experience mirroring hers from a few years ago, finding herself adrift on a new wide sea but she’d been playing and performing for a while, and had been involved in choosing her band, most of whom had been in her home town’s music scene for years. The big shock for her had been performing in front of such a large crowd, and Clarke had helped her and shared some of her experiences, good and bad.

They were about an hour away from their destination, and the bus was mostly quiet. Clarke was sat by a window watching the view out to the ocean as they headed north. The views were intermittent as the road moved up and down, then in and out of the trees, but she was roughly sketching some of what she saw in her notebook, not really thinking about anything until Raven came and sat in the seat next to her.

“Songs of the sea, is it?” Raven asked, glancing down at the notebook.

“Probably not.” Clarke said. “It’s not really making me think of any words, it’s just relaxing.”

“You should do more art, find some time when we next get a break to work on it.”

“I’d like to, if this tour ever finishes and they stop adding new dates.”

“They will, and then you’ll complain it’s all over.” Raven said. “You know you love it.”

“Sure, and it’s not like you’re complaining either.” Clarke said with a smile.

“Only that I’m not getting to produce at the moment.” Raven said. “Which is what I came to see you about. Are you planning anything for us tomorrow?”

“Us?” Clarke asked. “Me and you, or the five of us?”

“Specifically me, but in any combination with the others.”

“Raven, you’re normally the one who organises me. It’s how we ended up here, remember? But no, I’m not planning anything that involves you tomorrow.” She said, realising she’d subconsciously chosen her words carefully to elide that she was planning something tomorrow, but with Lexa.

“Good.”

“I should ask what you’re planning, shouldn’t I?”

“It’s nothing bad, honest.” Raven said, with a grin. “Just been talking with Luna and her guys and they want to record something for the label for an album bonus track or something, and we’ve found a studio in town that’s free tomorrow, but they need a producer so they asked me.”

“Really? That’s amazing.” Clarke said. “Not a relaxing day off, though.”

“It’s my kind of fun.” Raven said, “Sinclair’s going to drop in on video to help out, and Anya’s going to come along and be my lackey-”

“I’m not your lackey, Raven. Assistant or co-producer, or I’m not doing it.” Came Anya’s voice from behind them.

“OK, that.” Raven said. “Anyway, it’ll be fun. O’s going to be doing some crazy workout thing for most of the day then talking with Lincoln for the rest of it, so you and Lexa can have some time without us around.” She grinned and pushed herself up out of the seat before Clarke could say anything. “Hey guys, I’m all free, let’s book the studio and do it.”

Clarke looked the other way down the bus to where Lexa was stretched out on a fully reclined chair, feet up, headphones on and eyes closed. She’d told Clarke she had a definite plan for their day off, but still hadn’t given her any details, and Clarke decided that telling her it looked like getting away from the others would be easy tomorrow could wait until later, not wanting to wake her. Instead, she picked her notebook back up and looked back out of the window again, a slight smile playing on her lips as she sketched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time is their date day, promise!  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think I've been running this in my head for long enough that it was pretty easy to write, so it's another speedy update!

There was a brief moment when Lexa managed to convince herself she’d been stood up. She’d told Clarke to meet her in a coffee shop situated on a square not far from their hotel, and so she’d naturally got there half an hour before Clarke was due to get there, and had spent every minute since she arrived conjuring up catastrophes in her head about just why she was sitting there alone nursing an espresso. The obvious answers about being ridiculously over-prepared had quickly fallen by the wayside, allowing the assembled legions of her self-doubt to debate in just what form she’d get the message from Clarke about why she wasn’t going to make it. Would it be by phone call, text message, or just a hurried message through someone else about how something had come up and she couldn’t do it any more? Lexa knew it was all ridiculous, she’d seen the look in Clarke’s eyes and heard the way she’d said “I can’t wait till tomorrow” when they’d kissed goodnight after the previous day’s show, but it didn’t stop her brain from running away with itself.

She’d already had a weird start to the day and that was not helping her ability to be calm and reasonable. She’d been woken up by a call from Anya demanding Lexa came down and joined her for breakfast, then using it to pepper her with questions about the pickups on her guitar, having decide they needed to capture a particular sound for Luna’s session that day. When Raven had unexpectedly joined them, she’d also had a swathe of technical questions, at one point trying to work out how much you could get a variant sound by using strings from different companies at the same time. She’d answered as best she could, then suddenly it was “Damn, is that the time? We’ve got to go. Sure you’re going to have a great day, Lex, see you later.” and they were gone, leaving her vaguely bewildered. She’d put it down to them being nervous about their day, before realising how much time had gone by and that she needed to get ready for hers.

She’d showered and got dressed quickly, the time she had too short to allow her to agonise over what to wear, making her just go with her instinct. She’d gone for a pale blue buttoned shirt, fitted black pants and sneakers with her hair back in a loose plait. It was odd looking at herself in the mirror like that, recognising the sort of style she used to wear when she’d been at college or working in the bookstore before her life had completely changed, like she was looking at an alternate version of herself. None of them had opted to go for the full rock star look all the time, but they spent enough time looking good for gigs and photo shoots that they tended towards the casual and comfortable when they were out of public view. For one day, at least, she had to be herself while not looking like the person so many people thought they knew.

Yet again, Clarke’s room was right next doors to hers in the hotel, and it would have been easy for Lexa to just knock on it when she went past, but they’d agreed to meet away from the hotel to break out of their usual routine of just hanging out together and make it feel more like an actual date. It was weird to be having their first real date so far into what was already feeling like a relationship to Lexa, but she was also getting used to the idea that nothing about their lives was going to conventional so why should she expect the pattern of their relationship to be? If anything, sitting in a coffee shop feeling nervous while she wondered if her date would arrive was high up as one of the most normal and conventional things she’d done in the last eighteen months.

She looked at her empty cup then her phone for what felt like the three hundredth time in the past five minutes, still seeing no messages, but also noting it was still early and she shouldn’t be worried because she knew she was going to come-

“Lexa?” She looked up, saw blonde hair, blue eyes and a familiar nervous smile. “I’m here.”

Even though her nerves were floating away, she could still feel her heart beating faster and harder.

* * *

“I know I’ve not been on a date in a while, but I’m really sure you’re meant to give flowers as a gift when you meet your date, not these.” Clarke said.

“Humour me, OK?” Lexa said. “Put them on.”

Clarke’s face went into an exaggerated grimace for a moment, then she yielded and did as Lexa asked, slipping the grey beanie onto her head, followed by the pair of glasses Lexa had presented to her along with it. “Is this for some fantasy you haven’t told me about? Sliding these off for a ‘but Miss Griffin, you’re beautiful’ moment?”

“Not at all.” Lexa said, slipping on a baggy black cap and glasses. “But we want a day that’s just the two of us, and there’s a couple of thousand people around this city who saw us on stage last night. This seemed an easier way to disguise ourselves than hitting up a wig store to start the day.”

“It feels a bit weird, but you’re right.” Clarke said, quickly pausing outside a store to check herself in a mirror. She’d worn a loose monochrome check shirt over a silver-grey top and jeans and the beanie Lexa had grabbed as a sudden brainwave a couple of of days before somehow fitted in with the rest of her oufit. “It works.” She said, reaching down to take Lexa’s hand as they walked with a confidence that surprised her. “So, what’s the plan?”

“It took me a while to work it out.” Lexa said.

“See, I knew you were bluffing when you told me it was all sorted.”

“It might have been sorted then, and then it became unsorted again. I was thinking of something big and stupid, and looking at all the big tourist things we could do round here and searching for romantic ideas, all that kind of thing, then I realised none of them would be things we’d actually like doing. So, I started looking for ideas that fitted in with what we actually wanted to do with today.”

“Which is?” Clarke asked.

“Getting to spend time together without worrying over if we’re going to get disturbed or need to catch up on sleep or have to head off to do another interview or sound check or whatever.” Lexa said, glancing around and checking the street signs, hoping she’d remembered the map of the city correctly.

“I’ve even put my phone on silent.” Clarke said.

“Me too.” Lexa smiled and squeezed her hand. “Anyway, I was looking and thinking about what we could do that wasn’t just wandering around aimlessly and hoping something interesting happens, and I realised there’s something here where we can spend time together but also be doing something interesting, that I think you’ll like.”

“Which is?”

“If I’ve got it right, it’s just around this corner.” Lexa said, walking purposefully and leading Clarke along the street, smiling and relaxing as she turned the street and saw the sign over the entrance.

“The art museum?” Clarke asked, seeing where they were. “You’re sure you want to let me loose in there?”

“Absolutely.” Lexa said. “You love art, you know art, and you probably could have been an artist if you hadn’t ended up doing this instead - no, don’t protest, this is a date, and I should be telling you how amazing you are - and this means I get to spend time with you being all enthusiastic and knowledgeable about something you love.” She grinned and leaned in closer towards Clarke’s ear, murmuring “Which is also incredibly sexy.”

She stepped back and saw Clarke looking at her, eyes wide and for a moment Lexa wondered if she’d got it horribly wrong before seeing the smile erupt on Clarke’s face. “You’re kind of amazing, you know that?”

“I guess I do, but it’s nice to be reminded of it by you.”

“Oh, I think I might be reminding you of it a lot, especially if you keep having good ideas like this.” Clarke leaned in to kiss her, but only got as far as brushing their lips together before the glasses they were wearing clashed into each other. “That’s one thing you didn’t consider with your disguise plan.”

“We can work on it. People in glasses kiss all the time, it can’t be a complete blockade. Or we could just take them off.”

“Are you kidding? We’re going to an art museum and I need these for the full hipster look. How else can I share my opinions about what’s important if I can’t do this?” She slipped the glasses off and out on a mock-serious face, resting the tip of the frame on her lips. “See? Lexa, are you all right?”

“What? Oh yes, sorry, I was distracted by you, um, looking like-”

“Really. Weirdo.” Clarke said with a smile.

“I am weird, but you’re the one who agreed to come out on a date with me.”

“True. Shall we get inside so I can start dazzling you with my knowledge?”

“Let’s go.”

* * *

Lexa wasn’t regretting her choice one bit. It was a weekday, so apart from the few school groups that were visiting that day, the museum was mostly quiet and they got a lot of the space to themselves. The collection was scattered over several floors, and they moved somewhat chaotically through them, jumping on and off the recommended route when the next room had a group of kids in the company of an overstressed teacher. Mainly, though, their day was just about them with only a handful of others passing by unnoticed in the background, none of whom struck Lexa as the sort of people she’d expect to be amongst their fan base, let alone recognise them.

All of which meant they could relax with each other and enjoy the time together. Lexa had always chosen music over art at school and college, so Clarke was explaining a lot of things she’d never even thought about before. It was a whole new way of looking at things for her, but also a whole new way of seeing Clarke, showing off a side of her that Lexa had only seen glimpses of before.

“Did you ever do stuff - pieces, I mean - like this?” Lexa asked. “It seems like some of the sketches you do.”

“No, I did completely different things with paint. Much more abstract, I get a really different mindset when I’m painting.” Clarke said. “But I haven’t used paint on anything other than a wall in a few years.” They moved on to the next picture and Lexa heard Clarke make a little gasp.

“So, here’s something I don’t get.” Lexa said. “You pause a little at that painting -” She pointed at the one they’d just passed “- but this one, you stop and go ‘wow’ and your eyes get that dreamy look in them-”

“What dreamy look?” Clarke asked.

“The one you just had, which is the same one you get looking out a window when you’re thinking up words, or when you hit the slow bit in Pressure, but I’m not going to get distracted by your eyes right now.”

Clarke pouted. “Really? Even when I take these off so…very…slowly.” She slowly pushed the glasses she was wearing down her nose.

“Stop it.” Lexa grinned back. “I was asking a question.”

“Why do I like this picture better than that one?”

“Yes. Or why do you react more to this one than that one? I know they’re different, but they both seem equally good to me.” Lexa said.

“They are both good. Really good, way beyond anything I could do technically, but this one, it’s all about the composition of it, the way it arranges everything, how they all interact. See the way there’s that space in the top left? That echoes what’s going on over here…” Lexa listened, trying to keep up and follow the things Clarke was saying, but just watching her like this was a thrill. She was differnet to how she was on stage, not demanding attention in the same way, but there was the same animation to her in the way she moved as she talked and the way her eyes lit up.

“…and there’s a name for that, but I can’t remember it because it was way back in school. Anyway, you see?”

“I do.”

“Now you’re the one with the look in your eyes.”

“What look is that?” Lexa asked.

“The one where you look like you’re incredibly thirsty and I’m the last glass of water in the desert.”

Before Lexa could say anything in response to that, Clarke had stepped up to her, put her hands on Lexa’s hips and drawn them together into a kiss. For a moment, Lexa wondered how Clarke had avoided the glasses problem this time, then she just accepted it and melted into it.

“Thank you.” Clarke said as they moved apart.

“For what?”

“For today, for waiting for me and putting up with me and all my weirdness.”

“Clarke, I’m not here because I’m putting up with you. I’m here because I like you, and I want to spend time with you. A lot of time.”

“I know, it’s just all new to me and it’s exciting, mostly. Terrifying, sometimes. Excitifying? How does that sound?”

“Weird, but it makes sense.”

“Good, because the more I think about it, the more we make sense, and I don’t want to fight that anymore.”

“We?” Lexa asked, her mouth dry, her heart pounding.

Clarke reached down and wrapped her hand around hers. “We. Me and you. Us. And I know it’s more complicated than just us, but I want this. I want you, Lexa.”

Lexa swallowed, squeezing Clarke’s hand for reassurance that she actually was here it was really happening. “I want all that too. And you, you know I want to be with you. No doubts?”

“No doubts.” Clarke said, her gaze locked on Lexa. “Some worries, a lot of questions, but no doubts.”

“I really want to kiss you again right now.” Lexa said.

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because there’s a group of school kids about to walk into this room, and there’s some things I don’t like an audience for.”

Clarke broke her gaze to look back over her shoulder, and laughed when she saw Lexa was right. “Then lets find a room without an audience.”

* * *

Lexa was getting used to the fact that no matter how much they tried to make them feel different, every hotel room she stayed in had started feeling the same. Bed, chairs, wardrobes, bathroom, TV, minibar, all of them the same, just with everything moved around into slightly different positions.

This one was different, though. This one was memorable. This one had Clarke lying in the bed next to her, and so whatever else there was in there didn’t matter at all.

Lexa was lying on her back, Clarke curled up on her side next to her, her head resting on Lexa’s shoulder, one leg splayed casually across her, both of them covered in a thin sheen of sweat as they relaxed together and caught their breath.

This time it had just felt right, tender and intimate rather than the hurried and frantic pressure of their first time together. That had felt like the one time only it was never going to be, this had felt like a beginning and a promise of many more times to come.

“Sex on the first date.” Clarke said, tilting her head back to look up at her, eyes glinting in the half light of the room. “Does that make me easy?”

“You are anything but easy.” Lexa said, smiling down at her. “And not like it was a regular first date, either.” A corner of her mind wondered when they’d date their anniversary from, but she knew it might be a bit premature to start talking about that now. Nothing about the way Clarke was pressed up to her made it feel like she was about to leave, but Lexa could still remember how it felt when she had. 

“Did you have anything else planned? Or were you always expecting to be luring me back here?”

“Hey, that was your idea. There was no luring involved.”

“My idea that you enthusiastically agreed to, and would have suggested it if I didn’t.”

“True.” Lexa said. “If we still wanted to do something after the museum, I was going to suggest we went down to the waterfront, found somewhere to eat and watch the sunset.”

Clarke pushed herself up a little, looking out of the window. “That would have been very romantic, but I think the weather had you beaten on that one. Not so much a sunset as a steadily darkening field of grey.”

“I’d been watching the weather forecast all week, hoping it would be clear. Felt like the universe might give me a chance of something nice.” Lexa said.

“There’ll be other sunsets, maybe even a beach sometime.” Clarke said. She moved back down, propping herself up on one elbow. “Food sounds good right now. Though not the whole getting up and getting dressed part of it.”

“There’s room service.”

“That is a thing that exists and I’d forgotten about, yes.”

“You forgot it existed?”

“They never had it in the fleapits we used to stay in, or the budget never ran to affording it.” Clarke said. “And my head’s still fuzzy, I’ve just spent a couple of hours being turned to mush by my gorgeous girlfriend.”

Lexa slowly rolled over to face her, mirroring the way she leaned on the bed as she tried to keep herself relaxed. “Girlfriend?”

“It’s what we are, aren’t we?” Clarke asked, and Lexa could hear just a waver of uncertainty in her voice. “I didn’t go too far, did I? I mean, I-”

Lexa smiled and kissed her. “You absolutely didn’t. I’d have said it but I didn’t want to make you think I was pushing you too fast. But yes, girlfriend.” The word sounded good and felt good, and saying it was almost as good as seeing the brightness in Clarke’s eyes when she said it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there they are...  
> This isn't the end, but it's the beginning of the route to the end. I've got an idea of where the rest of the story is going, and it's at least seven more chapters, so at least 36 in total. (Though back when I started this I thought it was only going to be six or seven chapters in total, and well, we've seen how that turned out)  
> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said last time, I think there are still six chapters to go after this but one thing that annoys me far more than it should is the total number of chapters oscillating up and down in a work in progress and I want to be sure that none of the final chapters bloats out into something that needs more space before I say it's definitely going to finish at 36.  
> Anyway, thank you all for the kudos and the comments and the continued reading, it's been such fun writing this and I'm glad you're all enjoying it too.

“So,” Lexa said, “how are we going to tell the others?”

“I really wish we didn’t have to.” Clarke said, seeing Lexa’s eyebrow raise as though she was about to say something, “But I know we do. I’m just wishing we could have a few more days like this before we had to get back it all again.”

“I know,” Lexa said, “A week into a months-long tour probably isn’t the ideal time to start a relationship, but here we are and I’m not going back.”

“Me either.” Clarke said. “You’re stuck with me now.”

“I can think of worse fates.” Lexa grinned and leaned over to kiss her. They’d moved from the bed to the room’s large couch, wearing the hotel’s fluffy robes, the remains of a room service pizza and other snacks spread out on the space between them. “But in about twelve hours we’ve got to get back on that bus and hit the road again with my sister, your best friend who’s practically your sister, and Octavia, who could probably break us both like twigs if she wanted to. I know we kept it secret from them up to now, but I don’t see how we could keep doing that now.”

“Oh god, Raven.” A memory floated through Clarke’s mind, the two of them talking in a coffee shop.

“What’s she done?”

“No, not her. Me. A year or so ago, back when we were starting all this, she asked me about my feelings for you, and I kind of told her I wouldn’t do anything about them.”

“Oh.”

Clarke tried to read the look on Lexa’s face as she processed that. “Just oh?”

“Um, I might have told Anya something similar. That whole no relationships thing we had.”

“So, we’re both idiots?”

“Looks like we are.” Lexa said, smiling. “But, in our defence we did try to do what we said we’d do for a long time. Will they even remember we said that?”

“You’ve met Raven, right? She remembers everything, and Anya’s never struck me as being forgetful, especially when she’s looking out for you.”

“So we’ll just have to beg for forgiveness when we tell them.” Lexa said. “And show them we’re serious about this.”

“We need to be as open with them as we were with each other.” Clarke said. “Promise that we’re going to work it through and tell them when we have problems, because we’re not going to be perfect all the time. And this time we’ve got to stick to any promises we make, especially to each other.”

Lexa looked at her for a moment, then stood up, reaching out her hand to Clarke. She took it, and let Lexa pull her up so they were facing each other. Her hair was loose and wild and the robe she was wearing was at least two sizes too big for her, but Clarke couldn’t think of a time she’d looked more beautiful. She looked straight at Clarke, green eyes focused right on her.

“Clarke, I know we’re going to stumble and make a mess. But I need you to know I’m all in with you. I think I’ve been falling for you since the first time we met, and now we’re here I’m going to keep fighting for you as hard as I can. We took down your mountain, didn’t we?”

“Lexa, I think I’ve been falling for you just as long. I’ve just got one thing to ask you.”

“What’s that?”

“Will you please shut up and kiss me?”

* * *

“We really should have prepared more for this.” Clarke said, watching the numbers fall as the elevator descended. “Are you sure we can’t delay telling them?”

“We can’t. And we could have had more time if you’d used the shower in your room rather than joining me in mine.” Lexa said.

“Sorry not sorry, and you could have kicked me out.” Clarke said, gripping her girlfriend’s hand. “It’s just nerves. Expecting the worst. They’ll be fine with it, right?”

“They will, when we explain.”

“As long as we get a chance to explain. They’ll give us that, surely.”

“Clarke, they’re our friends, our bandmates. Of course they will.”

Clarke worried that they’d already told a lie that morning, even though she told herself it was a genuine white lie, one that was only small and necessary to make good things happen. Lexa had sent a message to the band’s private group, asking if they could meet up for breakfast before they got on the bus as she needed to talk to them about something. Clarke had waited till after Anya and Octavia had agreed before chiming in with her own acknowledgment, written as though she hadn’t been sitting in bed with Lexa as they wrote her original message together.

Clarke knew, even when they were just a few paces away from entering the room where the others were waiting, that she could say no to this. She knew that she could tell Lexa she wasn’t ready for this, and that Lexa would understand and come up with some other reason for the meeting. She knew Lexa would be fine with keeping them a secret just a little bit longer, that they’d both waited long enough for this that they didn’t need to rush telling everyone about it. She knew Lexa would do that because Lexa had been the one who’d waited for her to be ready for all this, the one who’d given her space and time when she’d asked for it, the one who was willing to do that because she wanted to be with Clarke and was willing to jump every hurdle put in her way.

And because she knew Lexa would do all that for her, she knew she could do this for her, for them. When she’d said ‘girlfriend’ the night before it had felt like a big step but also like it was too small a word to capture just what Lexa meant to her and how their relationship already felt. She’d resisted it because her experience had told her that it couldn’t work, and maybe if they’d rushed into it at the start of everything they wouldn’t have worked. After all that time together, though, they’d built an amazing thing that could support them rather than take from them and she wanted the others to see that. She and Lexa being together didn’t threaten anything, she was sure of that and she was sure the others would understand.

Clarke followed Lexa into the room, where the other three were gathered around a coffee machine, urgently discussing something - probably whatever milky abomination Raven had attempted to pretend was coffee - that stopped when they heard her and Lexa enter.

“Oh good, you’re both here.” Anya said. “So what’s up?”

“There’s something I need to tell you.” Lexa said, then quickly glanced at Clarke. “No, there’s something we need to tell you.”

She held out her hand and Clarke took it, hoping that would show them enough by itself. “We’re together.” She said, enjoying just saying the words and feeling a smile as she did.

“We’re a couple.” Lexa says. “Dating, whatever you want to call it. I know-”

“Oh thank God, it’s actually happened.” Raven said.

“Finally.” Anya said, and Clarke felt Lexa squeeze her hand a little tighter, saw the first flickers of confusion on her face as what was happening was moving quickly away from how they’d expected it to go.

Octavia looked like the happiest person in the room, Clarke realised. “Well done, guys, and thank you.” She looked towards Anya and Raven. “Check the date, guys, I win.”

Clarke tried to work out what was happening, then looked at Lexa to see a matching confusion on her face. “What the hell?” They said simultaneously.

They faced each other for a moment that felt like a very awkward eternity before Raven finally spoke.

“First off, on behalf of all three of us we’re glad you two idiots have finally moved on from pining over each other to actually doing something about it. We love you both and we completely support this.”

“But we are annoyed you kept it secret from us.” Anya said.

“Tried to keep it secret.” Octavia said. “And failed.”

“Wait. You knew about us?” Clarke said, 

“And didn’t say anything?” Lexa added.

Clarke’s mind was racing as she tried to catch up with what was happening. They already knew, which was confusing, but they seemed to be happy with it, which was good. She badly wished for the opportunity to pause all this and talk it over with Lexa again.

“I think this is going to be easier if we’re all sitting down.” Anya said.

As they found seats, Raven put mugs of coffee down in front of her and Lexa. “You two do not look like people who got a full night’s sleep last night, so I think you need these.” She said with a wink and a friendly smile. “Now, where were we?”

“We were telling you what we thought was news, but it turns out you knew it already.” Clarke said. “And if you did know something was happening between us, I’m kind of surprised none of you said anything about it.”

“We thought we might damage it if we did. Whatever it was at that point.” Octavia said.

“Me and Raven talked.” Anya said. “And we realised you’d both told us that you weren’t going to get involved with anyone, and we both knew how they who will not be named had messed you guys and your attitude to relationships up, but we also saw how well you two got on from pretty much as soon as you met.”

“And both of you have a tendency to shut down or run away when you’re confronted with anything too emotional.” Raven said. “And you’re only given me that look because you know it’s true, Clarke.”

“Maybe that’s true.” Clarke said. “Maybe. But we sorted it out, didn’t we? We’re here now, telling you.”

“And you might have noticed something was happening, but we sorted it out by ourselves.” Lexa said.

“Oh my, they really are idiots.” Octavia said. “Did you not ever notice or wonder how you always ended up in rooms that were next to each other?”

“Hey Lexa, I really need to talk to Anya and Octavia, so why don’t you sit next to Clarke on this really long flight?” Raven added, with a smirk.

“And we’re off to the bar for another evening, and we’re not going to say anything about how neither of you want to come join us.” Anya said.

Clarke looked at Lexa and knew that both of them were doing the same thing: running through their memories of the last few weeks and realising how good the other three had been at giving them their space. She could see a twinkling in Lexa’s eyes, showing a level of mirth she was feeling herself, the two of them almost simultaneously collapsing into each other and laughing as the others watched.

“We thought we were going to have to explain it all, justify ourselves to you.” Lexa said.

“And now it turns out you were about five steps ahead of us all the way.” Clarke said. “But thank you.”

“Wait, did you say you had a bet on us?” Lexa said, looking at them. “On whether we’d get together?”

“Like anyone would take the no on that bet.” Octavia said. “It was on when you’d finally admit it. I had this month, Anya had the next and Raven any time after that.”

“I seriously underestimated your ability to keep a secret.” Raven said. “And you’ve cost me a whole ten dollars.”

“And now you two aren’t skulking around in secret, it’s time to tell us the full story.” Anya said.

“We will, but how long have you guys been pushing us together?” Lexa asked.

“Mainly for the last few weeks.” Raven said. “I mean, we’ve been talking about it for ages, but we only launched Operation Clexa after I saw you doing your secret hand-holding thing at the airport.”

“Operation what?” Clarke asked.

“Raven came up with the name. I wanted Hearteyes.” Octavia said, rolling her eyes.

“The fans did, actually. God, you guys should check social media sometimes.” Raven said.

“The fans know?” Lexa asked.

“No. The fans know you’re two publicly single women who spend a lot of time together on stage, so they project.” Raven said.

“And we’ll support you in whatever you decide about how, when or if you want to go public with this.” Anya said.

“Have you thought of everything?” Clarke asked.

“We have a lot of downtime, not really sure what we’ll fill it with now we can’t talk about you two.” Octavia said. “Now, spill the details.”

* * *

“Clarke, can I have a word? Just us two.” Anya asked as they started heading towards the bus.

“Um, sure. Now?” Clarke said, looking between her and Lexa.

“Go ahead. I’ll see you on there.” Lexa said, giving her a swift kiss then heading towards the bus. Clarke noticed Raven and Octavia quickly moving to walk alongside, flanking her, and realised the three of them had planned this alongside everything else.

“I’m her big sister, Clarke, giving you the talk is one of my duties. And nodding along and agreeing to it is one of yours. Come with me.” She led them out of the hotel and off to one side, taking a seat in a small garden area, tall bushes blocking them off from outside.

“Anya, I know this is all new, but I’m not going to hurt her, or mess up any of this. I want to be with her, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make it work.”

“Clarke, I’ve seen the way you two look at each other when you think no one’s paying attention. I saw you both together just then acting like you’ve been together for years, and I know you both. I’m not worried about that, but I wanted to tell you something about me and her that you need to know, now you’re together.”

“What is it?” Clarke asked, suddenly worried.

“It’s nothing bad, nothing scary, don’t freak out. You know we weren’t adopted together, right? I couldn’t believe how lucky I was when my parents first fostered me. I couldn’t remember a time when there hadn’t been other kids around me all the time, and suddenly I had my own room, I didn’t have to fight for attention, it was just me and them and when they adopted me, the last thing I wanted was a sister.”

“Really? Lexa never said.”

“Lexa doesn’t know. Or at least, she doesn’t know how seriously I believed it, she thinks I was teasing when I said it to her. But when my parents said they’d been asked to look after another girl, I was not happy. They explained it would probably be only temporary and I wouldn’t have to spend much time with this Alexandria but prefers to be called Lexa kid. That’s how they told me her name, it’s how it was on the forms about her, so that’s what I was calling her as kind of a joke before she arrived.”

She looked at Clarke. “I was eleven and still adjusting to this new life, OK? Calling her that felt like the most hilarious joke ever at the time. Anyway. The day came when she was arriving and I had to be there to welcome her, so I figured I’d give her my very best don’t even think we’re going to be friends stare then get on with my day. Then the car pulls up and the social worker steps out with this little girl who’s got an entire mess of hair on her head that someone’s tried to control but failed. She looks really stern, staring straight ahead and she’s trying to look so brave, but I realise there’s real fear in her eyes. She doesn’t really know where she is or who we are, and that’s when it hits me. I realised she’s gone through everything I did and it doesn’t matter than I don’t know her or if she can’t decide what her name is, because she’s just like me and I’d forgotten that fear when you turn up at a new home and you don’t know if you’re going to be there for a night or a week or a month or a year, or what they’re going to be like or anything.

“So, I do exactly what I’ve been told I shouldn’t do and run to meet her, hug her and tell her it’s all right, she’s going to be safe with us, and there’s all sorts of fuss going on, but I feel her loosen up and relax as I’m holding her because she believes me. Then she’s basically gripping tight to me for the rest of the day and by the time I go to bed that night I’m realising that maybe having a sister isn’t so bad.”

Clarke nodded, her eyes blurry as she thought of how alone Lexa must have felt when she was younger. They’d talked about a lot in their time together, but that time before she’d found her home was one of the few things she would usually avoid and Clarke knew not to press her about it.

“I never told Costia this. She got the basic talk, but not this because I knew she wouldn’t understand it. She only ever saw Lexa as what she projects, that kid trying to be fierce and brave and not need anyone. And that is her, but it’s not all of her and it’s my job as her sister to keep her safe like I told her back then, and if you’re going to be with her - really with her - then that’s your job too now. She doesn’t open up to many people, she doesn’t let herself be soft and vulnerable, but I can see she has with you and so I need to know you’re going to keep her safe because if you do to her what Costia did to her, you’ll completely break her.” She paused, and looked Clarke in the eye. “And if you do that, I’ll break you.”

Clarke swallowed, trying to keep herself under control. She knew how close the sisters were, but had never seen such concentrated fierceness from a woman who was normally the calmest and most relaxed of all of them. She knew what it meant for Anya to open up like that to her, how it was her way of telling her she truly accepted their relationship. “Anya, I promise. I want her to be happy and safe and cared for and do everything for her, because she’s done so much for me. She’s incredible and all the time we’re together I feel amazed that she’s chosen to do all that for me. I’ve honestly never felt like this about anyone before, and you’ve got to know I would never hurt her. I - I really like her.” There was another word she wanted to use, but it still felt too big and too small at the same time, something she could deal with in a song without a problem, but saying it would be the biggest step she could take, but only when both she and and Lexa were ready for it. 

“I know, and I’m going to end up being sick of how teeth-rottingly sweet you two are going to be, but what you said just then? You need to be living it every day from now on, and I know you can.”

“Thank you.” Clarke said, leaning in to hug her.

“I should warn you, our parents will be even more intense than me when you meet them. This is a just a warm up. Now come on, let’s get to that bus before Emori comes out hunting us.”

* * *

It took Clarke a moment to work out what was different on the bus until she realised that she and Lexa had carefully avoided sitting too closely together on it over the past week to avoid giving away any hints about their relationship while others could be watching. Now, Lexa was waiting for her in the seat next to hers and they could spend as much time together as they wanted.

“Your sister’s pretty amazing, you know.” She said.

“And she let you go unscathed, so you must be too.”

“I think I convinced her I like you.” Clarke said, still processing how much Anya had told her about herself and about Lexa. “How was Raven?”

“Surprisingly scary, but apparently I’m worthy of being with you. I'll tell you the details later”

“Of course you're worthy.”

Lexa smiled and took her hand as they got comfortable in their seats. Clarke felt the bus start to vibrate and hum as the engine started and they headed towards the next gig together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs, random thoughts, updates, open asks etc all here: https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Clexa Week as I'm posting this, so please check out some of the fics being posted, because they're really good https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Clexaweek2021  
> And I've got something new, which might become more than just a one-shot in the future, but only after this story is done: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29819145  
> And on with the story...

It happened so efficiently and naturally that Lexa didn’t quite realise what was going on for a moment. The sheer confusion of discovering Anya, Raven and Octavia had known about her and Clarke before they told them had faded into telling them their story, then as they’d left breakfast and headed for the tour bus she’d seen Anya move to talk to Clarke about something while Raven and Octavia started talking to her. Before she realised it, she and Clarke had been guided off in separate directions.

“You guys really did plan everything, didn’t you?” Lexa said.

“Anya said she needed to talk to Clarke, and it’s kind of tradition for sisters to give that ‘be good to my sister’ speech, isn’t it?” Raven said. “And Clarke doesn’t have an actual sister and Abby’s busy on the other side of the country, so it falls to me to do the honours.”

“And I’m here because she said she needed someone who could be threatening, just in case, but also because I like both of you and I’d be really angry if either of you messed this up.” Octavia said.

They led her a recessed meeting space in the hotel’s lobby, a wide, curved couch set away from the main space as a casual meeting room.

“I know the drill, Raven. I’m not intending to do anything that’s going to hurt Clarke, and if I do, then I fully expect both of you - and Anya too - to call me out on it.”

“Oh, don’t worry, we will, and I’ll do the same for Griffin too. You two have been making heart eyes at each other since the day you met, and I’ll be really pissed if you somehow manage to mess this up.”

“Thank you?” Lexa said, feeling like it was the closest Raven could get to a compliment.

“Look, you know Clarke and Abby, they’re basically my family, right? They’ve done a lot more for me than my real family, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. I wouldn’t be able to walk without Abby, and whatever else was going on between them, they always gave me space there and encouraged me. Clarke basically forced me to fill out the application for my college scholarship because I thought I’d never get it, and she knew I would.”

“She never said anything about that.”

“I’m kind of glad I’m not the subject of whatever sweet nothings you two talk about, but she wouldn’t. She doesn’t think she did anything special, she didn’t care how crazy the idea of someone from a messed up life like mine getting a full ride like that was to me. And my biggest regret is that I didn’t make sure she came with me, because I just assumed she and Abby would sort their shit out, you know? When she said they’d asked her to go off on tour with the band, I was actually happy for her because I thought it’d get her away for a couple of months till she realised what she really wanted.”

“Why?” Lexa asked.

“Because they didn’t deserve her. Musically, she was far too good for them, and they just thought she was the pretty girl they could stick out front, and Finn just wanted to be with the pretty girl, he was never worthy of her.”

“Worthy?”

“Yes. I knew him before her, you know? Before my accident. We lived close by, we were friends but once that happened he avoided me like I was radioactive. Ten percent surface charm hiding ninety percent sleazeball. She needs someone who appreciates how incredible she is and understands what she needs, not someone who’s going to take her for granted.”

“Raven, I-”

“Relax, Lexa.” Octavia said, leaning forward. “What she’s trying to say is we know that person’s you.”

“You’re allowed to date my best friend, Woods, but you two are terrible at keeping secrets, you know that?”

* * *

Despite Lexa’s wish for them to have some time, the show had to go on and for the next few days they were back in the rhythm of being on the road. There was a different timetable for every day, but the first week of the tour had shown Lexa that the routine of each of them was the same, even if the details varied. They rolled from city to city, charming a new set of media in each one, discovering the acoustic foibles of each venue as they soundcheck, watching Luna’s confidence rise with each opening set she did, doing their show, meeting the fans, then sleeping, eating and repeating.

“Whatever happened to U-Hauling?” Raven asked as they got to the hotel on the first day back on the road. Lexa realised now that Raven’s self-appointed role of picking up their room keys from Emori every day was how she had managed to ensure she and Clarke were in next door rooms up to now. She also wondered why she hadn’t noticed it, then saw that Raven was waiting for an answer to her question.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Lexa asked.

Raven holds up the plastic cards she’s been given. “Because I’ve got five room keys here, and I was under the impression that you two were past the separate beds stage. Urge to merge, and all that.”

Lexa looked at Clarke, who looked back at her with a confused face that Lexa was sure was mirroring the look on hers. “That’s not something we’ve discussed.” Lexa said.

“Really? Well, the way it works is you have a mommy bird, and I guess in this case you have another mommy bird-”

“Raven.” Clarke said in a surprisingly firm voice. “We know all that, I promise you.”

“Really? Because I have questions-”

“Which you can put on the list of things we’re never going to talk about. On the room thing, we just didn’t have a chance to talk about all the practicalities yet.”

“And we’re not having that conversation with you guys listening in on it.” Lexa added, using one hand to take two keys from Raven and taking Clarke’s hand with her other.

“We wouldn’t just be listening, we’d be contributing!” Raven called out as they walked away

“Maybe we need a list.” Clarke said, after they found some privacy in one of their rooms. The cases and bags in the corner looked more like Clarke’s than hers, at least.

“A list of what?”

“All the things we need to think about and have an opinion on now we’re together. It’s not just whose bed we’re sleeping in, is it?”

“What else is it?” Lexa asked.

“How public we are. Who knows about us. What we’re doing when the tour is over.”

“I’m happy that our friends know, and I guess a lot of the crew will either know or work it out, but I don’t think I’m ready for us to be doing a couple’s photoshoot for the press yet.”

Clarke grinned. “Damn, I’ll call Rolling Stone and cancel it. No, I think the same. I’d really like to just keep it private for the rest of the tour, so we get some space until we’re ready. You know it’s going to be a big thing when we come out, right?”

“I’m already out, you’re the one they think is straight.”

“You know what I mean.” Clarke said, resting her arms loosely on Lexa’s shoulders, pressing her forehead to hers as she leaned in. “And I am definitely not straight, they just haven’t thought to ask me yet.”

“So what are we doing about rooms?” Lexa asked.

“Maybe we could use this one now and the other one later. And get Marcus in for a talk about the long term.” Clarke said.

“What are you thinking for now?”

“We’ve got almost two hours until we have to leave for the venue. I’m sure we can find something to do.” Clarke said, pressing herself close.

* * *

“I have good news and bad news. Or possibly not-as-good news, it depends what kind of mood you’re all in.” Marcus said. He’d joined them on the bus that morning after flying in and had them gathered round as the bus kept ploughing through the miles on the road.

“Start with the good.” Lexa said, figuring that any bad news couldn’t be that bad or they’d have had some warning of it.

“The schedules you’ve got are the final ones. We’ve not got any more dates to add to the tour, so you’ve got an end date now.”

She could feel a sigh of relief from everyone. They loved the gigs, and were still amazed at their success, but the tour had kept adding extra dates ever since it had been first announced. Watching days off disappear and finding out the end had been pushed out by another week had been grinding at them all.

“This is absolutely definite, right?” Octavia asked. “No chance of anything else suddenly appearing?”

“It is.” Marcus said. “We’ve told promoters no more, we’ll talk to them about the next tour when the time comes, which takes me to the next news. The label still love you and Becca’s usually calling me rather than me having to sit on hold to talk to some junior executive, which is a first for my career.”

“Why might that be bad news?” Lexa asked.

“Because she’s calling me to ask when they can get new material and the second album from you. They’re desperate for it. If she had her way, she’d have you in the studio the day after the tour ended. Hell, when they heard that track Raven produced for Luna, they were asking if you’d be willing to spend some days off in a studio.”

“It was fun as a one-off, but hell no, I need my sleep.” Raven said.

“I told them that would be your response.” He said. “But they are going to keep pressing me on getting you into the studio again, so I’m going to need to know how much time off you want so I can sort it, then we’ll start hunting studios.”

“I want enough time for a proper vacation. I want to lie on a beach or by a pool for at least a few weeks. Get myself properly relaxed before we have to do all this again.” Anya said. “Then see some friends. Remind myself that I know people who aren’t on this bus.”

“I can get them on board for a couple of months quite easily, they do understand that you’re human, but tell me if you want more. You’re getting big enough that you can call a lot of the shots here.” Marcus said. “I’m going to stay around for a few days over the weekend so I can catch up with all of you and the crew, anyway.”  
“I think that means you should get ready to meet my mom.” Clarke said to Lexa as Marcus walked down the bus to talk to Luna. “She sent me a message yesterday saying she’d be away for a couple of days over the weekend but she was cagey about where. If it was a conference or a work thing, she’d have said, so pretend it’s a surprise when she arrives.”

“Clarke, I’ve met her several times. We’ve had conversations about things other than what we were doing in the basement and everything.” Lexa said.

“Yes, but when you met her you weren’t my girlfriend. She’ll have all sorts of questions for you now.”

“Wanting to know my intentions for her daughter? Because my parents are going to want to ask the same of you.”

“Anya said they can be a bit intense.”

“Mom will be. Dad will probably give you a grilling about your precise vocal range.”

“Are they going to come out and see us?” Clarke asked.

“Probably when we’re closer to home, he can’t take much time off when school’s in. You’ll have time to prepare yourself.”

“I’ll do my best to charm them.” Clarke grinned.

Marcus came back down the aisle of the bus, getting their attention. “Is now a good time? I can come back later if you’re still talking or whatever.”

She looked at Clarke, who gave her a little nod. “It’s fine, now is good.” Lexa said.

“Great. And congratulations to you guys, you look good together.” He said, taking a seat opposite them. “I have to admit I got a bit of a running commentary on it all from Raven who wouldn’t listen to me when I told her that it wasn’t in my contract to get you two together.”

“I’m worried what she’s going to do with her time now she’s not trying to get us together.” Clarke said. “We need to find a new hobby for her.”

“I’ll leave that to you. You know her better than me.” Marcus said. “We need to talk about you two, and how we’re managing this. And I know that’s possibly the most unromantic way to talk about a relationship, but it needs to be done.”

“We understand, we asked you to come talk about this.” Lexa said.

“So we can get it out of the way.” Clarke added.

“I think I’ve got a good idea, but let’s be clear. What do you two want to happen? Not planning the rest of your lives out, but the immediate future, this tour and after.” Marcus asked.

“It’s all still new, so we’re still getting used to being together.” Clarke said.

“And I think we want some space for that, right?” Lexa said and Clarke nodded along with her. “We don’t want to hide away and be a secret forever, but we don’t want people asking us about it all the time while we’re still new.”

“Oh, and after the last few nights, we’ve worked out we really don’t need to keep having separate rooms, it just means one sits empty all night.” Clarke said.

Marcus looked at them, clearly thinking for a moment before he spoke. “I think we can work with that. The good news is that apart from some of the hardcore fans and your bandmates there aren’t lots of people speculating about you, or any rumours about you yet. I think because you’re still relatively new now, they don’t have to look too hard for new things about you. I had a look through some of the last national media you two did, and there’s no mention of anything there, and I don’t know if you were trying to hide it but you look quite stiff in the video from that round.”

Lexa thought over the media they’d done recently, it had been mostly at radio stations or things over the phone as they travelled, the last time they’d been doing video had been…she looked at Clarke who seemed to be having the same revelation and was trying not to laugh.

“That’s what we did at the festival? We were having an awkward day when that happened.” Lexa said.

“Awkward kind of undersells it, but I can see why nothing was obvious then.” Clarke said.

Marcus looked at both of them, then smiled. “I won’t ask, I’m pretty sure I don’t need to know. Right, back on topic, I’ll need to talk to a couple of the media people to keep an ear out for anything, and I’ll talk to Murphy about how we juggle the hotel bookings. We can keep it looking like there are separate rooms for the two of you, because I don’t want some bored kid on a reception desk spotting a story and selling you out, but we’ll work out something so nothing’s sitting empty.”

“That sounds good.” Lexa said.

“You’re not the first people who’ve wanted to keep a relationship secret, you know. And at least you’re preparing to be public, there’s others I could tell you about if I hadn’t signed NDAs. But there is a harder part to this, you’re going to need to be careful when you’re out in public, especially together. If there are people you don’t know around, you need to be careful, it’s only going to take a few photos of you being a bit close when you’re hanging out on some fan’s social media to start a storm.”

* * *

“Have you ever thought about getting tattoos?” Clarke asked.

“Sometimes.” Lexa said. “I could never work out what I’d like, though, and then I got to thinking that if I was going to be a lawyer I didn’t know if they’d look professional. Why?”

They were lying in bed, the room lights dim around them as they nestled together at the end of the night. Lexa was lying on her front, Clarke on her side and wrapped around her in the afterglow.

“I’m the same. Thought about it, never went through with it.” Clarke said, her fingers tracing down Lexa’s spine in a way that felt far too good to be relaxing. “But just seeing you like this, in this light, it just got me thinking of what would look good on you.”

“You want me to be your canvas?”

“You could be.” Clarke said, gently kissing her shoulder. “But you don’t have to be. It’s your body.”

“But you seem to understand it pretty well.” Lexa said, smiling at her. “I’m not saying no, and I want to see what you think looks good.”

“Really?” Clarke asked.

“Really. But I might insist you draw something for yourself too.”

“I can do that, but I do need to check my canvas before I do any work.” Clarke said, moving to slide over her, fingers pushing Lexa’s hair out of the way as she kissed her on the back of her neck. “I love you.” She murmurmed.

Lexa’s heart leapt in her chest as she heard the words. Neither of them had said it yet, but to her it was a confirmation of something they already both knew, not a confession of something secret and unknown. “I love you too.” She said, and she could feel the smile in Clarke’s kisses as they continued down her spine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blah-de-blah-de-blah.tumblr.com/


End file.
